Every true conservative knows that government doesn't work, can't work, won't work, at least not nearly as well as the private sector. Nothing that government does is done right. People who are quite capable of organizing and operating private enterprises are totally incapable of organizing and running public institutions. Public police aren't as good as rent-a-cops. Public armies can't outfight private armies. Governments don't know how to develop technologies (except maybe for nuclear-biological-chemical weaponry and aerospace and the Internet and mindcontrol and other petty stuff). The US Postal Service isn't nearly as good as United Parcel, Federal Express, and other private carriers. And so on.

Of course, it's true that all businesses eventually fail. No business lasts forever. It fails to provide adequate profits, and it goes away, or is taken over by another business, which itself eventually fails (and disappears or is devoured). The only businesses now in existence are those which haven't failed yet. In the US, an average of 75% of all new businesses fail in the first year. For DotComs, it's 80%. For eateries, 90%. Thus if government operates on business model, expect 75%-90% of all government efforts to fail in the first year. But that Darwinian process is how market forces operate. Don't worry about it.

The problem is insidious. All government officials are hopelessly inept. When electoral fate causes a change of administration, they move to the private sector and become brilliant businesspeople, dashing entrepreneurs, dazzling capitalists. Later, they return to government and resume their mandated incompetence. These transitions take an inevitable toll on these stalwart conservatives. As noted conservative commentator P.J. O'Rourke has noted, "Republicans say that government doesn't work, then they get elected and prove it."

The solution is obvious. The US Constitution has to be rewritten to take all powers away from government, whose officers are selected by and responsible to the ignorant citizens of America, and give those powers to private corporations, whose officers are selected by and responsible to the sagacious shareholders (usually banks and investment funds and other savvy groups). Well, maybe DotCom investors and restaurant backers aren't so wise, but we'll ignore them for now.

Profit-seekers are always more careful, responsible and creative than those who do things for other motives, like philanthropists, religious zealots, obsessed artists, basement inventors, online gamers, ecology freaks, sports and soap-opera and sex-show viewers, theoretical and research scientists (except those who've started their own corporations), amateurs of any sort, and all other such losers.

So, let's devolve government down to zero by playing the PRIVATIZE! game:

•   Become a Player in the game. The only Players are:
  •   Corporate officers (the trickier, the better)
  •   Government officials (susceptible to bribery)
  •   Major shareholders (bit-players don't count)
  •   Lobbyists, Pundits, Talk-Show Hosts, Bagmen, and other such minions (such sub-players may be promoted to full Players by attaining sufficient wealth and power)

•   Note the status of the individuals involved in the play. Only full Players can collect points. Only full Players matter in the larger scheme of things. Only full Players deserve power and wealth, and they prove their worth by attaining same. Only full Players control the play.
  
  
•   Effect some devolution. For each step in the process, collect points. Compete with other full Players to grasp the most points, the most power, the most wealth. Any means of gaining points is fair. Fairness is defined as: whatever you can get away with.
  
  
•   Collect points by the following methods:
  •   Bribe a gov't official to effect privatization (1 point each to briber & bribed)
  •   Write legislation or a judicial decision that effects privatization (2 points)
  •   Have a gov't operation totally contracted-out to your corporation (3 points)
  •   Have a gov't agency or function transferred to your private control (4 points)
  •   Have a gov't facility or site transferred to your private control (5 points)
  •   Have a gov't department disbanded or defunded - pick up the pieces (6 points)
  •   Have a gov't territory or region transferred to your private control (7 points)
  •   Provide benefits for a majority of legislators & executives (8 points)
  •   Take complete operational control of a state government (9 points)
  •   Take complete operational control of the federal gov't (99 points)

•   Turn every former gov't operation, agency, facility, department and territory into a profit center. Where feasible, sell franchises. Some examples: McJustice; Yellowstone Nat'l Parking Lot; Cops'R'Us; Rent-A-Sub; etc.
  
  
•   Eliminate bothersome laws that interfere with business. Antitrust, health & safety, ecology, food & drug, truth-in-advertising, and other regulations clearly interfere with maximum profits. The business of the nation is business — anything else is Communism and must be stamped out. Ruthlessly. As soon as possible.

For another method of devolving government, see How To REDUCE THE SIZE OF GOVERNMENT, Building By Building — and see the GO! index for related articles.

Only when the public sector is totally replaced by the private sector will maximum profits, prosperity, peace and progress be realizable. When all nations on Earth are totally privatized, there will be no more war, hunger, fanaticism or feminism. Let the millennium begin!