The world is, like, SO lacking in wisdom today, like? I mean, all these dumb people do their dumb things, and they're, like, so PREDICTABLE. And they think they're so smart, and they do this dumb stuff, and then they NEVER LEARN not to do the same dumb stuff again. And I don't mean just the rat-ass politicians and preachers and pornographers and all like that -- I mean almost EVERYBODY. Like they're all playing a game, and they just don't know how to play.

I'll take care of that. I've been studying wisdom. I think I've got it down by now. Like everything else in life, wisdom is just a game, right? And games have rules, right? And if you don't know the rules, you can't do well at the game. So, here are the rules of THE GAME OF WISDOM. Take them in any order you want. Have fun.

1. Look wise. If you can't look wise, stay out of sight.
2. Act wise. If you can pull this off, you've won already.
3. Shut up. "It's better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt." That's from Ambrose Bierce or Oscar Wilde or somebody.
4. Learn. We only learn good judgement by making bad judgements. Whenever you really screw up, REMEMBER IT and DON'T DO IT AGAIN.
5. Take heed. Note which way the (metaphorical) wind is blowing, which way the crowd is running, and take care that you aren't blown away or trampled.
6. Be prudent. Don't spit on a cop or biker or midget. Don't piss into the wind. Don't smoke in gas-filled rooms. Never say, "Hey, watch this!" Never go to bed with someone with more problems than you. Don't try to race trains or trucks. If something seems like a bad idea, it probably is.
7. Be humble. You're never as smart as you think.

So there you have it. You don't have to be real smart to be wise, just careful. Follow these rules and, if you don't get a reputation for wisdom, at least you won't be thought an utter moron. Probably.

WISDOM-OPOLY: The Wisdom Game (rough design)

For a first cut at design, use a board based roughly on the Monopoly (tm) gameboard, but with PASS instead of GO, FOCKED instead of JAIL, philosophical schools instead of utilities and railroads, ethical problems instead of streets, RISK and OPPORTUNITY cards instead of CHANCE and COMMUNITY CHEST, brownie points instead of money, etc.

The action: Roll the dice and go somewhere. At every problem (street) landed on, players roll the dice to determine ethical outcomes and gain or lose brownie points. Landing on a school zone gives one point. RISK and OPPORTUNITY cards present positive or negative outcomes, ie YOU PISSED INTO THE WIND, LOSE 10 POINTS. The goal is to gain points to advance through the 33 degrees of wisdom. The higher the degree, the more points required, but not quite an exponential progression. Whoever attains 33rd Degree first, wins.

Doesn't sound so exciting, does it? OK smartass, YOU design something better, eh? Let's see what you can whip up in 15 minutes or so. Come on, we're waiting...

How to Master Your HIGHER AND LOWER NATURES Without Hardly Breaking A Sweat

All humans have a heirarchy of various natures: higher, middle, lower, maybe an untra-high and infra-low and some fractional natures too, depending on the severity of one's multiple personality disorder (MPD). All of these natures are The Real You but some are harder to get a grip on than others. Some may not even be worth the effort -- I mean, what good will it do you to be in firm control of your trilobite nature?

But besides your middle nature, which is the persona you normally schlep around in, you really should try to come to terms with your higher and lower natures, the good and evil twins you carry around within you. If you don't, they could do you some mischief. Like, your higher nature may be generous, and give away all your sex toys. Or your lower nature may say "Fock this!" when it feels insulted, and try to take a tire iron to someone's head. Both such impulses should be repressed. In order to do this, you must TAKE CONTROL of your various selves.

Many theorists and therapists and thespians and threnodists have devised programs for this sort of internal mastery, but none are succinct or scientific enough for my exhalted taste. Therefore I offer to you the following NO-SWEAT ROUTE TO INTERNAL MASTERY, which course I have successfully followed myself, to the extent that I can now repress almost all my own generous or murderous impulses. Follow this program, and in no time at all, YOU will also have your own selves under nearly complete control. Good luck.

NO-SWEAT INTERNAL MASTERY

1. Lay down on a big piece of paper. Trace an outline of your body on the paper. Just lie there prone, arms akimbo -- no funny or grotty or snide postures, please.
2. Draw thin horizontal lines across your head and thorax, dividing yourself into five equal-sized zones. Do this on the paper, not on your own body.
3. Draw a big circle within each zone, each circle being the same size. Label these circles, from top to bottom, as follows: ULTRA-HIGH, HIGHER, MIDDLE, LOWER, INFRA-LOW. These represent your primary natures.
4. The diagram on the paper is now your NATURES CHART. Hang the NATURES CHART on a wall, horisontally, with your head to the left or right, depending on your political views, if any.
5. Sit back a number of feet from the NATURES CHART in a comfortable position. You are going to be staring at the chart for quite a while, so don't place yourself too high or low, or you'll get a neck ache.
6. Stare at the NATURES CHART. Cross your eyes. Change your eye-crossing and focus until the circles all lie on top of each other. When they are all superimposed, you have brought all your own internal selves into synchronicity.
7. You may not be able to do this all at once, so start with adjacent pairs of circles. Focus on your HIGHER and MIDDLE circles; work your eyes until they are brought together. Now do the same with your MIDDLE and LOWER circles.
8. Repeat this process until you can quickly bring all the circles together, bringing your internal selves into synchronicity at will. Practice this until it becomes second nature to you. Or first nature, if you perfer. Whatever.

Now it's time to apply this discipline to your multiple selves. Whenever you feel your higher or lower natures taking control of your operational self, quickly sit down, cross your eyes, and visualize bringing your internal selves into synchronicity. Keep your virtual circles synchronized until your higher or lower nature submit to your mastery. DO NOT LET THEM ESCAPE!

Practice this method on a daily, even hourly, schedule, and within a week or a month or a year or so, you'll be in total control of your selves, a fully-realized Ascendent Master of human potentiality. Fail to do so, and you'll be just another pathetic schlub who can barely keep from wetting yourself in public. And you don't want THAT, now do you? Of course not.