An ancient preoccupation of humanity has been to induce cranial trauma in the self or others. People have pierced, crushed, sliced, bashed, and otherwise manipulated the brain and/or it's skull envelope since long before the dawn of history, as is evident from remains discovered by very reputable scientists funded by large government grants. And we're still at it today!

There are various reasons for (self-)inflicting cranial trauma: It's fun to do and watch - so entertaining. It's therapeutic - so helpful. It's mandated by certain doctrines. It's easier and faster and cheaper than psychotherapy. It's instinctive. And sometimes, it's necessary.

One of my correspondents writes:

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Wally Anglesea" 
To: "'SkeptiChat list'" 
Sent: Friday, August 17, 2001 2:23 AM
Subject: RE: [SC] PHRENOLOGY For The Total Moron

Despite misspelling my name, this plea for help illustrates the need for a Total Moron's Guide To CRANIAL TRAUMA. Which is what you're reading right now. How providential! Is it Coincidence, or Fate, or ... ??? Anyway, read on, and gain total mastery of the subject. Then try to remember it. Then write songs about it.

TYPES OF CRANIAL TRAUMA

• IMPACT: The easiest way to change one's attitude is by HEAD-BANGING. Just swat the skull (your own or someone else's) with a fist, foot, log, hammer, pipe, rock, heavy bottle or vase, or other blunt object. You may also slam the skull against a hard surface; drop or throw a heavy object at the skull; and include the effects of PIERCING (see below) by impacting the skull with an object studded with spikes, such as long nails in a baseball bat.

  This technique has inspired creative responses in literature and music, such as the songs BOOT TO THE HEAD and I HAD TO SLAM'ER WITH MY HAMMER and YOU BROKE MY HEART SO I BUSTED YOUR JAW. You can write a song too, can't you? And note that nature has evolved some lifeforms to employ this technique, such as woodpeckers, hammerhead sharks, and WWF wrestlers. See, it's organic!

• PIERCING: There are many variants of this technique, which may be done quickly or slowly; with a variety of powered or unpowered tools; with implements of different degrees of sharpness; etc. Some common implements include: firearms; knives / bayonets / swords; icepicks; spikes / needles / nails (see IMPACT, above); laser beams; drills; etc. The skull and/or brain may be pierced to various depths, from slight punctures, to moderate or deep penetration, to complete transfixing and possible deformation.

  One application of this technique is TREPHINATION or TREPANNING: drilling a small-to-medium hole in the skull to relieve pressure, let evil spirits out, let inspiration in, regain your Third Eye, etc. Subjects of trephination report relief from gravity's yoke, a constant 'high' or exhilaration, vast increases in intelligence and creativity, cessation of headaches and nausea, clearer transception for their alien implant(s), and reduced flatulence.

• INCISION: Rather than just making a small hole in the head (see PIERCING, above) you can slice away larger portions with tools such as scalpels / knives, powered or unpowered saws, laser beams, sharp axes, etc. Or you could just drill lots of little holes close together, then punch-out the desired skull section as needed.

  One application of this technique is BRAIN SURGERY: cutting away a portion of the skull to allow access for cutting away a portion of the brain. Subjects of brain surgery report changes in the voice(s) in their head(s), increased appetite and sexual response, brighter colors and sounds, elimination of spasms and seizures, and reduced flatulence.

• CHEMISTRY: Cranial or inter-cranial trauma may also be induced with chemicals such as: acids or mercury applied internally or externally; alcohol and other volatile liquids, applied likewise; certain herbal potions and other organic compounds ('drugs'), usually applied internally; and even the injection of large amounts of water.

  Some say that hallucinogenic drugs aren't traumatic enough. I tend to agree. Addictive drugs that key directly into neuroreceptors in the brain are much more effective, and tend to reduce pain and induce ecstasy. I like ecstasy. It's fun!

• TEMPERATURE: Wonderful traumatic effects can be realized by applying temperature extremes to the skull / brain. Fire, boiling water, sunstroke, icepacks, etc. are commonly employed. Similar effects may be realized by applying moderate-to-strong electric currents, audiovisual signals, microwaves or other EMF radiation, and magnetic-resonance induction. These sometimes have thermal implications.

  Subjects sometimes resist application of thermal and radiation treatments. Those interested in such resistance should see HOW To Wrap TINFOIL Around Your Head To Keep Mind-Control Rays From Beaming In for details. But in the long run, resistance is futile.

• BIOLOGY: Bacterial, viral, or other microbial infections (not to mention BSE, Mad Cow Disease) can effect intracranial trauma, although they may take some time to act. Flesh-eating worms or beetles or other bugs may be introduced into the head via ears, nostrils, or openings (see PIERCING and INCISION, above). Larger animals may be induced to gnaw on the head, or you may choose to do so yourself, or have your friend(s) do so. Aliens may eat skulls, brains, eyeballs, etc. The possibilities are endless.

As you can see, some of these techniques involve advanced technologies, but many can be performed with simple household implements, or even without instrumental assistance, bare-hands. The effects are varied, the results can be spectacular, and it's more fun than watching the clothes go around the a laundromat washer. Try cranial trauma today! You'll be glad you did.

If BRAIN SURGERY Is A Game Then Here Are The Rules

"If it wasn't for bad brains, I wouldn't have no brains at all."

Brain-chopping is fun. Having your own brains chopped up is fun. Chopping up other people's brains is even more fun. Playing games about chopping-up brains is fun too. Fun fun fun. Just bouncing brains around is fun too, but irrelevant here. Here's a way to make a competitive game out of brain-chopping-up. Try it and see.

Championship Rules — North American Brain Surgery League (NABSL)

Players shall organize into teams of 1 or more players. Players shall maintain minimum standards of sanitation. Players shall not sabotage other players. During competition, points shall be logged by League officials ('umpires'). Before competition, umpires will designate surgical target zones and state the duration of play. When competition ensues, each team will perform the following tasks:

1. Find a likely prospect. (2 points) (3 extra points for double-headers.)
2. Lure them to your site. (3 points) (2 extra points if they're sober.)
3. Administer anesthetic. (1 point) (Lose 2 points for overdosing.)
4. Select region for surgery. (1 point) (Lose 2 points for missing head.)
5. Open skull. (2 points) (2 extra points for using unpowered tools.)
6. Remove brain. (2 points) (2 extra points for removal in one piece.)
7. Slice into target zone. (1 point) (Lose 2 points for missing brain.)
8. Reinsert brain in head. (1 point) (Lose 2 points for missing head.)
9. Awaken subject. (2 points) (2 extra points for using unpowered prod.)
10. Return subject to street. (2 points) (3 extra points if self-propelled.)
11. Goto #1.

Competition shall continue until designated duration of play has elapsed. Umpires may award extra points for stylistic innovations. Teams shall be disqualified if all members have been detained by police. Don't spit on the umpires. At the end of competition, the team with the most points, wins. In case of a points tie, the team with fewer players remaining, wins. In case of a team tie, the team offering the greatest bribe to umpires, wins. In case of a bribe tie, the team that slices up the other team first, wins. Don't slice up the umpires. Play clean, and have fun.

European Rules — Fédération Internationale de Chirurgie de Cerveau (FICC)

Play shall be in accordance NABSL rules, except that the English language may not be spoken, each player must consume 5 grams of alum before play, subjects may not be enticed from a McDonald's restaurant, and each umpire must be bribed by each team upon completion of play. Players may be subject to testing for performance-enhancing drugs and polyester clothing. All measurements will be made in the metric system. Only Swiss timepieces may be employed. Each team may have no more than one American player. Players are encouraged to cross-dress.

Commentary

It's expected that much public interest may be generated by impending competitions. You should do all you can to publicize the sport. Brain-surgery enthusiasts should all be good-will ambassadors to the world, spreading the word about the thrills to be had by players and spectators alike. Encourage consumer-products firms and service industries to sponsor teams and competitions. In time, this could be bigger than Roller Derby!

HINT:   To prevent embarrassment during competitions, you should familiarize yourself with the differences between male and female brains in humans.

RESOURCES