Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. —WarMunkey
In Brief: How To
CAST SPELLS (With Some Effect) After The Magic Is Exhausted
Rationalism for the few and magic for the many. —Jacob Burckhardt
Like all forms of mass and energy, magic is a finite resource. Such writers as Larry Niven and Barbara Hambly (more here) have described the effects of local exhaustion of magic. The problem is real, but surmountable. Here's what you can do about it:
- Re-locate: Move yourself outside the region of local magic exhaustion. This may require that you abandon your established practice and abode and tools and sex-slaves and everything else; that you travel through hazardous realms with scant protection from wards and charms; that you perform certain unpleasant sacrifices and rituals whilst enroute; that you contend with other practitioners already established in your target region; and other bothersome crap. If the magic is gone from your entire planet, you may be forced to travel to a different stellar system, where entirely different types of astrology et al must be mastered.
- Re-energize: Using the appropriate devices, you may open a wormhole to another part of the observable universe where magic has not yet been depleted. Other devices will enable you to suction magic from the far end and channel it to your locale.
WARNING: Magic from extragalactic sources may involve particles / forces that will interact poorly or explosively with those on your home planet. Extreme caution is advised.
- Re-formulate: Many of your old, accustomed spells and rituals tap into magic energy at certain levels and frequencies; these alone may be exhausted. Re-tune your rites to feed upon magickal energies existing elsewhere. Extensive experimentation may be required to locate these resources; or, see the accompanying card for a list of available energies, their levels and frequencies and phases.
- Re-tire: Now may be a good time to change careers. You've had it good; the sex-slaves are still at hand; the drugs still work; the gold still buys happiness. As long as there's still enough magic where you are (or where you're going) to maintain your spells of immortality, you've got it made. Quit the mage business, go into marketing or public relations, politics or sales, any occupation that requires your wits but not your blood. Leave the magickal questing to those young bucks who think they know it all. They'll learn, just as you have. Take a break.
The Holy Enthusiastick longs to Feast and riot upon humane Sacrifices, turn Cities and Nations into Shambles, and destroy with Fire and Sword such who dare to thwart his Frenzy. —John Trenchard, Natural History of Superstition
Sometimes you need to invoke powerful spirits, potent spirits, dark spirits. Sometimes they require blood. Lots of blood. Sometimes animal blood just isn't enough. Sometimes your religious beliefs require that you shed human blood. This can be lots of fun. Here are some methods:
HOW TO DO IT:
- Acquire one or more humans.
- Invoke one or more deities.
- Sacrifice the human(s).
Select the method preferred by your god(s):
- nature: too much or too little of earth, air, fire or water
- sharp/penetrating object: knife, sword, axe, bullet, etc
- blunt/bludgeoning object: rock, hammer, club, tire, etc
- choke/strangulating object: rope, wire, chain, cable, etc
- gravity: throw from window, bridge, tower, cliff, tree, etc
- manual assault: choke, beat, poke, pry, rip, etc with hands
- pedal assault: stomp, kick, crush, poke, etc with feet
- sexual assault: provoke orgasm in process of sacrifice
- mental assault: provoke terror, outrage, boredom, etc
- mayhem/dismemberment: torn apart by horses, trucks, oxen, etc
- feed to ravenous animals: lions, dogs, snakes, ants, hyenas, etc
- old technology: crucifixion, impalement, Catherine wheel, iron maiden, Procrustean bed/rack, etc
- advanced technology: electrocution, lethal injection, ionizing radiation, terminal infection, ejection from orbit, genetic damage, devoured by nanorobots, etc
- Reap rewards from god(s).
- Goto #1
Still, questions may be asked. Legal questions. Check into the legality of sacrificing your child and generally the legal status of sacrificing. Review the court cases regarding sacrificing, and what makes a sacrifice legal or illegal. And you may wish to sacrifice your attorney(s). Do it now.
"Happiness is the only sanction of life; where happiness fails, existence remains a mad and lamentable experiment." —George Santayana
Sometimes, everything seems futile. Your gods have left you, or you them. Your angels don't comfort you, your demons don't afflict you, nor you them, Your spirit seems cast adrift on stormy seas, smashed onto cruel rocks, lying broken and bleeding under a pitiless sun. Bother.
You wonder who you are, why you're here, what you're doing, where you're going — and there are no spiritual guides to lead you through the maze of existence. That's all there is existence: endlessly breathing the same air, eating the same foods, drinking the same drinks, walking the same paths, tiring the same muscles, boring the same acquaintances, thinking the same thoughts. It makes you want to SCREAM, but you haven't the energy.
Friend, you've got a bad case of Existential Angst!
But you don't need to just sit there, whining about it, crying in your brew-pub beer, bewailing the meaningless of your wretched existence. NO! Even though you are doomed to a miserable self-centered life, you can still gain valuable experiences and premiums, just by playing THE EXISTENTIAL ANGST GAME.
PREPARATION
- Abandon all your gods, angels, demons, faeries, other spirits and invisible friends.
- Abandon all your relatives, neighbors, acquaintances, workmates, other visible friends.
- Abandon all your real estate, furniture, valuables, collections, other possessions.
- Acquire a .44 revolver and ammunition, 5 liters of brandy, two dice, and a radio.
- Go to a quiet room, switch the radio to any station, and commence play.
GAME-PLAY
- Drink a shot of brandy.
- Throw the dice; depending on the results, perform the following:
- 1-0: Pick up the other die off the floor, roll again.
- 1-1: Place one bullet in the revolver, spin the cylinder, place the barrel in your mouth, pull the trigger.
- 1-2, 2-1: Masturbate to orgasm.
- 1-3, 3-1: Drink a shot of brandy.
- 2-2: Drink two shots of brandy.
- 2-3, 3-2: Run naked around the block.
- 1-5, 5-1: Seduce two strangers.
- 2-4, 4-2: Assault two strangers.
- 3-3: Perform oral sex on three strangers.
- 1-6, 6-1: Set fire to a church.
- 2-5, 5-2: Set fire to a synagogue.
- 3-4, 4-3: Set fire to another temple.
- 2-6, 6-2: Write a nihilistic poem.
- 3-5, 5-3: Write a romantic song.
- 4-4: Drink four shots of brandy.
- 3-6, 6-3: Rob a liquor store.
- 4-5, 5-4: Rob a gas station.
- 4-6, 6-4: Blaspheme a god.
- 5-5: Blaspheme five gods.
- 5-6, 6-5: Masturbate a friend to orgasm.
- 6-6, 6-6: Stop for today, resume play tomorrow.
- If any brandy remains, goto #1.
- Place one bullet in the revolver, spin the cylinder, place the barrel in your mouth, pull the trigger.
- Repeat as needed.
Play this game a few times, and your existential angst will come to an end — I GUARANTEE IT!! And during the course of play, your existence will be enriched in many ways, more than I can describe here. Try it and see. Play the game 'existence' to the end!
DOs And DON'Ts For Newly-Hatched DEITIES;
or, How To Be GODLIKE Without Breaking a Sweat; or, 95 Things I'll Remember When I Become DIVINE;
or, If GODHOOD Is A Game, Then These Are The Rules
The Law of the Jungle is by far the oldest law in the world. —Rudyard Kipling
So now you're a deity. Congratulations! Or, big focking deal. Whatever. OK, you made it here by hard work, or magic, or luck, or genetic manipulation, or advanced science, or something like that, or something else. Whatever. Now that you're here, what you gonna do?
- I won't let it go to my head. I mean, hey, it's only godhood, right? It ain't like it's anything improtant or unique.
- I won't try interfering with other entities. They're probably all deities too. Could get nasty. Don't piss'em off.
- I will not muck around with the universe. The universe is too finely balanced, and if I push and pull at it, I'll probably just knock it over and break something.
- I won't issue rules for others to follow; I'll have enough of a hard time, following the rules I make for myself.
- Every power has an equal and opposite responsibility. I've gotta keep that in mind.
- I will consort with other deities as much as possible - that's what we're all here for, right?
- Thunder and lightning get old real quick. They're good for multimedia shows, not so good for intimidation.
- I will not pretend to be a swan. Well, probably not.
- I will not be a damn know-it-all - holy fools have merit too.
- I'll try not to get caught up in true/false, good/bad, right/wrong dichotomies. Logic is too simplistic - that "binary logic" stuff is too simplistic, the universe is much more complex and subtle. I'll revel in the richness.
- Even gods need a day off. Lotsa days off. I won't work too hard.
- If I should let a few galaxies smash into each other every now'n'then, well, heck. I'll admit that, well, shit happens. I won't just blame it on gravity.
- I'll take time to stop and sniff the supernovas.
- 4 basic forces and 4 basic dimensions are ENOUGH - I won't get carried away with complexity for complexity's sake.
- I'll always spring new surprises - keep people on their toes. Strange travel directions are a god's dancing lessons. Keep'em dancing.
- I'll keep in mind that as a deity I'm entirely superfluous to the operation of the universe - I'm a luxury, not a necessity.
- I'll learn to get along with all the other deities; it's a big universe, there's more than enough to share.
To be continued...
I did not begin when I was born, nor when I was conceived. I have been growing, developing, through incalculable myriads of millenniums. All my previous selves have their voices, echoes, promptings in me. Oh, incalculable times again shall I be born. —Jack London
Once is not enough. Live, die, repeat the process. Come back again and again. REINCARNATION! Some think this is a good idea; others hold that it's tedious, and you'd do well to get off the merry-go-round. Whatever. Personally I think that ferris wheels and merry-go-rounds are rather fun, that we should put some effort into learning how to reincarnate. But not all agree. Killjoys...
Here are the basic rules of life and death and rebirth:
"Get born
Keep warm
Short pants
Romance
Get dressed
Get blessed
Try to be a Suck-cess
Please her
Please him
Don't steal
Don't lift
20 years of schoolin'
And they put you on the day shift" —Bob Dylan
(die and repeat)
Would you rather taste worldly delights & torments repeatedly? Are you tired of such mundane existence? Most traditions suggest that to exit the reincarnative cycle, you need to become a perfect being. Are you ready to attain perfection? Would you rather just eat, drink, be merry, fock and be focked, forever and ever? How is perfection more fun than that?
(to be continued...)
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