East Texas Etiquette                   
 
                                                                            
     
 
 PERSONAL HYGIENE
 While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
 be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
 
 Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
 However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
 
 Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
 tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger 
 foods.
 
 DINING OUT
 When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour
 slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
 
 If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
 fingers covering the label.
 
 ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
 A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
 taxidermist.
 
 Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good its
 manners are.
 
 DATING (Outside The Family)
 Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
 
 Be aggressive.  Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting
 to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall 
 two years ago."
 
 Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.  Some will
 say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, 
 it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
 
 THEATER ETIQUETTE
 Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
 immediately after the movie has ended.
 
 Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.  Tests have
 proven they can't hear you.
 
 WEDDINGS
 Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
 
 Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
 
 For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
 cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
 
 Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this
 special occasion.
 
 DRIVING ETIQUETTE
 Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is
 loaded, and the deer is in sight.
 
 When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
 tires always has the right of way.
 
 Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
 
 When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
 to ask her to bring back beer.
 
 Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
 driving.
 
 Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
 
 TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
 Never take a beer to a job interview.
 
 Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
 
 It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
 
 If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
 
 Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
 still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
 
 
 From: Ray

Wil Stark, wstark04 (at) pobox _dot_com

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