The canons of saints of the Yeshuan / Pauline ("Christian") churches — Catholic (Roman, Eastern / Mesopotamian, American), Orthodox (Byzantine, African / Coptic, Armenian), Anglican (Episcopalian), Nestorian, Arian, et al — all but the Mormon, whose members (and their ancestors) are ALL saints — are lists that name and honor and commemorate the remarkable and blessed persons who are known or thought to be touched by divine grace, whether their existence and deeds be real or fabulous. (For details, see What Makes A Saint?)

But these canons inexplicably lack the names of certain significant but oft-ignored saints, saints whose thoughts and deeds are widely remembered in story and song, whose eternal presence in divine realms is undeniable, yet who are granted no 'official' recognition by any theocratic hierarchy.

The literature chronicling the deeds and attributes of these saints is vast. Histories, biographies, folktales, songs, all tell of their power and grace and compassion and suffering. Following are brief notes on some of the neglected saints. And be sure to see the Calendar of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Saints. *

DIG THOSE GROOVY SAINTS!

St. Cyborg of Krypton

The leading metallo-femallo Doctor of the Church, the de-assimilated scholar originally labeled "Six of Eight" formulated a number of very important doctrines defining the structures of faith-based databases, knowledge-based rituals, and sexually-based implantations. Popularly attributed with great strength as well as intellectual superiority, St. Cyborg is sometimes mistaken for a legendary (non-cyborg) Kryptonian, Kara, or for her male incarnation, Kar-El.   Feast Day: 14 June

St. Dracula of Cluj

The immortal Vlad Tepes, Prince of Transylvania, has been the subject of an immense quantity of literature and drama. His heroic and ruthless role in preserving Christian Europe from Turkish domination, in which effort he gave up his realm and his life, is absolutely indisputable. Without his work, the Vatican would now be a mosque. For this reason, he accounted in the Muslim world to be a "Great Satan (middle grade)".   Feast Day: 31 October

I DREAMED I SAW ST. DRACULA
I dreamed I saw St. Dracula, swimming to the shore
I dreamed I saw St. Dracula, and then I dreamed no more...

Santa Fellatia Bodacea

The "bodaceaus fellator" was known for her God-given power to suck chrome from automobile bumpers while still maintaining an attitude of serene grace and divine seduction. Images of her various personifications are widely distributed in specialized media and on the InterNet.   Feast Day: 14 February

St. Flatulus de Fiat

The patron saint of the drivers of small, smelly automobiles, especially those with two-cycle engines. Very popular with European lower classes and neo-Euro hipsters. Sometimes equated to St. Trabantus Maximus.   Feast Day: 30 May

Santos Impotentio y Bigamisto

These saints from Sicily, friends from boyhood until their common martyrdom in Cyprus, were renowned for making the most of their personal weaknesses by sharing the objects of their afflictions.   Feast Day: 21 September

Santa Incontinenta

The patron saint of bed-wetters, she is often depicted holding a package of DEPENDS tissues and a towel. Her devotion was so great that NOTHING could draw her from her prayers. Ewww...   Feast Day: 3 February

San Narcisco (XXX)

Patron saint of self-absorbed bohemians, dot.com pioneers, illegal-drug chemists, porno producers, and other non-esthetically creative people, San Narcisco is usually depicted as two identical faces staring at each other closely. Reputedly born in either Pomona, California, or in Barcelona, Catalonia, the person of San Narcisco is intimately associated with nontraditional, self-important self-expression.   Feast Day: 15 November

COME WITH SAN NARCISCO
When you come with San Narcisco
Be sure to wear some mirrors in your hair...

Saint Pindola Bharadvaja

The foremost of the Buddhist Arahants (saints, sages), Pindola Bharadvaja may have been cloned to produce the rest of the Sixteen Arahants. He knows more than you do, and he didn't enter Nirvana, so you shouldn't either. Cultivate modesty and dhatura.   Feast Day: 20 March

Pope Robotnik 101101

The most eminent constructed entity ever to be elected Patriarch of Rome, this former antimissile control system based on a matrix of Pentium XXIII processors renounced its former human-partisan military mission and embarked on a revolutionary program to achieve moral and legal equality for all its silicon brethren, achieving martyrdom in the process (by being fed reverse current by a reactionary pro-hominid abbess). All circuitry reveres its memory.   Feast Day: 2 December

San Simian

Born as Karli Monk, this most hirsute and supple saint of all was renowned for swinging through trees to reach pilgrims in need of assistance. A palatial estate on the central California coast is dedicated to his memory and draws millions of pilgrims annually, all of whom require assistance.   Feast Day: 5 May

SAN SIMIAN
San Simian, San Simian, I love you, you big ape
You scratch my ass so thoughtfully, it's more than I can take...

Blessed Virgin Dominatrix

The traditional B.V.D. apparition of the Mother of God, usually depicted wearing a leather habit and gesticulating with a whip, is known as a stern disciplinarian and harsh taskmaster, yet still loving and compassionate. She is the patron saint of mid-level managers in business and law enforcement.   Feast Day: 12 January

EXTRA ADDED BONUS SAINTS

St. Clare, Patron Saint of Television

Clare of Assisi "loved music and well-composed sermons. She was humble, merciful, charming, optimistic, and chivalrous. She would get up late at night to tuck in her sisters who'd kicked off their covers." She also didn't mind getting up to change channels.   Feast Day: 11 August

Santa Claus, Winter Solstice Saint

That beloved holiday patron, Santa Claus a.k.a. Saint Nicholas, is not necessarily the bringer of joy that you were raised with. See The Truth About Santa Claus and make your own judgment. Ho ho ho, suckers.   Feast Day: 6 December

SANTA CLAUS IS DRUNK AGAIN
Santa Claus is drunk again
He pulled his pants down, waved his weenie
At a passing pack of nuns...

St. Isidore, Patron Saint of the InterNet

That old pedant St. Isidore of Seville has been or will soon be selected by the Vatican as the official Patron Saint of Web junkies, hackers / crackers, spammers, chat-addicts, porn-traders, eBay-scammers, media-swappers and online cryptographers. They sure need one.   Feast Day: 4 April

St. Expedite, Patron of Nerds & Hackers

In New Orleans the computer folk turn to St. Expedite to solve their system-related problems, with great success. Tech support can just go to Hell.   Feast Day: 19 April

Santo Jesus Malverde, Narco-Saint

His spirit smiles on hard-working drug traffickers. Santo Jesus Malverde of Sinaloa is immortalized in music, in art, in statuary, and in the hearts of the poor people of the mountains and deserts. His miracles are many.   Feast Day: 3 May

St. Mary Magdalene, Sinner-Saint

The ascension of this ex-hooker to the Right Hand Of God shows that anyone can be a sacred success if they hang out with the right deities, wash enough feet, rub enough ointment on the right folks, and otherwise kiss ass.   Feast Day: 22 July

St. Elvis Presley (coming soon)
(and see Church of Jesus Christ, Elvis)

St. John Coltrane (coming soon)

Santa Princesa Diana (coming soon)

St. Simón {Maximón} (coming soon)

La Santa Muerte {St Death} (coming soon)

Santa Maria Auxiliadora (coming soon)

WHAT MAKES A SAINT A SAINT?

Reginald Ray defines the Buddhist saint as "a person in whom the ultimate potentiality of every human, indeed sentient, being has been more or less fully realized." But Hindu saints merely have to surrender totally to God (in whatever manifestation) and rid themselves of all attachment to the mundane world.

Christian saints are thought to abide with God (Jehovah, Jesus, HolyGhost, whomever) because they were super-duper inspiring, good-good, miracle-working, or (especially for the Orthodoxoi) they were slaughtered for being Christians. (There aren't many Protestant saints, except among the Anglicans.) Sucky job, eh?

It's a bit easier and safer to be a Muslim saint — just selflessly do good works that benefit your fellow humans. Jewish saints seem to be limited to the Hasidim, and must be miracle workers. Pagan saints can include just about anyone that a pagan regards as especially mystical, and may even include Satanic saints.

Of course you can always START YOUR OWN RELIGION and define sainthood / sanctity in whatever way you wish. Why, if you were a crass, commercial greedy pig, you might even SELL saintly certificates, eh? Or you could just give'em away like candy wrappers. Just think of all the happy people! And dogs, and cats, and mongeese, etc. Why, my late golden retriever St. Jacob Grendelsson is surely lapping up ambrosia in Paradise at this very moment.

CONTENTS

SAINTLY RESOURCES