There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. —Douglas Adams

 The Paranormal Investigation Game has many facets, many areas of play, a near-infinitude of alleged phenomena and experiences to probe. That these areas have been explored for centuries without returning much in the way of solid results, shouldn't disturb or deter you - the quest IS vital. Those who don't seek, shall never find...

The Tools

 With so much ground to cover, major resources may be needed, and many props may be required. Depending on the area of the paranormal you plan to investigate, you may need:

dice, for probing telekinesis and modified probability; forks and spoons, to bend mentally; Rhine cards, for tracing telepathic communications; chalk, for drawing pentagrams; playing cards and Tarot cards, to evaluate cartomancy; notepads; pencils; many, many erasers; calculator; statistical tables; computer with Internet access; UFO beacons; fake cows, to lure mutilation-minded aliens; stroboscope; tachistoscope; spectrometer; pinhole camera; high-speed optical camera; kirlian photography apparatus; brain-wave monitors and generators; polygraph; analog and/or digital signal and data recorders; electronic transmitters and receivers and scanners for any possible frequency, and their associated antennae; ultra-sensitive microphones and aquaphones; signal processing equipment; astrological tables; kabbalistic diagrams; alchemical formulae and apparatus; drugs; sexual aids; yarrowstalks, et al.

 The list of possible props is nearly endless. The more hardware, the better - potential supporters are impressed by the necessary infrastructure. And if you can obtain government or corporate or collegiate or other organizational funding, sufficient grants will allow you to continue your research indefinitely, regardless of results, whilst buying the latest toys, er tools.

The Rules

 But all those props, although pleasant to have around, especially when dazzling the dollar- providers are really irrelevant to paranormal research. What's important is adherence to the simple rules of this game.

1.   The most important rule: do NOT allow critical scrutiny of your research. It's well-known that critical scrutiny of paranormal research poisons the work, deadens all the activities and abilities you're searching for. There is nothing like a skeptical inquirer to scare away ghosts, deafen telepaths, blind clairvoyants, immobilize telekinetics and teleporters, short-circuit perpetual-motion and free-energy devices, drive away aliens, and scatter spirits.
   
   
2.   Never define too closely just what it is that you're looking for. If your investigation was clearly delineated, you would/may soon hit the bounds of exploration and have no-where else to go. Leave your subject fuzzy, and you can go anywhere.
   
    But the OPPOSITE of this rule is also operative: select a specific goal, a definite answer that you're seeking, and pursue it no matter the lack of results. Think up some excuses for why your work failed, then repeat it endlessly, with minor variations. Never succumb to reality.
   
   
3.   It is very important that you keep detailed numerical records of your investigations, and perform the most complicated statistical analyses possible on your data. Such analyses will allow you to find ANY trend you could possibly want! And remember that a strong negative finding, is actually a strong POSITIVE finding, mirrored!
   
   
4.   When publishing your findings, avoid peer-reviewed journals like the PLAGUE! Peer review, like skeptical inquiry, will blunt the thrust of your investigation, turn it aside, deaden it. Only YOU know what you are really searching for; anyone else diddling with your data will only mess it up.
   
   
5.   Disseminate the results of your studies in any and every medium possible. Start your own Website or several Websites to post your announcements / findings / arguments / denunciations / jabs, echoed on every conceivable e-list and newsgroup. Get into every possible un-peer-reviewed journal, magazine, newsrag, tabloid; into ANY periodical, in ANY country, in ANY language, no matter how obscure.
   
   
6.   Make sure that you cite all relevant research that has ever appeared in exactly the same sources and publications you've targeted for disseminating your work. But to lend an air of authenticity to your citations, you should include every 'crank' letter, denunciation and caustic attack you can find from reputable scientific journals, and every mention in a column in such a journal, which can be taken out of context and construed to support your findings.
   
    Statements by legislators inserted into the CONGRESSIONAL RECORD and similar political archives may serve the same purpose. Indeed, you may find it fruitful to contribute to various politicians, then suggest that they insert your prepared texts into public records.
   
   
7.   You should welcome the expected/inevitable criticism of your work by those who just don't understand what you're doing, or who are trying to cover-up The Truth in your field, or who are just the fossilized dinosaurs lumbering around the ossified scientific establishment, resistant to all challenges to their orthodoxies, who have not the vision of you and your research, and that of your colleagues.
   
    Welcome their criticism; for then you can cite their negative responses in your future publications, and on your Website, showing that your work is estimable enough to deserve their critical attention, their valuable time.
   
    If you can rate negative comments published in the leading mainstream scientific journals and other major periodicals you can easily obtain guest-spots on major television and radio talk-shows.
   
   
8.   Remember: the point of your research and your publications is NOT to further human knowledge in areas paranormal; but to gain publicity and funding for yourself - notoriety, so you can sell more copies of your book / videotape / script, appear on evermore radio and TV shows, hit the paranormal lecture circuit, and become a Highly Esteemed Personality.

 THE ABOVE RULES apply to active workers in paranormal investigations - the researchers themselves and their assistants and subjects. Other rules apply to other players in the Paranormal Research Game - the skeptics, publishers, critics, consultants, mavens, experts, and fan clubs. To be continued...