50 THINGS TO DO ON A FINAL EXAM,
               WHEN YOU KNOW THAT NO MATTER HOW
             WELL YOU DO ON THE EXAM, YOU WILL FAIL
 
 1.  Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
     minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some
     gibberish work.  Turn it in a few minutes early.
 
 2.  Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got
     the secret documents!!"
 
 3.  If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
     answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative.
     Use the integral symbol.
 
 4.  Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's
     left nostril.
 
 5.  Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate
     your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out,
     "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about
     what a jerk the instructor is.
 
 6.  Bring cheerleaders.
 
 7.  Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it,
     loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this.
     I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And
     who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
 
 8.  Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at
     max level.
 
 9.  On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way
     to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer
     this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious
     beliefs. Be creative.
 
 10.  Bring pets.
 
 11.  Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh
      of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have
      to leave the country" and run off.
 
 12.  Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers
      into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
      Christmas."  If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the
      exam.  Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every
      fifteen minutes.
 
 13.  Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
 
 14.  Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your
      head, and nothing else.
 
 15.  Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be
      as vulgar as possible.
 
 16.  Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one,
      make one up!  For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
 
 17.  Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking.
      Blame it on the person nearest to you.
 
 18.  As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
 
 19.  Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be
      taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor
      to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a
      percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
 
 20.  Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to
      another seat, continue with the exam.
 
 21.  Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk
      out, start commenting on how easy it was.
 
 22.  Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false.
      If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things
      (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
 
 23.  Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and
      answers completely blacked out.
 
 24.  Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
      violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly.
 
 25.  Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
      instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all
      leaving after one hour to go drink)
 
 26.  Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point
      during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
 
 27.  Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks
      why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that
      goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a
      clapper. DUH!"
 
 28.  Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
 
 29.  Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes,
      put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of
      the opera" until they drag you away.
 
 30.  Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know
      the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you
      if you belonged.  Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight
      for your right to take the exam.
 
 31.  Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say
      "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel?  Days
      of our Lives is on!!!"
 
 32.  Bring a water pistol with you.
 
 33.  From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore
      the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get
      you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to
      the Bridge on the River Kwai.
 
 34.  Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
 
 35.  If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs
      you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into
      most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to
     your own life story.
 
 36.  Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword
      and shield.
 
 37.  Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through
      the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have
      bad circulation.
 
 38.  Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious...
      like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not
      just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them
      to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes
      for references as you see fit."
 
 39.  When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
 
 40.  After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
      question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
 
 41.  One word: Wrestlemania.
 
 42.  Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like
      they do before concerts start.
 
 43.  Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
 
 44.  Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
 
 45.  Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to
      you.  Pray to it often.  Consider a small sacrifice.
 
 46.  Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc...
      sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
 
 47.  During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
      chairs, anything you can reach.
 
 48.  Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards
      at a 90 degree angle.
 
 49.  Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you
      are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the
      Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find
      the section on musical instruments during finals.  Don't forget
      to use the phrase "Told you so".
 
 50.  Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"

Wil Stark, wstark04 (at) pobox _dot_com

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