Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. —WarMunkey
"But oh, the farmyard world of sex!" —H.Granville Barker
Who the hell says that sex is only for consenting adults of opposite genders joined in holy matrimony? Nobody but those goddam Fundy Jeezoids and their constipated ilk!
Hey, wise up! Sex is an all-inclusive pastime. You've heard this before: "Silly Rabbit! Sex is for kids!" And not just for kids, or even just for humans or mammals or terrestrial entities. Sex can be for/to/with ANYTHING. Just be careful about doing permanent damage. Here are the rules for playing exalted sex games:
- Locate one or more (hopefully consenting) sentient alien(s), clone(s), robot(s), deity(s), and/or priest(esses) or other cleric(s).
- Engage in sexual activity - see SEXUALITY For Total Morons for details.
- Keep score, using the following additive point system:
- Sexual contact with human (non-mechanical): +1 pt
- Sexual contact with non-human (non-animal): +3 pts
- Sexual contact employing non-sentient tool: +1 pts
- All other sexual contacts.................. -1 pt
- Foreplay (per each 0.375 hour, Earth time): +1 pt
- Each orgasm received....................... +1 pt
- Each orgasm given.......................... +2 pts
- Orgasm indeterminate....................... -1 pt
- Death of participant during orgasm......... +4 pts
- Death of participant pre- or post-orgasm... -3 pts
- Death of non-participating observer........ +5 pts
- Death of non-sentient participant (animal): -2 pts
- Publish your current score regularly, with documentary details added for extra points as follows:
- text....................................... +1 pt
- audio...................................... +2 pts
- video...................................... +3 pts
- scent and/or taste......................... +4 pts
- texture and/or other....................... +5 pts
- documentation contains detached body parts: -2 pts
- Winner is determined by dividing each player's gross income over the duration of play by the total points accumulated and the duration of play, giving dollars per point per day. Sex isn't free!
METAPHYSICS: An argument as to whether the debaters exist, and if so, why. —A.Bierce (??)
Mental Masturbation is some of the most fun you can have with your clothes on. It's easy and fun to play with ideas that will never spawn anything. Just of think of something that has no way of being tested against observable reality, some question that is subject only to the rules and limitations of whatever logic you use on it.
Theology (including metaphysics) is an exceptionally rich realm for such play; but politics (including economics and revolution), art (including literature, music, etc) and sports are also favorites. Any subject that's been debated fruitlessly for over 500 years is worth your attention. Have fun.
HOW TO PLAY:
- Have an idea, or borrow one.
- It it's testable, discard it.
- Stroke it until it spews.
- Wave it at the other players.
- Ignore their ideas.
- Goto #1.
Once you've tried Mental Masturbation, there's no turning back. You'll play it constantly, day and night, hither thither and yon, until your brain has compeltely burnt out. Just don't do it in public — there are restrictive laws in many jurisdictions. Like prayer, this is best confined to a dark closet. Have fun.
If
SEX-MAGICK Is A Game, Here Are The Rules
"Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing." —Dick Brandon
The ecstasy generated by sacred magickal sex is about the most fun you can have with your clothes off. By regenerating the eternal traditions of the ancient cultures of
Egypt, Mesopotamia, Greece, India, Persia, Thailand, and Brooklyn, you can connect with the primal energies of the universe whilst getting your rocks off maximally. And it's all so holy! You can even bring the dead back to life! Here are the rules for playing this all-consuming game:
HOW TO DO IT
- Gather some people & other entities.
- Everybody get naked, or close enough.
- Apply magick,
oils,
drugs,
hypnosis,
whatever.
- Have a lot of sacred sex. Pray loudly or quietly.
- Repeat as needed.
WHEN TO DO IT
- Now
- Then
- Again
- Whenever
WHEN/WHERE NOT TO
- Neighbors are complaining
- Animals are frightened
- Lightning is striking
- Lava flow is imminent
- Oils/drugs/food are gone
- You've already transcended
SEXUALITY For The Total Moron
"Sex is something I really don't understand too hot. You never know where the hell you are. I keep making up these sex rules for myself, and them I break them, right away." —J.D. Salinger, The Catcher In The Rye
Sex can be so confusing. Your own sexuality may be a complete mystery to yourself and to others. What to do, with whom, and how? Ah, the Big Questions... Here are some hints:
WHAT TO DO:
- Male: 1) Stick it in. 2) Pull it out. 3) Repeat as needed.
- Female: Assist and encourage. All orifices are available.
- Other: Observe the above. You may assist. Or not. Whatever.
- Pain: If it hurts, stop, unless that's your goal, in which case continue.
- Aides: Any device may be used for assistance, unless you don't want it.
- AIDS: Practice safe sex: wear a full-body prophylactic ("wet suit").
ALTERNATIVES:
- Male-Male: Insert whatever fits, wherever it fits.
- Female-Female: Do whatever works, wherever it works.
- Human-Group: Do whatever you can get away with.
- Human-Animal: Try not to be detected.
- Human-Divine: Try not to be transfigured.
- Human-Alien: Try not to be implanted.
- Human-Cyborg: Try not to be assimilated.
When you talk about sex, be sure you know what the words mean. If you're not doing anything else, you can always Poke The Bunny or determine Am I Jailbait Or Not?
"Patriarchy could fall at the drop of a pair of lacy panties." —K.P. Kaligari
If
SIN
(SIN?) Is A Game Then Here Are The Rules
"If I'd have known that I'd have sinned
I wouldn't have broke that second wind..."
- The word 'sin' derives from the Spanish 'sin' meaning 'without'; i.e., the Sinagua people of ancient Arizona were "sin agua", without water. Thus the more you are without, the greater your sin.
- To minimize your sin, do without doing without. Have more sex, money, food, drink, power, etc. The more you are "with", the less you are "without", the less your sin.
- To maximize your sin, do without doing with — have fewer goodies & fun & stuff. The less you are "with", the more you are "without", the greater your sin.
- To optimize your sin, do and have just enough. But do so excessively, exuberantly, fully. As Robt. Heinlein said, "Live to excess! Moderation is for monks."
"The sins ye do by two and two ye must pay for one by one."
—R. Kipling
- Various Judeo-Xian sects maintain catalogues of various sins, some of which you perform by action, some by thought, and some (Original Sin) that you're just born into . These sins may be rated on a 1-10 scale, from eerily minor to staggeringly major. These can also be divided into sub-groups: some, you can talk your way out of, by confession or conversion; some, you can buy your way out of, by contributions or compensations; some, you're just stuck with. Certain types (Seven Deadly Sins) are considered especially infectious.
- You can minimize your sin by avoiding all thoughts, deeds and other stuff that may be considered sinful by your particular sect, and by performing as much counter-sinful and compensatory stuff as possible.
- You can minimax your sin by performing as many as possible of those which you can talk or buy your way out of; enjoy the sins, enjoy the expiation, and repeat as needed.
- You can void your sin by avoiding sin-recognizing belief systems, or by joining or creating a belief system that doesn't deal with sin — see START Your Own Religion For Phun & Prophet! and KNOWLEDGE VS. BELIEF: Is Dat A System, Or Wot?!? for help.
"...the eternal power of pride, envy, gluttony, lust, anger, greed, and sloth."
- (from Encyclopedia Britannica) "Sin: in Mesopotamian religion, the god of the moon. Sin was the father of the sun god, Shamash (Sumerian: Utu), and, in some myths, of Ishtar (Sumerian: Inanna), goddess of Venus, and with them formed an astral triad of deities." (See more here). There are many implications for having Sin (the moon) be the father of Utu (the sun) but we won't go into that here -- see what Zachariah Sitchin has to say about it. Or whatever. But I digress...
- You can minimize Sin by avoiding worshipping, looking at, or acknowledging the Moon, sky, Sun, Venus, and everything else out-of-doors. Cultivate Agoraphobia for protection.
- You can maximize Sin by doing just the opposite. Also, you can invoke Sin (the moon) by mooning all people whom you may encounter. And cultivate Claustrophobia for conservation. Etc.
- You can optiimize Sin by mooning only half of those you encounter, and encouraging them to do the same.
"...goodiness is woodiness and sinning is winning..."
- Besides managing your own sin, you can derive much pleasure from accounting for, commenting upon and otherwise diddling with the sin of other folks. You may wish to keep separate categories for the sin of humans, subhumans, superhumans; deities, subdeities, superdeities; aliens, artifacts, artificers, artists; and your Invisible Friend(s) in any realm(s). All such sin-management requires the keeping of careful records, scoring the quality and quantity of sins performed by and to whom and/or what. You can't tell winners from losers without tallying the points.
"Anni's beauty is only sin-deep."
—C. Isherwood
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