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How To <whatever> Without Breaking A Sweat
_{Vol.3: Progress} ^{by Ric Carter}

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. —WarMunkey

^In Brief: Mastering LAWSONOMY

"He is the most significant intellect of our time." —Syc O. Phant

Alfred Lawson developed a comprehensive system explaining everything; the system is worth your attention; you cannot understand everything otherwise. Lawsonomy is "the knowledge of life and everything pertaining thereto". Play at Lawsonomy, and you too can discover the Cause of Sex, the Cause of Evolution and the Cause of Capillary Action.

Look deeply, and you'll see that everything in Lawsonomy is really about Sex (or the lack thereof). Therefore the mastering the gameplay of Lawsonomy involves closely studying Sex (and/or its absence), and seeing Sex (and/or its absence) everywhere in the knowable Universe. Whew! These are the basic components of Lawsonomy:

OPERATIONS Suction Pressure Zig-Zag-And-Swirl Kissing Is Dirty Penetrability Equaeverpois Nourishment	OPERATIVES Everything Density Ether Lesether Excretions Menorgs Disorgs	MODES In Out Up Down Back Forth Spin
Put all these together and you'll understand everything. EVERYTHING. Otherwise you'll understand nothing. NOTHING. It's your choice. Just memorize the above table and all the possible combinations and interactions, then put that matrix of mastery into practice. Play Lawsonomy today or be doomed, fool. HINT: EVERYTHING is all about Sex (and/or its absence). NOTHING is the exact opposite of EVERYTHING. Got that? Good.

More Than Lawsonomy

Alfred Lawson wasn't the only advanced hominid to discover the Laws of Sex, nor the only one to formulate rules for ideal sexual behaviour. See the writings of WILHELM REICH on ORGONOMY or ORGONE ENERGY; or ALICE STOCKMAN's writings on KAREZZA. And KERISTA.

^In Brief: MIRACLES For Total Morons

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." —A.C. Clarke "And vice versa." —Anon.

What is a miracle? It's anything positive that you can't understand. If something GOOD happens that you think can't happen, or haven't expected, or haven't thought about, then it's a miracle. If something BAD doesn't happen that you think or fear must happen, it's a miracle. As a total moron, there is much that you don't understand or think about or expect, so you are surrounded by miracles!

If something GOOD happens to you and you alone, it's a miracle. And if something BAD happens to almost everybody else but not to you, it's a miracle. If 100 people are squashed flat in a disaster and you're the only one still alive, it's a miracle. If terrorists shoot dead everyone on your bus / train / plane / ferry but only leave you comatose, it's a miracle. MIRACLE! MIRACLE!

NOTE: If something unexpectedly BAD happens, it's not a negative miracle, it's just bad luck. Or divine negligence. Or demonic interference. Miracles are only GOOD, by definition.

Miracles depend very much on you as a person. For instance, you might be the sort of person for whom having oral sex, or ANY unpaid sex, is a MIRACLE. You may be the sort of person for whom having others not scream or run or vomit when they behold you is a MIRACLE. Count your miracles wherever you find them.

All the above are examples of incidental miracles - they happen during incidents of life. The other type of miracle is instrumental, where somebody divine or channeling divine power MAKES the miracle happen. There's not much that you, a total moron, can do to control those incidents, since they sometimes appear to be nothing more than random chance. But by applying yourself devotedly to MAKING MIRACLES HAPPEN, you can MAKE MIRACLES HAPPEN!

How To MAKE MIRACLES HAPPEN

Tell yourself that the next thing to occur will be a miracle. When it happens, reward yourself with a cookie.
Visualize miracles filling your life. Whenever any occur, reward yourself with a candy bar. Or jelly beans.
Convince someone to willingly have sex with you. If you don't have to give them money, it's totally miraculous.
Channel divine energy and alter physical reality. Be careful about channeling demonic energy by mistake.
Or: Master the Force, become one with the Force, use the Force. Be careful about succumbing to The Dark Side.
Call on your deity(s), angel(s), alien master(s), whatever, to do something totally awesome on your behalf.
Model the geometry of the Universe within your mind, and alter that geometry. Be careful about singularities.

Practice the above every day, and pretty soon you'll be very proficient at performing miracles whenever you wish. Just be careful about overdoing it — depending on the nature of the miracles, you could a) exhaust the power, b) deform the universe, c) annoy the deity(s) / demon(s) / angel(s) / alien(s) that are effecting the miracles, or d) run out of good ideas. All things in moderation, eh? Have fun!

How To Become A SEXGOD Or SEXGODDESS Without Hardly Even Breaking A Sweat

Men are the only animals who devote themselves assiduously to making one another unhappy. It, I suppose, one of their godlike qualities. Jahweh, as the Old Testament shows, spends a large part of His time trying to ruin the business and comfort of all other gods. —H.L. Mencken

So you're tired of just being a plain old everyday SEX OBJECT (or less) and you want to move up to SEXUAL DIVINITY status. It's not hard, in fact it can be easy and fun and rewarding, but you have to honestly take stock of where you are, where you've been, and where you think you're going.

Let's say that you're an ordinary SCHLUB (male or female or whatever) without partners or prospects or even many friends. You can change that, upgrade yourself to SEX OBJECT, merely by taking a few easy steps:

Work Out: Get your pathetic body into tip-top shape. This requires dietary discipline, so quit consuming all that useless crap. And you may need to hire a trainer, dermatologist and/or plastic surgeon - expensive, but worth it!
Dress Up: Get a flattering wardrobe, skimpy enough to display your new buff bod. You may need to make certain adjustments depending on the local climate - for instance, don't wear a mesh top if you live in Nome, Alaska.
Show Off: Display yourself, make yourself available. Practice provacative facial expressions in a mirror. Hang around places frequented by your target audience, and socialize a lot. Adopt a "come-and-get-me" psychology.

So now you're an object of desire and lust - that's good! You're ready for the next step, which mainly involves absorbing a totally different attitude. Think OUTWARD, not INWARD. Think of GIVING, not of TAKING. Think of THEM, not of YOU. Sex objects only stimulate orgasms indirectly - sex deities GIVE orgasms directly, hands-on. To get this new attitude you need to free up your mind and spirit. Here are some of the attributes you'll want to attain:

GENEROSITY: Remember, as a sexual deity your task is to get your partner(s) off first, and repeatedly. Do it right, and they'll do anything for you! Maybe.

The key here is to be SEXUALLY generous. Being generous with material goods just diminishes your divinity, obviates your miracles, makes you pathetic.

FLEXIBILITY: Both intellectual (do anything with anybody) and physical (in any possible position). You may get twisted a bit, but that's part of the gig.

The key here is to do anything with anyone - any time, any place, any how. Transcend all your stale old limitations and inhibitions. Roll with it!

IMAGINATION: Think up new moves & sounds & positions & locales & time-sequences & paraphenalia. It's OK to use cheat-sheets but don't get caught.

The key here is to BE or at least SEEM original in all ways. You can only get away with using stale old moves on fresh new audiences.

REJUVENATION: Think young, act young, look young, be young. Even if you're mature, be young at least somewhere. Never let yourself think, "Argh."

The key here is to reset your internal clock daily. Don't think or act old. If you can't be young, be timeless. Shaving parts of your body may help.

The film industry goes to great lengths to create and perpetuate sex deities. Study popular films carefully and model your life on the depictions of near-immortal sexual deities. Observe and imitate their lifestyles. Pay particular attention to those who don't get nasty write-ups (with disgusting pictures) in tabloid journals. These are your role models. Be like them and your sexual deityhood is assured.

So now you've gone from SCHLUB to SEX OBJECT to SEX DEITY. There is still a further step. Do you know what it is?