Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations
 
 
 REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by
 the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that
 it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America
 for an undisclosed sum.
  "It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said
 Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive
 arrangement
 for everyone".
  Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the
 White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the
 press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as
 a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned
 for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be
 profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve
 Ballmer.
  In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly
 and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with
 Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government,
 reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the
 mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it
 as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record",
 and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and
 confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000
 annually he
 has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.
  Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond
 as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the
 U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates
 went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished.
 "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're
 doing".
  When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was
 proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place".
  Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United
 States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government
 services and discounts on all Microsoft products.
 
 
 About Microsoft
 
 Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in
 software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company
 offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and
 personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more
 enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal
 computing and free society every day.
 
 
 About the United States
 
 Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation
 in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and
 opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the
 United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.
 
 
 "The United States of America" and "Microsoft" are registered trademarks of
 Microsoft Corporation.
 
 

Wil Stark, wstark04 (at) pobox _dot_com

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