THIS IS AN ACTUAL ESSAY WRITTEN BY A COLLEGE APPLICANT.  THE AUTHOR,
 HUGH GALLAGHER, NOW ATTENDS NYU.
 
 3A. ESSAY
 IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE
 APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:  ARE THERE
 ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE
 REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
 
 Answer:
  I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.  I have
 been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more
 efficient in the area of heat retention.  I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban
 refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
 Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
 
  I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
 bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute
 Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and
 an outlaw in Peru.
 
  Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended
 a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.  I
 -play blugrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous
 documentaries.  When I'm bored, I build large suspensions bridges in  my yard.
 I enjoy urban hang gliding.  On Wednesdays, after school, I repair
 electrical applicances free of charge.
 
  I am an abstract artist, concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.  Critics
 worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.  I don't
 perspire.  I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.  I have been caller
 number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey
 with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400.
 
  My deft floral arrangements have earned my fame in internatiuonal
 botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving
 objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David
 Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room
 that evening.  I know the exact location of every food item in the
 supermarket.  I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I 
 sleep once a week: when I do sleep I sleep in a chair.  While on vacation 
 in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had 
 seized a small bakery.  The laws of physics do not apply to me.
 
  I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.  And
 to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.  Years ago I
 discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.  I have made
 extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.
 
   I breed prizewinning clams.  I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-
 diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.  I have
 played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with
 Elvis.
 
 But I have not yet gone to college.

Wil Stark, wstark04 (at) pobox _dot_com

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