There is a way and there is hope. That is one of the things I have come to accept since I began working on myself at Tayu. That much is apparent to me now and what is left is effort, my effort. There is no easy way to do this kind of work for this kind of aim. But the work is a joy. The harder I work the more joy I experience. It seems that I did not learn this in the course of "normal" life. Seems to me that I was always taught to get the most I could for the least amount of work. I was taught to be a taker.

No one was trying to fool me or set me down the wrong path, they were simply doing their best. Society at large, my parents, my android, they all wanted me to get the most for the least amount of effort. That was one major problem that I had. And attention from others. I thought attention from others was everything. To control what people said and thought about me. To make them see what I wanted them to see. Like a movie or television star I wanted to be famous among my small circle of friends and family. To be a star to my family and friends and to get without much giving, these were my primary goals. Mixed in with this was some annoying stuff that kept coming up. Stuff that really bothered me. I felt empty inside, I felt like part of me was in pain, like part of me was being starved.

Eventually this hunger that I felt became more powerful than any other force in my life. It was more important than what people thought of me and it was even worth some work, although I did not want to do any more than was absolutely necessary. Perhaps I could just fake it and manage to fool the people with the knowledge long enough to get the answers that I thought I needed. Perhaps they would unwittingly tell me the great secret that would lead to enlightenment even before I finished paying my dues. Sitting here writing this it feels so strange to be copping to my own petty selfishness. But I no longer care. As if any of that matters now.

What matters is what is real to me and my old ways now seem very artificial. They seem so basic and immature. I have some time in this life to really get some place. To appreciate and to experience life. It was said at a recent study group meeting that this may be the best way one can pay back "God" or the " Universe" or "Creator" or whatever label you like. To simply be alive and experiencing your life to the fullest, with all of its ups and downs. What could be more joyful than to be as completely yourself and as completely alive as you can? It might just be the reason we are all here. Wouldn’t that be a gas? If it were a "cosmic law" or "commandment" it might sound something like this:

And what if this was all of the pay back that was necessary to justify ones existence. Even more than that, suppose that to actually pull this off was the greatest gift you could ever give to "God" or the "Creator" or the "Universe". Wow! Life could be a fantastic thing! Life could be extremely cool! Life could be awesome. To be more and more the person you were created to be no matter what people think and no matter how much work it takes. To be more and more real. To be more and more alive!