Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. —WarMunkey
In Brief: CLONES And CLONING For Total Morons, Present Company Excepted
"There is a divinity in odd numbers, either in nativity, chance or death." —William Shakespeare
Cloning is very natural. All identical twins are natural clones. Since they started off as a single zygote with a single soul, and they split into two identical (cloned) zygotes, they each grow up with half a soul. But that's not important.
Many plants and animals are natural clones. Humans are animals. Humans have as much right to be cloned as any sheep, aphid or strawberry. Do not give other animals and plants more rights than people have.
Controlled cloning is very difficult. Genes from one person have to be sucked out of their cells, then the genes in a zygote have to be sucked out and replaced with the genes from the person you want to clone. This takes a great deal of time and money. Therefore only patient, wealthy people should be cloned.
As the technology develops, more cheap neurotics can be cloned, until eventually everybody can be cloned whenever they want. Cloning will eventually become ubiquitous, even mandatory. All humans will have a duty to be cloned. Why?
Widespread cloning will be necessary to keep human population at adequate levels. As humans leave Earth and conquer the universe, we will need vast quantities of clones to populate all the planets, moons, rogue stars and space facilities that we are to control. Vat-bred speed-grown clones will be indispensable for human domination of observable reality.
Cloning is a replacement for sexual reproduction, but not a replacement for sex. The future of sex is to have sex with clones. Everyone wants to have sex with their clones, with other people and their clones, and with themselves. You can have sex with whoever and whatever you want, as long as you only reproduce by cloning. That way you won't pass on any new, untested genetic traits.
Keep in mind that CLONES are not identical, only their GENES are identical. Clone have different experiences, different thoughts, different motivations. The clone you fock isn't the same as the original, especially if it's you. Of course, when we work out ways to extract and store and transfer consciousness, this will change.
Cloning isn't the end-all and be-all. See the next section on GENETIC MANIPULATION.
"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." —Arthur C. Clarke "And vice-versa." —anon.
Magic utilizes mystic powers to manipulate the environment and its contents. Genetic manipulation is just the same, except that we know what we're tampering with, and how. Don't we? Tweak a gene here, splice a gene there, un-ravel and re-ravel and meta-ravel the DNA strands, while applying potent potions and muttering arcane spells, and POOF! New and improved life!
With genetic manipulation, you can:
- Insert protein-producing genes into grain crops, vegetables, etc.
- Insert medicine-producing genes into fruits, goats, mosquitoes, etc.
- Insert steel- or Kevlar-producing genes into spiders, silkworms, etc.
- Manipulate human genes to produce higher intelligence and/or physical strength and/or disease resistance and/or longevity and/or slavish servility, etc.
- Splice eucalyptus genes and canine genes to get a dog that repels fleas.
As with any magic or technology, you need the right tools. Be very particular in your purchase of magic wands, cauldrons, herbs, crystals, lasers, test-tubes, etc. Never buy those cheap Chinese knock-offs (which are all made in prisons by slave laborers who may or may not be tortured for sneezing on sterile instruments). Stick with the Swiss stuff.
And be very careful with your working procedures and ethical attitudes. Always apply the proper cleansing spells. Don't allow experimental bacteria to escape from your lab, or all life on Earth may be transformed into puddles of protoplasmic goo, or worse. Dispose of toxic chemicals and radioactives properly. Don't make funny lifeforms that will only be laughed at, it's not nice. Only tamper with the genes of volunteers or mutes. And don't genetically modify your ex-partner's new lover, unless they really deserve it.
With the proper training, facilities, spiritual guidance and damned good luck, you can modify many genes and be a productive member of society, even if you are flatulent and a booger-picker. Genetic modification opens the world to you! Don't fock it up, eh?
How To Master PSYCHIATRY Without Breaking A Sweat
"Psychiatrist: Someone who'll listen to you as long as you don't make sense." —Maxwell Hyman
Psychiatrists or Alienists, commonly known as Headshrinkers or 'Pshrinks', play a valuable role in modern society, akin to witch-doctors in traditional religions who cast out the evil spirits and malignant spells that envelop honest, hard-working people. They may originally pursue this field in order to relieve their own problems, but so what? It's cleaner than proctology.
YOU TOO can get into this lucrative and highly-respected field, where you can counsel the troubled, listen to wealthy neurotics, sedate raving psychotics, pontificate before live and remote audiences and juries, experiment with psychoactive drugs, and occasionally prescribe electroshock therapy — and all this, while owning expensive possessions and dressing nicely. Here's how:
- Attend a medical school and receive an MD certificate. The location and quality of the school are irrelevant; you might consider obtaining your training on a Caribbean island.
- Say aloud, "I want to be a Psychiatrist!" and enroll in a program for further training.
NOTE: This process entails being psychoanalyzed yourself, so you can practice being a patient and experience the standard treatments employed by other professionals. But don't let them put brain-devouring bugs into your ears, eh?
- Obtain certification from any of the agencies or boards in any country that certify Psychiatrists. You needn't actually reside in the country where you are certified, and you needn't be certified in the country where you reside, as long as you just call yourself a 'therapist'. But check for applicable local ordinances.
- Having selected a compliant jurisdiction, open your office / clinic / studio.
NOTE: You'll need a supply of framed certificates to fill one wall, a large bookcase filled with leather-bound volumes to occupy another wall, shelving for your collection of 'primitive' erotic sculptures, suitable lamps and carpets and wall-hangings and recording devices, and one or more couches / sofabeds / futons. These items can all be obtained from the Psychiatric Psupply Pservice for a modest fee; short- and long-term leases are available.
- Market yourself, so that you may obtain a supply of
victims patients. Some methods of getting your name out before the public and arousing a clamour for your services include:
- Active participation in local radio/TV talk shows.
- Active participation in support-group activities.
- Active participation in anti-whatever demonstrations.
- Free workshops in group therapy, sex therapy, séances, etc.
- Hiring professional public-relations and advertising firms.
You should also produce books, articles, videos, therapeutic card decks, therapeutic finger- and eye-candy, packaged organic herbs, and other related products — all with your name and image (if bearable) boldly emblazoned on their surfaces. And create dynamic new therapies that are publicly associated with you. Fame is good.
- Help your patients. Don't abuse them too much. Don't act crazier than they do. Never turn your back on them. Always make them feel that they're being helped, but not too much. Apply the proper drugs to optimize their moods. Insist upon prompt payment. Hypnotize them so they refer their friends to you.
- Always have an escape planned: destination, tickets, clothes, identity, etc.
With proper application and diligence, and regular contributions to the proper public officials, YOU can have a successful career in the dynamic, fast-growing Psychiatry industry. Your material gains may even help you forget that deep down inside you're a faker, a loser, a worthless fraud. Live long, and prosper.
In Brief: If PSYCHIC SURGERY Is A Game, Here Are The Rules
"Brain Surgery" refers to chopping up brains. "Psychic Surgery" refers to chopping up psychics. Chop some up today. But there's no sport in that. So, learn to be a Psychic Surgeon and play the game of Psychic Surgery:
- Obtain a patient. (1 point)
- Listen to their problem. (1 point)
- Think about their problem. (1 point)
- Visualize their problem. (1 point)
- Visualize removing the problem. (1 point)
- Reach in and yank it out. (1 point)
- Wipe away the psychic debris. (1 point)
- Obtain payment. (10 points)
- Usher the patient out.
- Goto #1.
At the end of the day, the Psychic Surgeon with the most money wins — the points are irrelevant, but fun.
(taken from 'The Man With 12 Heads' from Fortean Times #106)
Kill your enemy. Cut off his (or in rare cases, her) head as close to the base of the neck. Flee. When you are at a safe distance from the enemies' village and near a river or stream, slit the head at the back from the base of the neck to the crown. Peel the skin from the skull and save it. Throw the skull and brains into the river as a sacrifice to the spirit of the anaconda. Turn the face inside out and remove all fatty tissue.
Tie a jungle fibre rope to the top of the head through an incision. Lower the head into a pot of hot water and chinchipi plant juice. Simmer for up to two hours, taking care not to leave in too long as then the hair will fall out. This extracts all the skin's natural oils and the head shrinks to about two-thirds of its previous size. After cooling, thread a length of flexible vine around the base of the severed neck to hold the opposing side apart and restore it to its original shape. Sew up the back of the neck and the eyelids with fibre and seal the lips with three bamboo pegs.
Insert one or two hot pebbles into the neck cavity and whirl the head around by the hair to keep the stones from burning the flesh. Repeat many times with freshly-heated stones and then with hot sand when the aperture becomes too small for stones. This takes about 20 hours, over 3 - 7 days, and is usually completed in the home village.
Throughout the shrinking process, the loose facial skin must not constantly moulded and kneaded with flat heated stones so that the features do not become distorted. Finally, singe off the fine facial hair and blacken the face with charcoal to ensure that the spirit of the slain enemy cannot see its way out to torment the living or the deceased ancestors. Hang the shrunkened head in the smoke of a fire to dry and cure. After hardening is complete, wash the head and rub it to make it shine.
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