Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible passion for
 baked beans.  He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them.  But
 they always caused him a great deal of embarrassment shortly after
 eating them.  The reaction of his body to the beans was swift and
 terrible to behold.
 
      One day he met a girl and fell in love.  When it became apparent
 that they would marry, he realized she might be even more embarrassed and
 humiliated by his addiction to baked beans.  He decided to make the
 supreme sacrifice and give up his beloved baked beans.  A short time later
 they were married.
 
      Some months later, on his way home from work, his car broke down.
 He was not too far from home so he decided to leave the car and walk
 the rest of the way.  He passed a small roadside cafe and decided to call
 his wife and tell her that he would be late for supper.  As he entered the
 cafe, the smell of baked beans overwhelmed him.  He still had several miles
 to go, and decided that he could walk off any after-effects before reaching
 home.  Before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of baked beans.
 Even as he left the cafe, the effects began to be felt.  He pooted up a
 hill, and poot-pooted down the other side.  As he grew closer to home, the
 frequency and forcefulness diminished greatly, and he felt reasonably safe.
 
      Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling inside
 and was seized with a terrible urgency.  As he waited just outside his
 front door to release one last effort, his wife threw open the door.  She
 excitedly exclaimed, "Darling, I have made the most wonderful surprise
 dinner for you."  She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head
 of the table.  Just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the phone
 rang.  She made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to
 answer the phone.
 
      When she had gone, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to
 one leg and loudly broke wind.  It was not only loud, but as ripe as a
 rotten egg.  He had a hard time breathing, so he took his napkin and began
 to fan the air about him.  He just started feeling better when he felt
 another urge.  He again raised one leg and let her rip.  It sounded like a
 tuba and smelled so bad that he started gagging.  He fanned until his arms
 ached.  Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another
 powerful urge.  He shifted his weight to the other leg and let go.  This
 was the prize-winner.  The windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook
 and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
 
      While keeping one ear on the conversation in the hallway, he continued
 like this for the next 15 or 20 minutes, fanning away each time with his
 napkin.  When the sounds of farewells indicated the end of the telephone
 conversation, he neatly laid his napkin in his lap and folded his hands on
 top of it.  Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his
 wife returned to the room.
 
      Apologizing for talking so long, she asked if he had peeked.  After
 assuring her that he had not, she removed the blindfold, revealing the
 dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!

Wil Stark, wstark04 (at) pobox _dot_com

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