Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. —WarMunkey
If FAITH-HEALING
Is A Game, Here Are The Rules
So you're just hanging, doing your thang, when someone comes up to you and they feel bad, they feel sick, they want to be cured? Who ya gonna call? SICKBUSTERS! Ok, ok, there's more to it than that. They don't want drugs, they don't want surgery or science or expertise or anything like that, they just want a divine magickal cure. So now it's time for FAITH-HEALING to do its thang. Here's how you help them:
START
- Select a faith.
- Identify health problem(s).
- Perform prayers and/or other rituals.
- If they don't work, death ensues. Goto #1.
Otherwise, life continues. Goto #2
END
That seems simple enough. Maybe a little TOO simple, eh? I mean, if faith-healing was simple and easy, anyone and everyone could do it, and there wouldn't be any way for faith-healers to make a living. So let's expand that point #1 a little bit. It goes like this:
Select a faith:
- Adopt a faith, one that does faith-healing. There's Mary Baker Eddy's CHRISTIAN SCIENCE, and Rabbi Morris Lichtenstein's JEWISH SCIENCE, and Christian HEALING MINISTRIES (especially the Protestant EVANGELICALS and Catholic CHARISMATICS, just for starters. These guys are all really big on the healing power of prayer. But watch out for those whose founders died young, like Rabbi Lichtenstein, dead at 48, oy, such a loss. OR:
- Adopt a ritual. Well, as language is used, 'ritual' here means 'rites of practice', which is also the primary definition of 'cult', which (leaving out the hero-worship aspect) just deals with how worshipful activities are performed. And since we're worshipping the human body and specific ways of treating it, 'cult' is the appropriate word. So join a cult. Some cultic health rituals, er techniques are listed below, under the expansion of point #3. But all this usually involves something other than just pleading with divine entities, they actually try to do something material. No good. Try again. OR:
- Invent a faith. Yeah, work up your own prayers and rituals for healing, cleansing, fixing, all that good stuff. Folks have been doing this for quite a while. You can invoke divine / paranormal / alien powers when you practice PSYCHIC HEALING and PSYCHIC SURGERY and PSYCHIC CHEMOTHERAPY and PSYCHIC LOBOTOMY and PSYCHIC GYNECOLOGY and other types of PSYCHIC DOCTORING. Whatever happens, credit your invisible friend(s). OR:
- Do whatever the voices in your head tell you to do. This is an old favorite.
And since we're expanding points to make points, let's expand point #3 (above) and mention a bunch of popular rituals. This is by no means an exhaustive list — new 'technologies' are being developed all the time.
Select a ritual:
Once you have faith, everything else is trivial. Let your faith keep you strong. Let your faith-healing keep others filled with health, your heart filled with joy, your pocket filled with wealth, your escape vehicle filled with fuel. Selah!
In Brief: How To Master NATUROPATHY Without Breaking A Sweat
" The people are all insane, the other animals are all insane, the earth is insane, Nature itself is insane. Man is a marvelous curiosity. " —Mark Twain
Nature is good. People are bad, when civilized. When people feel bad, it is because they have offended nature. The only sure way to treat people's ailments is naturally. Naturopathic methods are the natural ways to return people to nature. Study the following disciplines to learn how.
Many natural diagnoses and therapies and treatments have been developed, including HOMEOPATHY and HYDROTHERAPY and IRIDIOLOGY and PHRENOLOGY and PHYSCULTOPATHY, and other rituals and techniques that I've referred to. But the serious Naturopath is always searching for more methods, more ways to ease people's sufferings and neurotic relationships with civilized reality. Here are some further paths to explore — but remember to stay relaxed, loose, unsweating... Master these, and you can cure anything!
- Natural Injections Many natural fluids can be administered into the veins of patients to enable their natural systems to regenerate and reorganize. Some promising therapies include:
• ApiTherapy: Bee venom is quite good for regenerating skin and muscles.
• Glyoxilide: This natural compound appears to cure many forms of cancer.
• Krebiozen: 'K' has also shown great promise as a treatment for cancer.
• VirgoUroTherapy: Virgin's urine is especially efficacious in easing genitourinary pains and disorders.
• CanoHemoTherapy: Shots of dog's blood can increase one's animal nature. Shots of female dog's blood can reduce bitchiness. Shots of male dog's blood can increase urination.
- Motion Therapies Osteopathy and its derived disciplines Chiropractic, Naprapathy, and all the various schools of Massage, require a bodywork practitioner to move portions of the patient to relieve pain. But many other
forms of motion, as performed entirely by the patient her/himself, are just as therapeutic. Such forms of Kinetotherapy may be performed at any speed from glacial to frenetic, over any range of distance. They include:
• Dance; Yoga; Hopping, Chopping, Skipping, Flipping; Spinning; Crawling (High, Low, Back, Side); Torso-Twisting; Head-Rolling; Metatarsal-Waving; Ear & Eye Exercises (including Rapid Eye Technology and Batesian work); Tongue-Lashing; Sexual Isometrics; Drumming; Running (from killer bees); etc.
- Oral-Nasal Work Besides the familiar Aromatherapy and Cellulotherapy (fasting) techniques, and various forms of breathwork, the nose and mouth (and connected respiratory and digestive and cognitive systems) may be treated with:
• MasticoTherapy exercises the jaws, teeth, and all associated muscles, and well as the underlying nerves, brain, arteries, etc.
• CunniLingus and Fellatio are low-impact forms of MasticoTherapy that provide a great sense of well-being.
• AquaRespiration infuses the body with life-giving water through your largest and most efficient interface system, the lungs.
- And More Be sure to explore / exploit the practices of such Alternative Medicine techniques as: Thermotherapy (perspiration, etc.),
Aerotherapy (air baths), Aromatherapy (odor healing), Vitaminotherapy (including Macrobiotics and other dietetics), Clearing (dianetics etc.),
Pneumotherapy (respiration),
Psychotherapy (natural),
Ear Candling (cathartic), etc.
And don't forget the many forms of Energy Healing such as:
Electromagnetotherapy (natural tension),
Mesmerism (animal magnetism),
Geotherapy (earth radiations),
Heliotherapy (external solar radiations),
Cosmotherapy (cosmic radiations),
Electrotherapy (small currents),
Electroshock (large currents),
Oscilloclasty (directed radionics),
Drown Radio Therapy (remote radionics),
Orgone Energy, etc. The more, the merrier, eh?
Remember: Nature is everything, and people are nothing, except as paying clients. Death is natural. Hemlock is organic. Gravity is organic. Falling off a cliff is natural. All the pain you relieve in life will be forgotten after death. Turn off your computer now.
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