------ THE CHISHOLM TRAIL ------
Saddled old Bollie and headed for the herd
He threw me off in a fresh cow-turd
------
[chorus] Gonna tie my pecker to a tree, to a tree
Gonna tie my pecker to a tree
------
I was coming down the mountain by the old cow-trail
With my pecker in my hand and a heifer by the tail
[chorus]
------
The hair on her head was a piss-burnt color
And the crabs on her ass was a-fucking one another
[chorus]
------
I jumped from the saddle and threw her in the grass
And pumped salvation up her dirty rotten ass
[chorus]
------
It was damn fine doings but I ran it too close
And I wound up with a hell of a dose
[chorus]
------
I was in bed six weeks before they turned me loose
Soaking my cock in tobacco juice
[chorus]
------
Last time I saw the boss, haven't seen him since
He was screwing a cow through a barb-wire fence
[chorus]
------
And now my song is ended, I can sing you no more
There's an apple in my ass, and you can have the core
[chorus]
------ MY GOD, HOW THE MONEY ROLLS IN ------ [arr. Oscar Brand]
My father makes book on the corner
My mother makes second-hand gin
My sister makes love for a quarter
My God, how the money rolls in
------
chorus: Rolls in, rolls in, my God how the money rolls in (2x)
------
My brother's a poor missionary
He saves fallen women from sin
He'll save you a blonde for a dollar
My God, how the money rolls in
------
My uncle's an artist and painter
He turns our a beautiful fin
He sells them two cents on the dollar
My God, how the money rolls in
------
My aunt is a boarding-house keeper
She takes little working-girls in
They put a red light on the window
My God, how the money rolls in
------
My grandma sells cheap prophylactics
She punctures the head with a pin
For grandpa gets rich with abortions
My God, how the money rolls in
-- [alternative verses] --
My father sells snow to the junkies
My mother makes synthetic gin
My sister makes love for a living
My God, how the money rolls in!
------
My brother's a big social worker
He studies feminine sin
He'll land you a blonde for ten dollars
My God, how the money rolls in!
------
My uncle, he dabbles in numbers
As well as in poker and gin
He knows how to deal from the bottom
My God, how the money rolls in!
------
Aunt Bess runs a fine seminary
To give girls a cultural 'in'
The callers address her as 'Madam'
My God, how the money rolls in!
------ THE WINNIPEG WHORE ------
[the saga of an early Canadian immigrant]
My first trip up the Chippeway River
My first trip to Canadian shores
There I met a young miss O'Flannigan
Commonly known as the Winnipeg Whore
Commonly known as the Winnipeg Whore
--
"Well," says she, "I think I know you
Let me sit upon your knee
How's about a little lovin'?
Dollar and a half is the usual fee
Dollar and a half is the usual fee"
--
She took my arm and led me quickly
To the place she used to sleep
Dirty old room with a straw-filled mattress
Wasn't too clean but it sure was cheap
Wasn't too clean but it sure was cheap
--
Some were drunk and some were sober
Some were lying on the floor
I was in the darkest corner
Throwing the blocks to the Winnipeg Whore
Throwing the blocks to the Winnipeg Whore
--
She was fiddling, I was diddling
Didn't know what 'twas all about
Till I missed my watch and wallet
Christ almighty, I found out
Christ almighty, I found out
--
Up jumped the whore and sons of bitches
Must have been a score or more
You'd have laughed to cream your britches
To see my ass fly out that door
To see my ass fly out that door
--
My first trip up the Chippeway River
My first trip to Canadian shores
There I met a young miss O'Flannigan
Commonly known as the Winnipeg Whore
Commonly known as the Winnipeg Whore
------ THREE WHORES OF WINNIPEG ------
There were three whores of Winnipeg
Drinking blood-red wine
And one unto the others said
"Yours is smaller than mine!"
------
chorus: So swab the decks ye bastards
Swab'em down with brine
Lay to the oars, ye lousy whores
Yours is smaller than mine!
------
"You're a liar," said the first whore
"Mine's as big as the air,
The fleet sails in and the fleet sails out
And never tickles a hair!" [chorus]
------
"You're a liar," said the second whore
"Mine's as big as the sea,
The fleet sails in and the fleet sails out,
And never bothers me!" [chorus]
------
"You're a liar," said the third whore
"Mine's the biggest of all,
The fleet sails in on the first of June
And doesn't come out 'til fall!" [chorus]
------ MOBILE ------
Oh, the eagles, they fly high over Mobile
Yes, the eagles, they fly high over Mobile
Oh, the eagles, they fly high
And they shit right in your eye
And I'm glad that cows don't fly over Mobile
------ THOSE PIONEERS ------
Oh, those pioneers have hairy ears
They piss through leather britches
They wipe their ass on broken glass
Those hardy sons-of-bitches!
------
When cunt is rare, they fuck a bear
They knife him if he snitches
They knock their cocks against the rocks
Those hardy sons-of-bitches!
------
They take their ass upon the grass
From fairies or from witches
Their two-pound dinks are full of kinks
Those hardy sons-of-bitches!
------
Without remorse they fuck a horse
And beat him if he twitches
Their mighty dicks are full of nicks
Those hardy sons-of-bitches!
------
To make a mule stand for their tool
He's beat with hickory switches
They use their pricks for walking-sticks
Those hardy sons-of-bitches!
------
Great joy they reap from buggering sheep
In sundry bogs and ditches
Each time they cough, they're jerking off
Those hardy sons-of-bitches!
------
When booze is rare, they do not care
To take a shot of Fitch's
They fuck their wives with butcher knives
Those hardy sons-of-bitches!
------
Both young and old, they scorn all gold
And every kind of riches
They care for nought but sexual sport
Those hardy sons-of-bitches!
------
They rather be a fag or dyke
And other kind of switches
They laugh at luck, and only fuck
Those hardy sons-of-bitches!
------ THE MASTURBATION SONG ---- [tune: FUNICULI, FUNICULA]
Last night I stayed at home and masturbated
It felt so good; I knew it would
Last night I stayed at home and masturbated
It felt so nice; I did it twice
O, you should have seen me on the short stroke
It felt so grand, I used my hand
O, you should have heard me on the long stroke
It felt so neat, I used my feet!
Smash it, bash it, slam it on the floor
Wrap it round the bedpost, cram it in the door
Now there are some who say that sexual intercourse is great
But for maximum satisfaction I prefer to masturbate
Hey!
------ KAFOOZALUM ------
In olden days there lived a maid
Who used to ply a thrifty trade
A prostitute of ill repute
The harlot of Jerusalem
------
chorus: Hi, hi, Kafoozalum, the Harlot of Jerusalem
Prostitute of ill repute, the daughter of the Rabbi
------
She surely was a wily witch
A warty whore, a brazen bitch
And every dong it got the itch
That dangled in Kafoozalum [chorus]
------
Nearby there lived a bastard tall
With prick so hard it could break a wall
'Twas rumoured he had ridden all
The harlots of Jerusalem [chorus]
------
One day returning from a spree
A high and mighty jubilee
Kafoozalum he chanced to see
Passing through Jerusalem [chorus]
------
With many a nod and glancing look
She led him to a nearby brook
And from his bulging pants she took
The pride of all Jerusalem [chorus]
------
She took his pride with aim to please
And rubbed it gently twixt her knees
The bastard showered all the trees
And drowned out half Jerusalem [chorus]
------
The son-of-a-bitch was underslung
He missed her hole and hit her bung
And drove his dong into her dung
'Way down by Jerusalem [chorus]
------
Now Kafoozalum, she knew her part
She cocked her ass and let a fart
And blew that bastard like a dart
So high over Jerusalem [chorus]
------
And there he lay, a broken mass
His cock all filled with shit and gas
While Kafoozalum she wiped her ass
All over fair Jerusalem [chorus]
------ CHRISTIANITY HITS THE SPOT ------
Christianity hits the spot
12 apostles, that's a lot
Holy Ghost and the Virgin too -
Christianity's the faith for you!
(Holy, holy, holy, holy)
--
Judaism hits the spot
Ten commandments, that's a lot
Patriarch Moses and a Talmud
Judaism is the faith for you!
(Torah, Torah, Torah, Torah)
--
Buddhism really hits the spot
Seven pathways, that's a lot
Siddhartha and incense too
Buddhism is the faith for you!
(Om, om, om, om)
------ THE GOOD SHIP VENUS ------
'Twas on the good ship Venus
By God you should have seen us
The figurehead was a whore in bed
And the mast of a phallic penis
---
The first mate's name was Andy
By God he was a dandy
They crushed his cock upon a rock
For pissing in the brandy
---
The second mate's name was Morgan
By God he was a Gorgon
From half past eight, he played till late
Upon the captain's organ
---
The cabin boy was chipper
A likely little nipper
He filled his ass with broken glass
And circumcized the skipper
---
The captain's daughter Mabel
Would screw when she was able
The dirty shits, they nailed her tits
Upon the galley table
---
Another daughter, Betty
To screw was always ready
She'd fornicate the second mate
And suck-off his bunkmate, Teddy
---
The skipper's youngest daughter
Was washed into the water
Her plaintive squeals announded that eels
Had found her sexual quarter
---
The captain's wife was Charlotte
Born and bred a harlot
By night her thighs were lily white
And by morning they were scarlet
---
The ship's dog's name was Rover
We rolled that poor dog over
And ground and ground that faithful hound
From Cape Cod back to Dover
---
And when we reached our station
In the midst of jubilation
The ship was sunk from too much spunk
And too much fornication
------ BARNACLE BILL, THE SAILOR ------
"Who's that knocking at my door?
Who's that knocking at my door?
Who's that knocking at my door?"
Said the fair young maiden
----
"It's only me from over the sea"
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor
"My ass it tight, my temper's raw"
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor
"I'm so wound up I'm afraid to stop
I'm looking for meat or I'm gonna pop
A rag, a bone with a cherry on top"
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor
----
"I'll come down and let you in
I'll come down and let you in
I'll come down and let you in"
Said the fair young maiden
-----
"Well hurry before I bust the door"
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor
"I'm hard to windward and hard a-lee"
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor
"I've newly come upon the shore
And this is what I'm looking for
A jade, a maid, or even a whore"
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor
-----
"Oh your whiskers scrape my cheeks
Oh your whiskers scrape my cheeks
Oh your whiskers scrape my cheeks"
Said the fair young maiden
-----
"I'm dirty and lousy and full of fleas"
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor
"I'll stick my mast in whomever I please"
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor
"My flowing whiskers give me class
The sea horses eat them instead of grass
If they hurt your cheeks, they'll tickle your ass"
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor
-----
"Tell me that we'll soon be wed
Tell me that we'll soon be wed
Tell me that we'll soon be wed"
Said the fair young maiden
-----
"You foolish girl, it's nothing but sport"
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor
"I've got me a wife in every port"
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor
"Off I go on another tack
To give some other fair maid a crack
But keep it oiled till I come back"
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor
------ DEAD-EYE DICK ------
Out of the woods came Dead-Eye Dick
The man with the six-foot spiral dick
He searched the earch in a mighty hunt
For a girl with a six-foot spiral cunt
--
He searched by air and he searched by ground
But never a six-foot twat he found
He searched by land and he searched by sea
But never a corkscrew screw screwed he
--
He searched from Spain to the isle of Wight
To find a girl to fit him right
At last, when he found her, he shot her dead -
For he found that she had a left-hand thread!
------ A QUICK WAY TO BE RID OF A WIFE ------
I had a wife and got no good of her
Tell ye how I easy got rid of her
Took her out and chopped the head of her
Early in the morning
---
Seeing as how there was no evidence
For the sheriff or his reverence
They had to call it an act of providence
Early in the morning
---
So if you've a wife and get no good of her
Here is how to easy get rid of her
Take her out and chop the head of her
Early in the morning
------ NO BALLS AT ALL ------
Come all you children and listen to me
I'll sing you a song that will fill you with glee
About a young maiden, so stately and tall
Who married a man who had no balls at all
--
chorus: No balls at all, no balls at all
She married a man who had no balls at all
--
The night of the wedding she crept into bed
Her cheeks were so rosy, her ass was so red
She reached for his penis, his penis was small
She reached for his balls, he had no balls at all
[chorus]
--
"Mother, oh Mother, oh what shall I do?
I've married a man who's unable to screw!"
"Oh daughter, oh daughter, don't you feel so bad
It's the very same trouble I had with your dad"
[chorus]
--
"Oh Mother, oh Mother, I wish I were dead
There is no relief for my poor maidenhead"
"Oh daughter, the iceman will answer the call
Of the wife of the man who has no balls at all"
[chorus]
--
This daring young daughter took mother's advise
And laid with the man who delivers the ice
A bounding young baby was born in the fall
To the wife of the man who had no balls at all
[chorus]
------ MY SWEETHEART'S THE MULE IN THE MINE ------
My sweetheart's de mule in de mine
Down below, where de sun never shine
And all day I just sits
And I chews and I spits
All over my sweetheart's behin'
|
