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Holy SACRAMENTS For Complete Morons

^{by Ric Carter}

SACRAMENT, n. A solemn religious ceremony to which several degrees of authority and significance are attached. Rome has seven sacraments, but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that they can afford only two, and these of inferior sanctity. Some of the smaller sects have no sacraments at all — for which mean economy they will indubitably be damned. —Ambrose Bierce

BEFORE and AFTER SACRAMENTS: RITUALS

For more on the Divine Mystery, see The Whatever Sutra

Once, all was darkness -- the entire universe was enveloped in an opaque, impenetrable nothingness beyond mere blackness, and nobody could see any damn thing. Then, a toggle switch appeared in the vast void, and a hand reached out from infinity and threw the switch, and there was light. Ever since, humans in advanced nations have re-enacted this Enlightenment by switching on lights. And yet, they portend the eventual sinking back into nothingness when they switch those lights off. When all lights are switched off at the same time, the light will vanish and darkness will reign again.

Advanced humans similarly re-enact other Cosmic Moments with the varied rituals they perform multitudinous times daily: dialing or punching numbers to contact others; starting and stopping and navigating motor vehicles to jour to intermediate and/or final destinations; exchanging hard or soft or virtual money for sustenance, clothing, pleasure / pain, education, etc.; dispensing toilet tissues to wipe away impurities; etc. All such rituals are symbolic reconnexions with the Divine.

Less advanced peoples have more basic sacraments, less mechanical and more organic rituals to conect them with divine grace. These are often bodily functions or manipulations: fornication, masturbation, defecation, mastication, circumcision, menstruation, exhibitionism, mutilation, etc. These all represent and channel cosmic forces, actions, attitudes. As with all such rituals, these should only be practiced at the proper time and place, with adequate preparation and deep concentration, else their meanings are lost and they become as sacramentally worthless as pissing into the wind. But that's another kind of ritual...

How To Select The Proper SACRAMENTS For Your Worship

'Tis the temper of the hot and superstitious part of mankind in matters of religion ever to be fond of mysteries & for that reason to like best what they understand least. —Sir Isaac Newton

what sacrament is this?

So just what is this 'sacrament' stuff? Is it like Sacratomato, the Californicator's capital, or what? Can I get a good discount on it at CostCo? What gives?

Actually, 'sacrament' comes from the Greek for 'mystery', and is defined as a religious ritual that serves as a channel or sign of divine grace. Generally speaking, a sacrament is anything you do that connects you to (or shows that you're connected with) one or more Higher Powers. Some sacraments recognized by various Judeo-Xian sects include Circumcision, Baptism, Confirmation, Eucharist, Penance, Extreme Unction, Ordination, Matrimony, Holy Feasts, Consecration, Purification, Anointment, etc.

But here, we're going to narrow that down a bit and focus on the steps you can take to get your mind in touch with the Holy, however you wish to define 'Holy'. If you're an orthodox believer in some Dominant Heresy, you might be limited to a rather constrained definition. Bother. If we loosen up a bit, the question of 'sacrament' becomes, "How can I open my mind up to the universe?" And the answer is, "With discipline and/or chemicals."

That 'discipline' thang usually involves meditation, psychic exercises, practice practice practice, and that's beyond the scope of this text, besides which it's slow and tedious, hardly appropriate for today's fast-paced go-go culture. So we'll deal with drugs.

CHEMICAL SACRAMENTS

This section is under development. Stay tuned.

And see Psychoactive Sacramentals - Essays on Entheogens and Religion and The Lycaeum - Entheogenic Database & Community and Is Taking a Psychedelic an Act of Sedition? and Barbie Parody and Barbie Parody party time!

NON-CHEMICAL SACRAMENTS

RITE, n. A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, precept or custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed out of it. —Ambrose Bierce

Way up at the top, I mentioned some basic sacraments, cultural rituals. Such may be sacred or secular, with the latter transforming into the former. Some people ritualize their lives by focusing on trivia, by making every routine action a sacred moment, a sacrament: bodily functions, mechanical actions, household chores, everyday activities. Such ritualizing of EVERYTHING may be worthy of praise or satire, depending on your viewpoint.

Then there are the Hindu sacraments / rites: Vivaha (Wedding); Nishchithartha (Engagement); Seemantham; Namakarana (Naming Ceremony); Ayush Homa; Anna Prasana; Upanayana (Thread Ceremony); Vahana (Car) Pooja; Hiranya Shradha (Ancestral Rites); and Punyah: Vachanam. Not to mention: Mahasamprokshanam (Consecration); Graha Pravesa; Vedic, Paancharaathra or Vaikaanasa Aagamic rites; Homams (Fire Ceremonies); etc. You might want to look these up.

Or you can take a Zen point of view by releasing yourself from all attachment to both the material and the immaterial. You can make your life sacred by concentrating on ritual — but why strive for the sacred? Isn't that yet another form of mana, attachment to illusion? How can you distinguish between illusion and reality, if reality exists? Maybe you had better stick to hallucinogens, where at least you know that illusion envelops you. Pass the peyote, please.

SACRAMENTAL RESOURCES

Metasearches: Xian: ( Catholic, Protestant, Orthodox, Mormon) - Non-Xian: Muslim - Sufi - Jewish - Hindu - Buddhist - Pagan - Other: Psychedelic, Blood, Genetic, Virtual - Ritual - Mystery - Grace
(more coming soon -- stay tuned)

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