The Integration Process

I was beginning to understand the true richness of recovery, the need to go deeply into myself and find out who I truly was. —Elizabeth

In time, and with nurturing support, I have consciously merged many of my fragmented parts... When they merged with me, I felt their energies mingling with my core self. It reminded me of the sparkly energy I used to see on the television show Star Trek when people were "beamed" to their desired location. I knew if it wasn't right for the kids to merge, it would be like repelling magnets... I feel so vulnerable in the world right now... Two major things are happening in my life right now. The first is that I am going through my life from birth and am releasing all that happened... The second transition is remembering, on a body level, what it was like when I split off into other parts. It felt like my head had this big horizontal crack in it and I was falling into a bottomless hole in complete terror. When I integrated, I reexperienced the horror of splitting into my fragmented parts. —Brooke

The story is far from over. In November of 1996, I discovered that I was able to retrieve more information from my inner self(ves) by continuing in the left-hand writing mode when I journaled. I was so invested in being "INTEGRATED," that I was afraid to write with my left hand, yet "they" insisted on naming themselves, and became caustic about my denial of them.... I fought hard not to let them out. I was determined to be integrated; I wasn’t about to acknowledge that I really was multiple. I don’t quite understand why I was so invested in being integrated. In retrospect, I think I just wanted to be done, and to get on with life, as though what I was living was something else....

My work is not only to allow myself to be cleansed of the lint and snarls of my past teachings, but to reweave the truth. —Margaret

In October 1996, we had a mass "meeting" in which Lynn asked for any alters who had not changed jobs and were ready to do so, to hold up their hands. In my mind I saw several. I relaxed and let them come up one at a time. Many clusters had integrated into one, so there were far fewer alters by now. Lynn had continually assured everyone inside as a group, and as individuals, that no one was going to die; no one was going away. This had been a concern of several alters, who often felt they might be rejected, or who didn’t know how to do anything but their jobs. "You can learn many exciting ideas of new ways to serve Dixie when you are filled with light," Lynn would suggest to puzzled alters worrying about their futures.

My alters were often tired anyway, and once they processed and knew everyone would be safe without their old jobs, many came up with inventive and helpful new assignments for themselves while waiting for final integration. This is a crucial step because it literally sets new neuropathways into the mind and body. —Dixie

My first major integration took place in the Des Moines hotel that night. Tricia used the imagery of the life stages of the butterfly. As far as we knew, all the parts on the first level chose to integrate at this time. They met together and a chrysalis was formed around us to provide peace, comfort, and love. As our thoughts and energies blended, we became one integrated person. I, as the butterfly, ascended. It felt as though my whole body was filled with incredible white light. The silence was deafening, but I felt great peace and calmness. After returning home from Des Moines, things weren’t as overwhelming as they had been. Colors were brighter and things were more dimensional. We thought I was whole and completely integrated. Accessing information became effortless. My two worlds melded almost into one. -Carol

I believe that integration is a spiritual process and that all integration is brought about by an experience of pure, unconditional love. —Susan

As the experiences of my alters emerged and were accepted, the amnesiac barrier slowly lifted and we all began to work together. This was a chaotic, frightening time because the memories came pouring out, sometimes tumbling over each other. The pain, grief, and rage were intense and would have been overwhelming if I hadn't been able to use my therapist's office as a container.... Integration was not a conscious decision. I would have been happy just to have co-consciousness. But little by little my children started to merge. For them it was both wonderful and frightening. They were no longer alone. They had compassion for each other. On the other hand, they were afraid that integration meant death. In a way, they were correct. It meant they would no longer function as they had for so many years. In compensation, they would be reborn in me, as part of me. For me—the host body—the difficulty was more long lasting. Their feelings and memories became my feelings and memories. —Terry

It was too fast. It felt as if twenty-eight children died, my children!…My feelings, and who I had been, were filtered and expressed through these kids.…I would have to live in the mystery of creating myself in a new way…Just as it took nine months to birth each of my four outer children, it had taken nine months to birth myself. —Lindsey

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Document last updated on 10/01/99-11:27:41.