Little Buffy's Christmas Songs

Holly Jolly Harvest

(To the tune of "Holly Jolly Christmas")

Have a holly jolly Harvest
It's the Master's time of year
Drink a flood of teenage blood
To help him re-appear

Have a holly jolly Harvest
When you walk down to the Bronze
Be real sweet to vamps you meet
And the kids that you'll hit on

Oh ho, the crosses stowed
Safe where none will see
Sweet necks await your fangs
Bite them all for me!

Have a holly jolly Harvest
May the slayer not be near
Oh by golly have a holly jolly
Harvest this year!

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Rudolph the Red Fanged Weredeer

(To the tune of "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer")

You hate Slasher and Cancer and Panzer and Siegfried
Vomit, Locutus and Downer and Blitzkrieg
But do you detest...
The deer deadlier than all the rest?

Rudolph the red fanged weredeer
Had some scary bloodsoaked teeth
And if you ever saw them
Better buy your funeral wreath

All of the normal reindeer
Used to laugh and tease him when
He changed beneath the full moon
'Bet they won't do that again!

Then one boring Halloween
Spike he came to say,
"Rudy with your wicked bite,
Shred some schoolkids, make my night!"

Then all the reindeer loved him
He became their chosen one,
"Rudolph, when you eat humans,
We'll have revenge for ven-i-son!"

(Later, Little Buffy added her own final verse...)

Deerbreath is way too cocky
'Cause gee, I've got this silver pin
That I pulled out of my french braid
Oh look, it goes through weredeer skin!

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Vampy Claws is Coming to Town

(To the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town")

Oh you better stay keen
You better not date
You better get mean
Before it's too late
Vampy Claws is coming to town!

He's got a big claw
He sharpened it twice
He'll turn you to slaw
With that ol' slice-and-dice
Vampy Claws is coming to town!

Don't let him get you cornered
No moment's mercy give
Don't make your friends your mourners
For goodness sakes girl, live!

Don't get a big gash
From his wicked steel rake
No slashy-slash-slash
Just stakey-stake-stake!
Vampy Claws is coming to town!

He'll rip out your throat
If you give him the chance
So slay the old goat
Then come back for a dance!
Vampy Claws is coming to town!

The poor men in the park there
They live in misery
Cause Vampy hunts by dark there
And camps out in their trees!

Oh you better stay keen
You better not date
You better get mean
Before it's too late

Vampy Claws is coming...
Vampy Claws is coming...
Vampy Claws is coming to town!

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Moloch the Snowman

(To the tune of "Frosty the Snowman")

Moloch the Snowman
Was an ancient evil soul
With his icy skin
And his two big horns
And his eyes like burning coal

Moloch the Snowman
Is a fairytale they pray
He was made of snow
But the hackers know
He was on the Net one day

There must have been some magic
In that cold book Giles found
When Willow scanned it in as text
He began to link around

Moloch the Snowman
Was alive digitally
And the hackers say
He would hunt and prey
On the geeks like you and me

Moloch the Snowman
Knew that Willow set him free
So he wooed his pet
On the Internet
With seductive IRC

Down in a warehouse
Using servos for his hands
Twisting necks at will
Simply for the thrill
Saying "Willow, I'm your man!"

He led Buff to shower
That was wired up to pop
And she only paused the moment
That she heard Dave holler "Stop!"

Moloch the Snowman
Got deleted so they say
By an ancient chant
But he says "Don't rant,
I'll be back online someday!"

Linkety-link-link
Linkety-link-link
Look at Moloch haul
Linkety-link-link
Linkety-link-link
Over firewalls

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Deck the Clowns

(To the tune of "Deck the Halls")

Deck the clowns with fists by golly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
They've no reason to be jolly
Fa la la la la, la la la la

As they don their clown apparel
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
Summon your hyena feral!
Fa la la la la, la la la la

See the blades of clowns before us
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Strike 'em down before they gore us
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Follow me in clown assaultin'
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
While I'm backwards somersaultin'
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Fast away our clown collapses
Fa la la la la, la la la la
With misfiring brain synapses
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Run we quickly from our fight there
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
To the town's unfolding nightmare
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Bozo's face got creamed by Xander
Fa la la la la, la la la la
No pie, but a hard right-hander
Fa la la la la, la la la la

While folks screamed like at the dentist
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
Xander clocked the clowny menace!
Fa la la la la, la la la la

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Bite Christmas

(To the tune of "White Christmas")

I'm dreaming of a bite Christmas
Just like the kind in Sunnydale
By a burning Yule log
With fresh red eggnog
From kids anemically pale

I'm feeding for this bite Christmas
On every caroler in sight
May your days fade quickly to night
And may all your Christmases just bite!

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Winter Xanderland

(To the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Slay bells ring
Are you listenin'?
Fangs sure sting
Blood is glistenin'

A terrible fright
We're having tonight
Slaying in a winter Xanderland

From his lair, comes the Master
Here to share some disaster
He jokes as he speaks
To give us the creeps
Slaying in a winter Xanderland

On the rooftop Buff will face that old man
And prepare to drop him on a post
He'll say 'Aren't you dead yet?'
She'll say 'No, man,
But you could do the job, except you're toast!'

Later on, we're romancin'
At the Bronze, as we're dancin'
The Hellmouth drew back
We weren't a vamp snack
Slaying in a winter Xanderland

On the bookshelves lie the bones of Master
We'll tell Snyder they're a mastodon
We'll make tusks for Master out of plaster
And yank out both his fangs to put them on

When we fought, weren't it thrillin'?
Who'd have thought, we'd be killin'?
We help our girl slay
In our Slayerette way
Slaying in a winter Xanderland

Slaying in a winter Xanderland (X4)

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To Slay in a Manger

(To the tune of "Away in a Manger")

To slay in a manger where cattle were bled,
A young girl watched Colin lay down his sweet head.
Her hand on her cross, she looked down where he'd lain,
Anointed One Colin, asleep to be slain.

The cattle are dying, the vampling awakes,
And darn that young Colin, he dodges her stake.
"I'll get thee vamp Colin, I swear by the sky!
I'll slay in thy cradle till morning is nigh."

"Be near me, vamp Colin, I pray don't you go.
Just linger a bit while I aim this crossbow.
For all the poor creatures whose lives you've made sad,
I'll send you to Hell to meet Master, your dad!"

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Oh Unholy Night

(To the tune of "Oh Holy Night")

Oh unholy night!
The stars are all in hiding.
It is the night of the feared Master's rise!
Clearly this brings not the happiest of tidings
With Master free, screaming 'Everyone Dies!'
But thrill of hope! There's reason for rejoicing
For yonder comes the Slayer just reborn!

Chorus:

Fall on her stake!
Oh hear that girl's defiance!
Oh die, you swine!
Oh die, and turn to bones...

Led by the voice
Of Anointed One's soft pleading
With heavy heart, Buffy took his small hand.
Strong in her will to prevent more kids from bleeding
Down she descended to underground land.
The King of Vamps lurked just below awaiting
In all her kills she'd never seen his kind

Chorus

Clearly he thought
That this night must be her last one.
So said his book, that her young life would end.
Somehow he missed that the girl could pull a fast one
With CPR from the lips of a friend.
She rose from death with power unrelenting
Let all who feed now fear her frightening name!

Chorus (last two lines X2)

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Hark! the Hellmouth's Angel Sings

(To the tune of "Hark! the Herald Angels Sing")

Season One...

Hark! the Hellmouth's Angel sings
Songs of curses, souls, and things
Conscience curbs his bloodlust wild
Man and Vamp are reconciled!
Hear him mourn his loved ones lost
See him fight his former boss!
Lest things evil should prevail
Angel has come to Sunnydale
Hark! the Hellmouth's Angel sings
Songs of dispatching vampire kings

Hark! the Hellmouth's Angel sings
Songs of kisses, coats, and rings
Not content as Codex mystery
Angel now confronts his history!
Saves he Buffy from disaster
Fighting troops of his old Master!
Thwarting Darla's heartfelt prayer
Angel has fallen for a slayer
Hark! the Hellmouth's Angel sings
Songs of the warmth of living beings

Season Two...

Hark! the Hellmouth's Angel sings
Songs of souls destroyed by flings
Where his goodness brightly shown
Now there's evil to the bone
Gypsy lass can't demon check
When he grabs her fragile neck
Off the teat of love cold-weaned
Angel's become a loathsome fiend
Hark! the Hellmouth's Angel sings
Songs of the pain that joy can bring

Hark! the Hellmouth's Angel sings
Songs of burning loving beings
Through a statue's gargoyle frown
Hellgates grow to suck men down
Slayer strikes at plan infernal
Crossing blades for time eternal
With a kiss and thrust so clean
Angel is sent to worlds obscene
Hark! the Hellmouth's Angel sings
Songs of a love with blackened wings

"Season Three" due Summer '99...

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We Three Fiends

(To the tune of "We Three Kings")

We three fiends of Sunnydale town
Seek your blood, we're hunting it down
Warm and runny, sweet as honey
In it we hope to drown, ohhh...

Chorus:

Town of wonder with no clue
Town where all our dreams come true
Ever-bleeding, all-night feeding
Stars bring all your veins in view

Sweet type "O," most plentiful brew
"A" and "B," delectible too
Rare type "AB" drawn from babies
None can compare to you! ohhh...

Chorus

Queens and kings we are of the night
Gifts we bring, anemia and fright
Stars point strongly toward the Bronze, gee
Let's drop in for a bite! ohhh...

Chorus

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Oh Little Town of Sunnydale

(To the tune of "Oh Little Town of Bethlehem")

Oh little town of Sunnydale
Uneasily you lie
In feigning sleep as demons creep
Quite noisily right by
Yet in thy darkest graveyards
One little slayer fights
The fiends and fears of countless years
She meets in there most nights

She came here and found Slayerettes
Who gathered all around
As prom queens sleep, a watch they keep
On this ungrateful town
While others flirt and frolic
They scour library shelves
Unnoticed still for all they kill
They keep unto themselves

How rapidly, how rapidly
Buff's blessed stakes are driven
So she imparts to vampire hearts
A slaying straight from heaven
Few eyes can track her movements
Most say that she's not real
"Those vamps who pass are just swamp gas,
Whose turn is it to deal?"

Oh Blessed Slayer of Sunnydale
Don't die on us we pray
Denial's swell, but weak as well
We'll get a clue some day
Till then if you'd keep killing
All vampires within range
We'll claim we see normality
And say it's you who's strange

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Blessed Saint Demonica

(To the tune of "Jolly Old Saint Nicholas")

(Santa Demonica is the patroness saint of all vampire
slayers and holy guardian of the Order of Our Lady of
Demonic Assassinations - OLODA)

Blessed Saint Demonica
Hear me as I pray
May I not spare one dark soul
Of those that I must slay

Harvesteve is coming soon
You're my patron saint
Guide my stake as lives I take
Don't let my watcher faint

Darla wants kimonos pink
Anointed wants some darts
Tell you what they'll really get...
A stake right through their hearts!

I of course will fight alone
Assist me if you can
By the way, may I let live
That one hot vampire man?

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Violent Night

(To the tune of "Silent Night")

Violent night, unholy night!
Watch your back, classmates bite
'Round blonde Slayer, thrust after thrust
Vampires perish in poofs of bright dust
Sweep it up if you please
Lest it rise to your knees

Violent night, unholy night!
Wise men run from this fight.
Scattering clouds hint she's got the right stuff
Willow and Xander cheer, "Way to go, Buff!"
Come on and face her, it's cool
Come on and face her, you fool

Violent night, unholy night!
Joyce's darling does it right
Stakes flash brightly, her crossbow it sings
Feel the peace that a good slaying brings!
Creeps, you picked the wrong town
Creeps, come turn sandy and brown

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I Saw Mummy Kissing Xander Claus

(To the tune of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus")

I saw Mummy kissing Xander Claus
Outside her sarcophagus last night
She was tired of feeling cold
Being several centuries old
She thought that he might make her
Feel a little less like mold

I saw Mummy kissing Xander Claus
Draining him like some big battery
He should have known when they first clicked
She was a monster, not a chick
'Cause monsters sure dig Xander Claus!

(repeat melody)

I saw Mummy kissing Xander Claus
Just before she turned a gruesome sight
How she longed to take a whirl
Such a pre-Colombian pearl!
She hoped that he might make her
Feel like any other girl

I saw Mummy kissing Xander Claus
Flaunting Incan immortality
He should have known right from the start
She was a monster at her heart
'Cause monsters all love Xander Claus!

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Der Kindestodt

(To the tune of "O Tannenbaum," or "Oh Christmas Tree")

Der Kindestodt, Der Kindestodt
How unsafe are your eyeballs
Der Kindestodt, they killed a tot
Our clinic will be liable!

By night you break into locked rooms
And bring our patients to their doom
Der Kindestodt, that isn't hot
Please read our Gideons Bibles

Der Kindestodt, hey thanks a lot
A ward of screaming children
Der Kindestodt, our nerves are shot
From this ungodly kill din

We think it's time for your health check
And we prescribe a broken neck
Der Kindestodt, stay on your cot
Your death chart's neatly filled-in

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Sulfur Hells

(To the tune of "Silver Bells")

Silly swordfight, led to my plight
Sent me down to these worlds
Where the air burns and smells
Just like brimstone

Blade in my gut, what a real rut!
From my girlfriend no less
Summer break my soul toured
Picturesque...

Chorus:

Sulfur Hells, gee they're swell
It's payback time from my sweetie
Burny-burn, won't I learn?
Soon I might be quite insane!

Not my fault again, 'twas that demon
Why must I pay his fine?
He has fun and I'm stuck
With the tab

From my bedroom to this hell gloom
Where the fiends find me cute
Till I'm yanked out and dumped
On some slab

Chorus

I was elsewhere when my fangs bared
Ask those gypsies, they know
I've an airtight but sad
Alibi

Now in trouble for my double
'Cause he looks just like me
I'm so misunderstood
I could cry

Chorus

Humans hate me really lately
For what demon-me did
When I'm nice I'm so easy
To blame

But I roasted while they boasted
Of their summertime fun
My vacation this year
Was so lame!

Chorus

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My Two Sharp Fangs

(To the tune of "My Two Front Teeth")

Everybody turns and runs from me
My soul is truly gone as they can see
'Guess I'm doomed to brood for all eternity
And pass the gift to folks like you
Just as sadistically! 'Cause...

Chorus:

All I got for Christmas were my two sharp fangs
My two sharp fangs, yeah, my two sharp fangs
Now that I have finally got my two sharp fangs
You can share in my scary Christmas!

It won't take long till you can say:
"Brother Louis biting on a co-ed"
For I spread the joy since that yuletide day
When I became an undead!

Chorus (and repeat melody)

Nobody can spot a bit of good in me
I'm just about as evil as a boy can be
Darla is to blame for this catastrophe
And my new goal on Christmas is
As plain as it can be! Oh...

Chorus

It's been awhile since I could date
Lyin' on the beach, sun-fryin'
I don't like sun since my teeth grew in
And my dates all end up dyin'!

Chorus

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Boy, What a Girl!

(To the tune of "Joy to the World!")

Boy what a girl, this Chosen One!
She gives those vamps the shakes
May every heart prepare some room
For her most heavenly stakes
For her most heavenly stakes
For her, for her most heavenly stakes!

Boy what a girl, her kills are loud!
That stake is not some toy
The echoes from dark warehouse walls
Repeat the sounding joy
Repeat the sounding joy
Repeat, so sweet, the sounding joy!

She schools them all in ruthless grace
And makes their leaders rue
Their gory love for lifelessness
And appetite for blood
And appetite for blood
They'll rue till blue their lust for blood!

Some would suggest her time is through
Too long against the odds
But let them say this to her face
So they can meet their gods
So they can meet their gods
So they (oy vey!) can meet their gods!

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We Wish You a Scary Christmas

(To the tune of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas")

We wish you a scary Christmas
We wish you a scary Christmas
We wish you a scary Christmas
May you all live in fear

Good bitings we bring
To you and your kin
Good bitings for Christmas
So your souls disappear

Now bring us some hemoglobin
Yes bring us some hemoglobin
Kids bring us some hemoglobin
'Tis a cup of good cheer!

We won't go until we get some
Our fangs grow until we get some
You'll die slow until we get some
Oh, bring thy necks near....

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I Cast My Spells on Solstice Day

(Sung by Ms. Calendar to the tune of
"I heard the Bells on Christmas Day")

I cast my spells on Solstice Day
That new familiar techno way
My gif files dance to ascii chants
For peace online, so modem be

My AI cat familiar plays
With mouse cards slotted in the bays
He'd best be through, we've rites to do
For peace online, so modem be

A two-horned fiend, a wigged-out monk
Just standard wired wiccan junk
Our power spreads through Java threads
For peace online, so modem be

The Goddess speaks in Quicktime clips
Did She just say "Apocalypse"?!!!
Before we squirm, click "Please Confirm"
For peace online, so modem be

When Rupert needs a Moloch nix
I am his cyber-dominatrix
His Luddite views do me amuse
For peace online, so modem be

Sweet Willow helps with software heists
To firewall web poltergeists
We're nerdly-wise and their demise
For peace online, so modem be

Cordelia doesn't like the Net
If school jocks don't flirt on it yet
She'll come around, when hell goes down
For peace online, so modem be

Dear Xander "helps" the girls and me
Providing running comment'ry
Though sweet's his smile, it won't compile
For peace online, so modem be

The slayer seems a little small
Online that matters not at all
I'll scan her in should s*** begin
For peace online, so modem be

As cost cuts from employment rob
I feel secure still in my job
Computers grew, thus demons too
For peace online, I'll needed be

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The Thirteen Days of Undeath (Last Verse)

(To the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas")

On my thirteenth day of undeath, Drusilla gave to me...
Thirteen Kendra's draining
Twelve Judge chunks raining
Eleven Giles kissing
Ten toddlers missing
Nine Daltons' smartness
Eight shopgirls heartless
Seven boyfriends dueling
Six Sunshines drooling
Five piercing screams!
Four scalded chests
Three scorched flowers
Two headless dolls
And a dead birdie nailed to its tree.

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