If <whatever> Is A Game Then Here Are The Rules
Vol 1: Serious Games

by Ric Carter
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. —WarMunkey

The CROP CIRCLES Game For Total Absolute Fockwit Morons

If I wanted focking circles in my cereal, I'd eat focking Cheerios! —ÜberSkeptik

Don't waste your time with this game. It's futile. Cerealology is the stupidist paranormal endeavour, except for all the others. I've said about all I need to say about this. But if you REALLY want to do this, here's how:

  1. Get a lawnmower.
  2. Find a field.
  3. Get to work.

You may find this unsatisfying or redundant — I mean, Crop Circles — they've been done, right? And by smarter and more artistic entities than you. But don't let me slow you down. Explore new possibilities in new realms:

OK, it ain't a game unless you're doing something, something tedious — making circles is tedious, but some of the above are even too tedious for most people, so your other possible activity is linguistic: employ language about circles to occupy your time. Attribute the circles to forces beyond the ken of humans, or to human fakers, or whatever. Read deep meanings into the circles. [NOTE: by 'circles', I mean any form in any media, whether circular or not.] Explore the relationships between circles, their locales and timing, and others who comment upon them. Get published. Build a career. Avoid work.

Addendum: Basic Crop-Circle Hoaxing

  1. Knock down crops or grass.
  2. Do so in a pattern.
  3. Make it magnetic.
  4. Make it radioactive.
  5. Don't get caught.
ToC


If EVOLUTION Is A Game Then Here Are The (Ever-Evolving) Rules

"Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof." —Ashley Montagu

EVOLUTION is defined as: The survival of change over time. The basic rules of evolution are quite straightforward: (but feel free to elaborate in any way you can)

    START NOW
  1. Get Born
  2. Adapt And Survive
  3. Reproduce Before Dying;
      else, Go Extinct
  4. Goto #1
    END FOREVER

Much is known about evolution and genetics. For instance, if your parents never had children, then you probably won't either. Evolution only runs backwards in literature, drama and music. If you don't evolve, something that does will devour you. The evolutionary model works in many realms: creationist doctrine continues to evolve. And I'm more evolved than you are — nyah nyah nyah!

SOME QUESTIONS FOR CRETINISTS: Who/what created the Creator? Who/what created the Creator's Creator? Ad infinitum... Why did your Creator design humans with much less efficient eyes than octopi have? Why tonsils, the appendix, dandruff? If we're made in your Creator's image, is your Creator overweight, flatulent, neurotic, seasick, narcoleptic, annoying? Just wondering...

EVOLUTIONOPOLY: It shouldn't be hard to design an EVOLUTIONOPOLY game. Only a rather small board is needed — but provide many RISK and OPTION cards. Play is straightforward: You'd start at GO (Reproduction), cycle past a number of physical hazards and gene-modifying influences, and either cycle around to breed again, or bomb out (DO NOT PASS REPRODUCTION, DO NOT COLLECT 200 OFFSPRING). As long as you keep adapting to changes in the environment, you win. But you'll always lose. Always. Unless you're a cockroach.

NOTE: Do not confuse EVOLUTION, the process of change, with BIOGENESIS, the origin of life. That's a different game. So is DEVOLUTION, the process of deterioration.

ALSO: Don't think that EVOLUTION necessarily means PROGRESS, nor that DEVOLUTION (if any) means REGRESS. Naturally-changing processes don't necessarily get better (or worse), they just tend to become more complex. See IF CHAOS IS A GAME... for more.


"If today you can take a thing like evolution and make it a crime to teach in the public schools, tomorrow you can make it a crime to teach it in the private schools and next year you can make it a crime to teach it to the hustings or in the church. At the next session you may ban books and the newspapers... Ignorance and fanaticism are ever busy and need feeding. Always feeding and gloating for more. Today it is the public school teachers; tomorrow the private. The next day the preachers and the lecturers, the magazines, the books, the newspapers. After a while, Your Honor, it is the setting of man against man and creed against creed until with flying banners and beating drums we are marching backward to the glorious ages of the sixteenth century when bigots lighted fagots to burn the men who dared to bring any intelligence and enlightenment and culture to the human mind."—Clarence Darrow (Scopes Monkey Trial

ToC


If PYRAMIDOLOGY Is A Game, Here Are The Rules


"The mighty pyramids of stone
  That wedge-like cleave the desert airs
"When nearer seen, and better known
  Are but gigantic flights of stairs"
   —Longfellow, The Ladder Of St. Augustine

Ah, the great and mysterious Pyramids, emblems of the striving of Man for immortality and skyward aspirations, tokens of the collaboration of Earthlings and Skyfolk, vast UFO beacons rising from the jungles (of MesoAmerica and IndoChina) and deserts (of Egypt and Las Vegas) and planetary surfaces (of Cydonia, Mars) and wherever else triangles attain three-dimensional manifestation. Zowie.

Pyramids can be the starting and ending points of exploration in religious, UFOlogical, mathematical, spiritual, cognitive, artistic, engineering, and other realms. You can make of pyramids whatever you will. Here are some rules for playing Pyramidology games:

  1. Take some Pyramid measurements — your own, or someone else's. Round-off as needed. Select whatever measurement system seem appropriate.
  2. Find some scientific truths embedded in values and/or ratios of Pyramid measurements. Borrow, invent, and/or modify ("fudge") the truths as needed. Variable truths seem to work best in this regard.
  3. Find some chronological and/or historical significance in the Pyramid measurements and ratios. Borrow freely.
  4. Make some prophetic pronouncements based on your Pyramid data. Borrow, adapt and invent freely.
  5. Establish undeniable linkages between PYRAMIDOLOGY and ANCIENT ASTRONAUTS and LOST CIVILIZATIONS and SUCCULENT ALIENS and whatever else jumps out at you.
  6. Publish your findings (truths, significances, prophesies) in as many media and media outlets as you can find — print, audio, video, cyber, etc. Illustrate profusely — use many old (public domain) images, your own graphics, charts, tourist snapshots, etc, processed and edited as needed.
  7. Produce you own line of Pyramid-related products: hats and clothing, jewels and adornments, posters, games, 'tools', healing and meditation aids, 'energy' focusing implements, toys, etc. Any "old Egypt" theme materials may be included.
  8. Denounce all critics, infidels, nay-sayers, skeptics, materialists, etc.

A good pyramids is hard to beat. Besides studying and analyzing the ancient pyramids of Egypt, China, IndoChina, MesoAmerica, Ohio, etc, you can always build your own. Clay and concrete are good materials to work with, although you can also build smaller ones of glass (for growing plants), wire (for sleeping under), latex (for masturbating into/with), or LEDs (for spacing-out on). But those are totally different games — aren't they?

ToC


How You Can Win Big At The SELF-DELUSION Game, Fer Sure!


"He used statistics the way a drunkard uses lampposts - for support, not illumination." —Andrew Lang

You have more to live for than 'mere' reality. (See If Existance Is A Game, Here Are The Rules for some details.) Reality for the human consciousness is a complex realm. Just as in mathematics where the plane of complex numbers is made up of the real (x) axis and imaginary (y) axis, so is human complexity an infinite intersection of real (physical) and imaginary (virtual) dimensions.

Reality is many things. Reality is whatever bites your ass, that is, whatever affects you. Reality is also what you make it, that is, you can control much of what's real to you. You can manipulate the physical realm by moving objects around, and you can manipulate the virtual realm by moving ideas and perceptions and emotions around. So by playing the Self-Delusion game, you can make your imagination work for you to make a better life. Yeah, sure.

DELUDE YOURSELF USEFULLY

  •   Tell yourself that something is so when you know that it isn't so. Make yourself believe that it is so. Make it so. Do this with everything you think you know or don't know.
  •   Take some aspect of the virtual realm and rotate it by 90° or 123.456° or 69° or 3.14159° or 666°. Rotate is through the x axis and the y axis and the z axis and the t axis. Try all possible combinations. Then live with it. Make it personal.
  •   Take some aspect of the virtual realm and tie it in knots. Or bend it around itself. Or nail it to a tree. Or sing it a love song. Or feed it chocolate. Or have sex with it. Or run it through a car wash. Or replace its batteries. Or tune it to another frequency. Or paint it some color that you can or can't see. Or sell it on eBay.
  •   Whatever you do with your virtual stuff, make sure it affects you so that it's really real. Otherwise, what's the point?

Self-delusion can be as simple or as complex as you want or can stand. Some of the points listed above may be beyond your comprehension or abilities. Here are some simpler approaches to self-delusion:

SUB-SETS OF SELF-DELUSION

  •   DIVINE AFFECTION: Tell yourself: "Jesus loves me! God loves me! Buddha loves me! Allah loves me!" Keep telling yourself this, despite all evidence otherwise. Otherwise, you may discern no reason for further existence, and you'll jump off a bridge or something.
  •   SELF-AFFIRMATION: Tell yourself: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dammit, people like me!" Keep telling yourself this, despite all evidence to the contrary. Otherwise, you may find no point in living, and you'll suck a tailpipe or something. (See SELF-AFFIRMATION For Total Morons for more.)
  •   POPULAR ACCLAIM: Tell yourself "People listen when I talk! People respect me for what I am! People love my work!" Repeat, as per above. (This sometimes falls into the category of Delusions Of Adequacy - see the previous point.)
ToC


YnK Bugged: The Millennial Madness Game (Repeat As Needed)


"Trust the computer industry to shorten the term 'Year 2000' to 'Y2K'. It was that kind of myopic thinking that got us into this situation in the first place." —Anon.

Each and every single year is a millennium of something or other, 1000 or 1028 (1k) years after some event that someone thought was significant, so it's never to late to be ready for the next millennium.

This is especially true if you're dealing with Aztec-Mayan years, Arab-Jewish years, random years, lunar years, Martian years, or some other traditional or cryptic or creative out-of-the-box numeration system, which can demand exceptional treatment.

And so many fine, upstanding, enthusiastic and devoted people are expecting their favorite apocalyptic events to be correlated with millennial timemarks! Don't disappoint them or yourself - just play this simple game:

    START
  1. Adopt or devise a calendar system — see How To Create Your Own Time/Date System and to Hell With Everybody Else for details on the latter approach
  2. Decide just what duration of time constitutes a 'millennium' — this period has varied with different (sub)cultures and accountancies, as have 'century' and 'year' — see these resources
  3. Decide just which events to expect upon reaching that point — consult your favorite (super)natural source(s) for details, and/or view some Apocalyptic / EndOfTheWorld and Sacerdotal Literature
  4. Just to be safe, see the Top Ten Signs the Apocalypse is Approaching; look for indications. And review other possible End-Of-The-World scenarios.
  5. Determine whether any actions on your part can/should/will prevent Doomsday, forestalling those untoward events — refer to the same source(s) mentioned above
  6. Promulgate your views, possibly killing anyone who disagrees — and possibly killing your own followers as well, if so indicated by your favorite (super)natural source(s)
  7. If you got the date wrong, recalculate and start over.
    END

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Ric Carter, ric@sonic.net, www.sonic.net/~ric, copyright © by OTRSS