How To Master MATERIALIZATION AND DEMATERIALIZATION Without Even Hardly Breaking A Sweat

You're here, and then you're gone. Or you're here, and then you're there. Or you're there and then you're gone and then you're here. Poof. Just like that. You've dematerialized and rematerialized, and you never broke a sweat. Not that I can smell, anyway. How did you do that?

Well, if you knew how, you wouldn't have to read this piece, now would you? OK, here are some easy methods for accomplishing this stuff. Remember to do it in the proper order — DE-materialize first, then RE-materialize. CAUTION: don't try this at home, kids. At least not indoors.

DEMATERIALIZING
• Stand in the path of a powerful energy beam. Lacking that, stick your fingers into electrical sockets. Energize!
• Break up your bodily components with grinding or chopping machines, or with acid or caustic lye. Be thorough.
• You could also have yourself torn apart by cats, chickens, wolves, hyenas, ants, etc. But this may take longer.

DEMATERIALIZING
• Reverse any of the above processes.

ALTERNATE METHODS
• Contact aliens, superscientists, or other technologically-advanced entities and request that they beam you from place to place.
• Contact deities, demons, angels, or other spiritually-advanced meta-entities and request that they transport you thither and yon.
• Contact qualified paranormal researchers and request that they use psychokinetics to teleport you from place to place.
• Contact qualified psychic mechanics and request that they energize your inner powers so you can soul-transport yourself.

The Total Moron's Guide To LEVITATION

"She was a miller's daughter
  And lived beside the mill
"Yes, there were flies on the water
  But she was flier still!"
  —Paul Rubens, Three Little Maids

To levitate, you need only remain airborne for a period. (Airborne, if you're within an atmosphere; waterborne, if you're submerged; spaceborne, if you're off-planet; etc.) There are many possible paths to successful levitation. Float well, eh?

To levitate quickly, jump up. To levitate further, use a trampoline or pogo-stick or spring-shoes. To remain levitated longer, suspend yourself by a rope or cable wrapped around your neck, wrist, ankle, etc.

To levitate with science, swallow lots of steel and stand under a giant electromagnet. Or stand in a changed-particle beam until your photons are sufficiently energized. Or convince the aliens to give you an antigravity sled.

To levitate with ethnobotany, prepare Witch's Balm or other compounds containing solanaceous alkaloids, which send you up in the air. To levitate with psychobiology, consume enough LSD to hold you aloft when you jump out a window. To otherwise levitate chemically, consume large quantities of helium.

To levitate without external aids, grow wings. Or study and master Yoga and/or other disciplines that give you total control of yourself and your local environment. Or negotiate with infernal entities who'll grant you the power of levitation in exchange for your soul or some other trifle. That's all there is to it!

METAPHYSICAL MEDITATION For Total Focking Morons

"Our dreams are tales | Told in dim Eden | By Eve's nightingales." —Walter de la Mare
Your mind is burbling, whirling, ratcheting, noisy. Reality has you by the focking throat. Your body and/or brain hurt like that old cowboy saying: I feel like I been et by a kyote and shit off a cliff. Everything is a blur. So NOW would be a very good time to meditate. So do what Paramahansa Yogananda instructs:

To Begin a Meditation: Lock the eyelid-doors and shut out the wild dance of tempting senses. Drop your mind into the bottomless well of your heart. Hold the mind on your heart that is bubbling with life-giving blood. Keep your attention tied to the heart, until you feel its rhythmic beat. With every heartbeat feel the pulse of almighty Life. Picture the same all-pervading Life knocking at the heart-door of millions of human beings and of billions of other creatures. The heart-throb constantly, meekly announces the presence of Infinite Power behind the doors of your awareness. The gentle beat of all-pervading Life says to you silently, "Do not receive only a little flow of My life, but expand the opening of thy feeling-powers. Let Me flood thy blood, body, mind, feelings, and soul with My throbs of universal life."

What, you say that won't work for you because you're a Cyborg with no heart, no blood, no eyelids, just servomechanisms and synthetic lubricants? Well, BUMMER, dewd! I guess you'll have to meditate by jiggering your electrodes or something. Try shutting down your power supply.

For everybody else, the next step is to get loose, unhitch your emotional inhibitions, expand across your mental boundaries, get your passport stamped by the spiritual border guards after their bomb-sniffing dogs have inhaled your flatulence, and BOOGIE. Good old Paramahansa Yogananda sez:

To Awaken Mental Freedom: Sit still with a straight spine. Cover up your fidgety eyeballs with the sheets of your eyelids. Hold them still. Then loosen your mind from the consciousness of body-weight. Relax the nerve-strings that are attached to the heavy muscles and bones of your body. Forget the consciousness of carrying a heavy bundle of bones tied in the thick cloth of flesh. Rest. Free your mind from the consciousness of a beast of burden. Do not think of your body-load, but feel your soul untied from the constant material quality of heaviness. Mentally race in your fancy's airplane above, beneath, left, right, in infinity, or wherever you want to go. Feel and meditate on this, your mental freedom from your body. Dream, dwell, and feel this body-aboveness when sitting still; the consciousness of freedom will constantly increase.

Hey, this could get scarey! Your mind could just float away, your soul could be caught in a cosmic wind and devoured by the rat-demons of Zeta Centauri. Maybe you'd better just visualize a quiet place: a meadow, a tree, a pond, a gentle stream, a rat-demon creeping out from behind a rock... whoops. You don't want to go THERE. So, back to the tree. Think about the tree. Your mind IS the tree, ever-branching, leaves whispering in the breeze, all that shit. You're quiet. You utter the soothing mantra: OM - OM - RANGE

Now you're there. Now you're ready to start directing your meditation. Visualize yourself as you want to be: thinner, taller, better-dressed, less flatulent, richer. But maybe visualization alone isn' achieving results. So now you can start to pray. Here are some possible metaphysical prayers:

• Oh Spirit(s) of the Universe, guide me, for I know not what the fock I am doing.
• Oh Spirit(s) of the Universe, teach me, for I have dropped out of night school.
• Oh Spirit(s) of the Universe, give me peace, for I am an habitual violent felon.
• Oh Spirit(s) of the Universe, enrich me, for I have blown my wad in Las Vegas.
• Oh Spirit(s) of the Universe, reduce me, for I have stuffed my gut with McFood.
• Oh Spirit(s) of the Universe, quiet me, for I fart like a supercharged saxaphone.
• Oh Spirit(s) of the Universe, purify me, for I have bathed in hot toxic wastes.

You get the idea. Ask your invisible friend(s) for help because you're such a weasley wimp and focking moron that you have no idea how to structure your own life in a positive way. As long as you can admit your multitudinous shortcomings to yourself, and the your invisible friend(s), fine. Just don't hide anything. You CAN'T hide anything. Don't even try.

TIME TRAVEL: A User's Guide

Congratulations on your purchase of a DIMENSION EDGE 2000 Time Machine! (DE2kTM) With the DE2kTM, you can traverse all dimensions of the space-time realm with minimal expenditures of resources, and gain the maximum of pleasure and functionality possible.

Before using the DE2kTM for the first time, familiarize yourself with all the controls and features. See the attached card for diagrams of the layout. And pay special heed to the following precautions:

•  Attempts to exceed the boundaries of space-time may void your warranty. Stay away from the edges; DIMENSION EDGE is not liable if you fall off.
•  Attempts to introduce paradoxes (such as killing your own grandfather) may void your existence, or result in your inadvertent and irretrievable transportation to a parallel space-time track. DIMENSION EDGE is not liable for such events.
•  Attempts to journey to the beginning of space-time (the 'BIG BANG') may result in disruption of our universe, and are prevented by protective mechanisms within the DE2kTM. Attempts to override these protections will quite definitely void your warranty.
•  Attempts to journey into or through stellar masses, black holes, wormholes, superstrings, galactic cores, and other exceedingly massive / energetic / anomalous objects or regions may void your warranty. The DE2kTM is not engineered for extreme conditions and DIMENSION EDGE is not liable should you venture there.
•  Attempts to use the DE2kTM for illegal or immoral or unethical (or even shady or ambiguous) purposes may have no effect on your warranty, but DIMENSION EDGE is not liable for any results of your behaviour.

But don't let those limitations and warnings put you off — in most conditions, the DE2kTM will give you almost endless opportunities for fun. Here are a few suggestions for journeys you can take:

•  In 'invisible' mode, see and hear what you and your friends and loved ones and competitors and enemies have been doing in the very recent or more distant past. Learn how they have acted and done, with whom, for what purposes.
•  In 'invisible' mode, visit the space-time locales of important historical, artistic, religious, and otherwise significant events. See and hear what actually happened, who said and did what, how and why and to whom.
•  In 'visible' mode, visit primitive cultures and show yourself to the aborigines. They may worship you as a god, or fear your as a demon, who knows? Experience the adulation and/or terror of Neanderthals, Etruscans, Zoroastrians, Hippies, Canaanites, etc.
•  In 'protective' mode, visit newly-forming planetary systems. Watch planetoids collide, gas clouds condense, ring-systems form. In 'fast-forward' mode, watch life evolve. Or in 'fast-reverse' mode, watch the reverse-development of anything.
•  In 'fast-skip' mode, visit numerous star systems, scanning planets for life-bearing capabilities, and sew genetic materials upon them. Colonize the universe with your clones, your friends, your slaves, whatever.
•  In 'slow-skip' mode, visit a random sample of nudist colonies on human-occupied worlds. Observe the varieties of the human form.

These are just a few ideas — the possibilities are endless! Have fun.

The CHEMTRAILS Game Has Moved Here.

CONTENTS:

RESOURCES

THEMES