Secretary of Agriculture
 Washington DC
 
 Dear Mr Secretary,
 
 My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a thousand
 dollar government check for not raising hogs. So, I want to go
 into the "not raising hogs" business. What I want to know is, in
 your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on
 and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure
 that I approach this endeavour in keeping with all governmental
 policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks but if this is
 not a good breed to raise, then I would just as gladly not raise
 Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program
 will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't
 raised.
 
 My friend, Peterson, is very pleased about the future of the business.
 He has been raising hogs for twenty years and the best he ever made
 on them was four hundred and fifty dollars in 1968 until this when
 he got your check for not raising any.
 
 If I get one thousand dollars for not raising fifty hogs, will I get
 two thousand dollars for not raising one hundred hogs? I plan to
 operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about
 four thousand hogs not raised which will mean about eighty thousand
 dollars the first year.  Now, another thing: These hogs I will not
 raise will not eat ten thousand dollars bushels of corn. Will I
 qualify for payments for not raising and wheat not to feed the
 four thousand hogs I am not going to raise? I want to get started
 as soon as possible as this seems like a good time of the year
 not to raise hogs or grain.
 
 Also, I am considering the "not milking the cows" business so
 please send me information on that, too. In view of these
 circumstances, I will be totally unemployed and plan to file
 for unemployment benefits and food stamps.
 
 Patriotically Yours
 
 I M Cheap

Wil Stark, wstark04 (at) pobox _dot_com

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