Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. —WarMunkey
In Brief: CHANNELING For Total Morons
"On another occasion he had said, 'My sympathies are not entirely with Patrick. He may be a good medium, but as a citizen—' 'It is time spiritualism was recognized as a mark of good citizenship,' Marlene said. —Muriel Spark
To channel one or more entities, you must hear and transmit their voices. These voices may be divine, demonic, alien, angelic, automatic, induced; you should decide which (if any of the above) is the case. Failure to distinguish between valid and invalid voices may result in severe penalties. Sometimes your Invisible Friends aren't really your friends, now are they? You may not be able to tell until after you're communed with them awhile, but by then it may be too late. Bother. Try following these guidelines:
START
- Attain a trance state via meditation, hypnosis, drugs, disease, trauma, coma, bliss, prayer, sex, possession, radiation, magnetism, whatever.
- Let one or more voices fill your head. (Note: Always do what the voices tell you. ALWAYS!)
- Before, during, or after the channeling episode, record your experience(s) and any message(s) you received.
- Produce written, filmed, taped, or otherwise-rendered accounts of your experience(s) and message(s).
- Push your product at as many public, private or broadcast forums as you can weasel your way into.
- Goto #1
END
The Absolute Total Moron's Brief Condensed Guide To FENG SHUI
It's very important that everything around you be arranged correctly in an around a structure. Improper placement of objects, furnishings, landscaping, etc can cause bad luck, especially if heavy unstable objects fall on you, or if you sink into a tar pit or quicksand. Careful study of Feng Shui can guide you towards good fortune and more valuable real estate. And if this doesn't do the trick, maybe Vaastu Shastra and a nice Vindaloo Egg Curry (washed down with some strong ale) can help. Maybe.
WHAT TO DO:
- Meditate: Place your spirit in the proper position.
- Navigate: Make sure you know how to get to the structure.
- Estimate: Make sure you are paid in advance for your consultation.
- Orientate: Place all doors and windows in the correct direction, depending on the location of the structure: on an east-facing wall in the Northern Hemisphere; on a west-facing wall in the Southern Hemisphere; atop the roof at the North Pole; and under the basement at the South Pole. Structures orbiting the Earth should have no doors or windows at all. Structures buried under the Earth's surface should consist of NOTHING but doors and windows.
- Vegetate: Place plants in corners inside the structure. Place trees at corners outside the structure. Do not place plants and trees directly behind or in front of doors and windows, or atop or adjacent to plumbing fixtures or cooking appliances. Do not place live cactus plants within closets, shower stalls, pantries or vomitoria.
- Coordinate: Avoid clashing colors, shapes, textures, etc.
- Masturbate: Avoid having sex with other living creatures.
- Dominate: Tell your underlings exactly where to place objects.
- Irradiate: Expose the structure to sterilizing ionized emanations.
- Hibernate: Sleep well, confident that you have done well, very well.
FUTUROLOGY For The Feebleminded
"Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends! Well I say there are some things we don't want to know! Important things!" —Ned Flanders
- WHAT IT IS AND ISN'T Futurology is the scientific study of what may happen. You can tell that because it combines the words FUTURE (what may happen) and -OLOGY (scientific study). Futurology is not like PROPHESY (see I PREDICTS: The PROPHESY Game for more into) because Prophets claim to be certain and Futurologists claim to be uncertain. Scientists know that things are only possible or probable, not predestined, so they don't claim to be perfect. A mistaken prophet can only blame their Invisible Friend(s); a mistaken scientist can blame their data, their model, their colleagues, or the laws of chance.
- HOW THEY DO IT Futurologists don't proclaim visions of what will be. Instead, they construct scenarios, little stories of what may happen, based on what already has happened. So much stuff has already happened that almost anything else can happen, so Futurologists are always busy little beavers, endlessly constructing more scenarios, just like Star Trek fans are always writing new episodes where Kirk and Spock have sex or Geordie has tendrils or Deep Space Nine is menaced by flatulent radioactive termites from Uranus.
- HOW YOU CAN DO IT It's easy to be a Futurologist. Just look at what has already happened, think about what is happening now, and write some scenarios, little stories about what may happen. Always put a number with a percent sign (%) in the scenario, telling the reader what you guess its probability is, so they can tell it's scientific and not just some pronouncement of a prophet or pundit or politician or preacher or other such liar. This is 82% reliable, ± 2.77% margin of error .
- WHY YOU SHOULD DO IT Sell your scenarios to Futurology magazines, and read them at Futurology conferences and seminars, and get invited onto TV shows where you can talk about the future, and you can make a lot of money and have your picture on posters and bookcovers and billboards, just like Herman Kahn and Stewart Brand and Tom Tomorrow. Then you can maybe make some real friends and go out on real dates and stop hanging out in singles' bars telling lies and sweating a lot and bumping into the potted ferns. Sounds like fun, huh!
The Total Moron's Extremely Brief Guide To NECROMANCY
"Why should the dead be wiser than the living? The dead know only this — that it was better to be alive." —James Elroy Flecker
NECROMANCY is an important tool for all those seeking answers to difficult and intimate questions. The dead are often much more discrete and better-informed than are the living. They won't tell your secrets. They won't laugh at you. They know how to be quiet. You should consult the dead as often as necessary, if not more.
WHAT TO DO:
- Raise one or more spirits from the dead.
- Ask them questions about your problems.
- Do everything they tell you.
- Repeat as seems needed.
ALTERNATE METHOD:
- Exhume or otherwise acquire a corpse.
- Examine it carefully, noting patterns.
- Apply the patterns to your inquiry.
- Repeat as deemed necessary.
WHAT TO KNOW:
- You may have to forfeit your soul, if any.
- Although dead, you can't outsmart them.
- They don't have your interests at heart.
- They smell worse than you do. Probably.
If the physically dead don't respond adequately to your queries, you could refer your questions to the mentally dead — see newspaper and magazine advertisements for NewAge (rhymes with 'sewage') practitioners. Good luck, and may the Force be with you.
Phaithfully READING ENTRAILS For Pheebleminded Phun And Prophet
The proper and careful examination of entrails can tell you a great deal, can answer your most profound questions, can lead you on paths of discovery and enlightenment. Some types of entrail-divination include: by sacrificial appearances, Aruspicy (or Haruspicy), Hieromancy, Hieroscopy; by the entrails of animals sacrificed, Extispicy; by the entrails of a human sacrifice, Anthropomancy; by the entrails of women & children, Antinopomancy;
by the entrails of fishes, Ichthyomancy; by examining the liver of sacrificed animals, Hepatoscopy, Hepatomancy; by reading cut sections of a goat liver, Splanchnomancy. YOU can have an exciting career in the expanding field of entrail-divination! Here's how:
WHAT TO DO:
- Sharpen your knives. Repeat until thin.
- Utter preparatory prayers and incantations.
- Take some living thing to an alter.
- Cut it open whilst asking certain questions.
- Examine the entrails for:
- color
- texture
- shape
- odor
- taste
- contents
- Comparing the entrails to the descriptions and pictures on the attached card, determine the probable answers to your questions and inquiries.
- Proclaim your findings.
- Collect appropriate fees.
- Shoo away all spectators.
- Roast and devour the sacrifice.
- Solicit further inquiries.
- Goto #1.
In Brief: How To Master
REMOTE VIEWING Without Breaking A Sweat
Take mescaline; see many buffalo from far away. Watch television; see many bullshitters from far away. Hit your head with a hammer; see many deities from far away. Drink several gallons of ethanol; see many elephants from far away, pink or otherwise. Receive an alien implant; see many UFOs from far away. The prospects are nearly endless.
But you didn't come here for that. You're interested in Remote Viewing, a psychic process of eavesdropping with your interior eyes. This is the most objective form of visualization, and a process that may be verified, if desired. Here's how to practice and validate RV'ing:
- Attain the proper mental / spiritual / emotional state, via meditation, concentration, orgasmination, intoxication, alienation, mesmerization, whatever works.
- Visualize your subject. Place yourself there. Go completely. Leave your body behind, an empty husk. Become totally involved in where you want to be, not where you are.
- Record your sensory impressions. The more details, the better.
- Reluctantly, bring yourself back. If you can. If you dare.
- To test your acuity: Refer to extant records of the site you have RV'd. If there are differences, you have penetrated barriers of time as well as of space. Congratulations!
Be aware that your visualization may be of past, present, and/or future events. Be aware that your visualizations may occur in different places. Always visualize yourself with a digital watch, a GPS (Global Positioning System) receiver, and a recording device, so that you can record the date and time and location of the events and locale you are visualizing. Failure to comply may compromise your RV session. Don't fock it up, eh?
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