Minnesota Skiier's Guide
 
 Alp:
      One of a number of ski mountains in Europe.
      Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European.
 
 Avalanche:
      One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten
      timid individuals away from the sport.  See also: Blizzard, First
      Aid, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.
 
 Bindings:
      Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from serious injury
      during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis
      skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers.
 
 Bones:
      There are 206 in the human body.  No need for dismay, however;
      the two bones of the middle ear have never been broken while
      skiing.
 
 Cross-Country Skiing:
      Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain technique.  It's good
      exercise, doesn't require purchase of costly lift tickets.  It
      has no crowds or lines.  See also Cross-Country
      Something-Or-Other.
 
 Cross-Country Something-or-Other:
      Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding
      through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes,
      hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping
      through snow and the muffled screams of other skiers dropping
      into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.
 
 Exercises:
      A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the
      slopes:
         1) Tie a cinder block to each foot and climb a flight of
         stairs. 
        2) Sit on the outside of a fourth-story window ledge
         with your skis on and your poles in your lap for at 
         least 30 minutes.        
        3) Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the      
         floor;  then, holding a banana in each hand, get to 
         your feet.
 
 Gloves:
      Designed to be tight around the wrist to restrict circulation,
      but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they
      should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting
      any dampness within to escape.
 
 Gravity:
     One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers.
     The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam;
     the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and
     electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive
     ski-resort parking lots.  See Inertia.
 
 Inertia:
     Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed
     due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion.  Goes along
     with these other physical laws:
        1) Two objects of different mass falling side by side will have
           the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have
           larger hospital and home care bills.
        2) Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops
           out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in
           our universe.
        3) When an irresistible force meets an immovable object (see
        "Tree")
 
 Prejump:
      Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just
      ahead of a bump.  Beginners can execute a controlled pre-fall
      just before losing their balance and, if they wish, may precede
      it with either a pre-scream and a few pre-groans or simple
      profanity.
 
 Shin:
      The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point
      where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness
      from the strained ankle begins.
 
 Ski!:
      A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the
      hill.  Another warning skiers should be familiar with is
      "Avalanche!" (which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the
      hill).
 
 Skier:
      One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.
 
 Stance:
      Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms
      straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands
      forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes
      a little crossed and darting in all directions.  Your lips should
      be quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Am I nuts or what?"
 
 Thor:
      The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.
 
 Traverse:
      To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple
      methods of reducing speed.
 
 Tree:
      The other method.
 
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