Medical Guides (5) For Complete MORONS

by Ric Carter
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. —WarMunkey

BREATHATARIANISM For Total Morons

This section is under development. Stay tuned.

ToC


Applying GENERAL SEMANTICS As A CURE FOR AIDS And Everything Else

"Science in the modern world has many uses; its chief use, however, is to provide long words to cover the errors of the rich. The word 'kleptomania' is a vulgar example of what I mean". —G.K. Chesterton

Physical ailments, as well as political-economic-religious-artistic-whatever ailments, are all caused by improper interpretation of semantic events. Every event is a semantic event. Every cure is a semantic cure.

The cure for AIDS, cancer, insanity, flatulence, consumerism, rickets, impotence and malaria, is embodied within the practice and technique of neuro-semantic relaxation. Very simply, this "technique involves gripping various muscles of one's own body and shaking them in prescribed ways". Various palpations of various tissues produce various cures. Try it and see.

    RELAXING NEURO-SEMANTICALLY (general outline)
  1. Diagnose your ailment.
  2. Select a tissue.
  3. Palpate appropriately until cured.
  4. Goto #1

For maximum effect, participate in neuro-semantic relaxation as a small- to large-group activity. For local community-health problems, small groups of people all palpating each others' tissues can provide almost immediate relief. For global social-health ailments, large group practicing mutual massage can work miracles. The potential application of shared neuro-semantic relaxation across nations, planets, galaxies, almost boggles the mind! Do it today.

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How To Tell If Your MENTAL-EMOTIONAL INSTABILITY Is Caused By Genetics, Environment, Drugs, Education, Radiation, Hypnosis, Evil Spirits, Alien Implants, Or Whatever


You're unstable. Aren't we all. You want to know why. Don't we all? You're too lazy / incompetent / psycho / busy / perplexed / stupid to figure out why, all on your own. Aren't we all?

So you've come here, and here's this decision tree (which, even though it isn't a keyed guide or decision table, could still be easily implemented as an expert system) that will diagnose the cause of your instability. And here it is:

  •  IF you find metalloid devices stuck into your body
     THEN you are being controlled by an implant.
  •  IF you suffer from unexplained burns and hair loss
     THEN you are being targeted with radiation.
  •  IF strange patterns swirl around before your eyes
     AND your body chemistry shows unexplained surges
     THEN you are being dosed with drugs / chemicals.
  •  IF strange patterns swirl around before your eyes
     AND your body chemistry is absolutely normal
     THEN you are being subjected to hypnosis.
  •  IF large patches of skin fall from your body
     THEN you live in a toxic industrial environment.
  •  IF all your relatives are just as unstable as you
     THEN you are suffering from severe genetic damage.
  •  IF inanimate objects around you jump up and snarl
     THEN you are being bedeviled with unfriendly spirits.
  •  IF you don't comprehend any portion of the above
     THEN you are a victim of the usual inadequate education.

If your symptoms don't meet any of the above criteria, then you are suffering from the default condition: utter normality. Bother..

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In Brief: The Total Moron's Guide To PHYSCULTOPATHY

The human body is the root of all ailments and all treatments. If you are ailing, it is because you have neglected your body. To attain and remain in perfect health, you must cultivate your body. Cultivate it carefully, assiduously, organically.

Let your body lie fallow for several seasons. When spring approaches, prepare for cultivation. Engage in the proper fertility rituals with your compatriots. Then, after using natural pesticides and herbicides, turn your body under. You are now ready for planting.

Spray your body lightly with pure water to open its pores. Plow shallow furrows into it. At the right phase of the moon, plant seeds in the furrows, with a globule of fish pulp at every seed. Now cover everything over. Irrigate regularly. Apply natural fertilizers and pesticide, and pick weeds by hand. Watch for blight and locusts and mutations and poachers.

At every phase of the moon and planets and stars, perform the mandated rituals. Stand naked under the full moon and howl, twirling around your neighbors and beasts of burden and any onlookers employing available-light photography. Pray. Loudly. Again. Again.

At harvest time, employ only enough helpers as can pick you clean before you become over-ripe. Now pile up the waste and burn it all off, great gobs of flame and smoke licking the sky. Now turn the ashes under, back into your body. Sprinkle with water again.

It's time then for the harvest festival. Offer a share of the harvest to the gods. Celebrate your fecundity, your fertility. Dance, sing, screw, feast, drink, until you drop.

Another season, another cycle. Let your body lie fallow again, and cultivate your neighbor's body, as above. Repeat constantly, endlessly, and your health will be perfected.

ToC


Moved:   TREPHINATION & CRANIAL TRAUMA For Total Morons

"The 'Third Eye' is a hole in your head." —Donna Kossy

Due to uncontrollable text bloat, and at the direction of all the little voices in my head, the moronic CRANIAL TRAUMA guidebook (including the BRAIN SURGERY game) has been moved to Trepan.Htm ← so click here to go there. Can you get that through your head? Excellent! Cya --Ric


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Ric Carter, ric@sonic.net, www.sonic.net/~ric, copyright © by OTRSS