Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. —WarMunkey
How To Master HOMEOPATHY Without Breaking A Sweat
"If it wasn't for homopaths I wouldn't have no paths at all." —Anon.
The principles of homeopathy are simple and easy to master. (Be sure to read Hahnemann's ORGANON (1810), the original text.) Study them carefully and apply them forcefully, and you too can have a rewarding career in this lucrative, spiritually-advanced profession.
- The basis of homeopathy is the massive dilution of curative agents. The more diluted a substance is, the more powerful it is. The drug is most powerful when absolutely none remains in the preparation.
- You may use time-honored curative agents; or you may develop your own by the careful scientific process of proving a drug, as follows:
§ Find a natural substance that produces a symptom
§ Apply a tiny amount; note reduction of the symptom
§ Apply diminishing amounts until symptom disappears
Some may argue that the symptom vanishes precisely because there is none of the substance left to produce that symptom, but pay them no heed. You know that a cure has been effected, because you have employed science.
- The dilution of a substance is indicated by the sign x; a millionth dilution (1 million parts of water to 1 part of drug) is called 1x, a millionth-of-a-millionth is 2x, a millionth-of-a-millionth-of-a-millionth is 3x, etc. Preferred dilutions are 10x, 20x, and especially 30x. As has been noted, the greater the dilution, the stronger the drug. A preparation that contains not one molecule of the original substance is the most potent of all — be very careful about applying this, which some may mistake for pure water.
- Any specific symptom may be cured by a specific substance. Since creek- or river- water has been exposed to every possible substance, and contains a small dilution of every substance, a general drug that will cure every possible symptom may be obtained by dipping up running water and diluting it with distilled water. Attractively bottled and labeled, and marketed aggressively, such products can be hugely profitable.
- Since the homeopath is essentially selling placebos, s/he must master the manner that enhances the placebo effect. Be calm, attentive, authoritative, glib, outgoing, dignified, personable. Your personality is everything. It's the patients' confidence in you that drives their cures. If you can't con'em, you're lost, and so are they.
HYDROTHERAPY is quite simply the purest form of Naturopathic practice, short of focusing psychic and spiritual and divine energies at a subject. What can be more natural and clean and healthful than pure water? Water, the Universal Solvent, washes away all impurities and bad vibes and nutrition and dead cells. Water, the Milk of Life, provides all we need to survive, especially if we like to have sex with dolphins.
HYDROTHERAPY may be applied internally or externally, directly or virtually, at virtually any temperature or pressure, to one's self or to others. Discretion is rarely needed — water is inherently safe for use under almost any conditions. But since fish sometimes excrete into water, it is best to only use filtered water for therapeutic purposes. FILTERED, not DISTILLED! Distilled water has had its life essence boiled away and is suitable only for automotive radiators and steam irons, not for human bodies. Here are some guidelines for therapeutic water:
INTERNAL:
- Insert a hose of suitable size into an orifice (such as the anus) of the subject.
- Turn on the water. (The best method is called HHH: High, Hot and Hard)
- Stand back.
EXTERNAL:
- Fill a container of suitable size with therapeutic water.
- Immerse the subject. (Partially or totally, depending on need.)
OPTIONS: a) Baptismal words may be spoken. b) Water may be agitated.
- Remove subject from water when complete.
VIRTUAL:
- Visualize water; visualize the subject.
- Visualize the subject in conjunction with the water.
- Repeat until the cure is visualized.
RADICAL New Technologies!
- MetaHydroTherapy: Apply water that has been chromaticized, harmonized, diluted, concentrated, exorcised, extirpated, or otherwise naturally potentiated
- MetaHydroDiagnosis: Analyze the water in which the subject has been treated for characteristic residues, vibrations, disharmonies, other significant traces
- UltraHydroTherapy: Apply immense volumes of water with great pressure
- InfraHydroTherapy: Apply minute volumes of water with minute pressure
"Your eyes like agate lanterns - on and on" —Hart Crane
A great deal of diagnostic information on a patient may be gained by a careful analytical inspection of the irises of their eyes, a discipline known as IRIDIOLOGY or IRISDIAGNOSIS. Detailed graphs of human ailments have been devised over the past centuries. Follow them closely.
WHAT TO DO:
- Seat yourself and your subject comfortably.
- For each eye of a subject, do the following:
- Peer closely into the eye.
- Examine each radial line / zone in the iris for:
- shape (thickness, wiggliness, outlines)
- continuity (solid, dotted, dashed, grooved)
- color (hue, saturation, contrast, brightness)
- ineffability (soulfulness, dignity, pride)
- Comparing the lines to the descriptions and pictures on the attached card, determine the probable conditions of the associated organs, and the forces and factors producing those conditions. Be quite specific.
- Proclaim your findings.
- Collect appropriate fees.
- Call in the next subject
- Goto step I.
But iriswork doesn't stop with diagnosis. The next step is treatment, known as IRIDIOTHERAPY. Great strides are being made in developing and perfecting these healing technologies, which consist of beaming amounts of energy into the irises of the patient's eyes. The related therapeutical fields of CORNEOTHERAPY and RETINOTHERAPY involve directing the appropriate energies into the corneas and retinas, respectively.
WHAT MORE TO DO:
- Consult the attached card for ailments and treatments.
- Select the appropriate energy source:
- Electromagnetic: incoherent light, coherent light (LASER), infrared light, ultraviolet light, XRay, XRay laser, micromagnetics, particle beam, etc.
- Acoustic: ultrasonic, transonic, infrasonic, pulsed, quantum modulo, etc. (see The Joy Of SONOTHERAPY for more on acoustic treatments)
- Gravitronic: Euclidian, Einsteinian, Hawksensian, Penrosian, etc.
- Psychotronic: internal, external, hybrid, synthetic, abstract, etc.
- Select the appropriate aperture, frequency, modulation, duration, and power settings.
- Select the appropriate targets in each iris, cornea, retina, etc.
- Energize the beam until treatment is complete.
- Discharge the patient.
"A man without a religion is like a fish without a bicycle." —anon.
Humans are apparently hard-wired for god. Birds build nests. Bees build hives. Humans build religions. It's what we do. But the sensation and expression of religion can get out of hand, and such pathological religiosity often seems associated with specific brain disorders, including temporal lobe epilepsy and certain head traumas. Dostoyevski felt "touched by God" just before having seizures. Mary Baker Eddy suffered a head injury and became a prophet. (Note: sometimes such trauma REVERSES religiosity — I fell on my head and became an atheist.)
It is difficult to overcome our genetic propensity for faith. Possibly (in the Bright World Of The Future) some advanced genetic modification techniques can help us evolve beyond religion, but that's a long-term program of cure. Some more immediate treatments are available now:
- Swirl a heated rod around inside the patient's temporal lobe.
- Provide the subject with rewards for feeling atheistic.
- Inject nanorobots to repair damaged neuronal links.
- Take two Thorazines today and call me in a month.
- Strike subject's head until spirituality dissipates.
- Employ a reputable faith-healer to invoke a divine cure.
- Induce narcolepsy to keep the subject quiet and comfortable.
- Repeated applications of electro-convulsive therapy may help.
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In Brief: PHRENOLOGY For The Absolute Total Moron, et al.
The renowned Austrian scientist Prof. Francis Joseph Gall employed his anatomical expertise to develop the insightful science of
Phrenology or
Craniology
around CE 1800. The great naturalist Dr. Alfred Russel Wallace, who discovered Evolution simultaneously with Sir Charles Darwin, was a strong proponent of the science of
Phrenology, as were the great writers Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and Walt Whitman.
You can join this illustrious company and determine the development of the mental, cognitive and perceptual faculties of yourself and others by performing simple
phrenological examinations.
WHAT TO DO:
- Seat yourself and your subject comfortably. If you are your own subject, this is doubly important; discomfort may produce erroneous results, and you don't want to bear false witness to yourself, now do you? (See How To Win Big At The Self-Delusion Game for more info.)
- Note the external appearance of the subject's head, being especially careful to observe any cracks, holes, large growths, or other structural disfigurements. If you are your own subject, wrap-around mirrors may be employed to aid your observation.
- Carefully palpate (feel with your fingers) the entire surface of the subject's skull, noting carefully the location and prominence of any bumps, depressions, apertures, embedded objects, etc. If you lack hands or fingers, you may use your toes, tongue, or other sensitive organ for palpation.
Note: You should confine your palpations to the subject's head. Do not stray to neck, torso, groin, appendages, or any other portion of the subject's anatomy — doing so may result in charges of sexual harassment. This is especially important if you are your own subject.
- Comparing the features of the subject's skull to the descriptions and pictures on the attached card, determine the probable development of the associated faculties.
- Proclaim your findings. Collect appropriate fees. Call in the next subject. Goto #1.
Note: You should probably avoid any comments regarding the relationships of Phrenology and Physiognomy to race. Doing so may reduce your credibility, if possible. Bother...
If you feel your training, perception, sensitivity or muscular coordination are inadequate for manual phrenological examinations, you may wish to purchase and use one or more
phrenology machines, such as the Psychograph. Recent advances in phrenology technology have resulted in marvelous devices that can measure cranial features with digital accuracy. These machines are rather expensive, of course; adjust your fees accordingly.
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