What if people bought cars like they buy computers! 
 General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who 
 don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars the 
 way they buy computers --but imagine if they did...
 *********************************************************** 
 HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
 CUSTOMER:  "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing 
 happened!"
 HELPLINE:  "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?" 
 CUSTOMER:  "What's an ignition?"
 HELPLINE:  "It's a starter motor that draws current from your 
 battery and turns over the engine."
 CUSTOMER:  "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine?  How come I have 
 to know all of these technical terms just to use 
 my car?"
 *********************************************************** 
 HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
 CUSTOMER:  "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go 
 anywhere!"
 HELPLINE:  "Is the gas tank empty?" 
 CUSTOMER:  "Huh?  How do I know?"
 HELPLINE:  "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with 
 a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'.  Where 
 is the needle pointing?"
 CUSTOMER:  "I see an 'E' but no 'F'." 
 HELPLINE:  "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'. 
 CUSTOMER:  "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'. 
 HELPLINE:  "A 'V'?!?"
 CUSTOMER:  "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then 
 a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."
 HELPLINE:  "No, no, no sir!  That's the front of the car.
 When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's 
 the panel I'm talking about."
 CUSTOMER:  "That steering wheel thingy--  Is that the round 
 thing that honks the horn?"
 HELPLINE:  "Yes, among other things." 
 CUSTOMER:  "The needle's pointing to 'E'.  What does that mean?" 
 HELPLINE:  "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor 
 and purchase some more gasoline.  You can install 
 it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for 
 you."
 CUSTOMER:  "What?  I paid $12,000 for this car!  Now you tell 
 me that I have to keep buying more components?
 I want a car that comes with everything built in!" 
 *********************************************************** 
 HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
 CUSTOMER:  "Your cars suck!"
 HELPLINE:  "What's wrong?"
 CUSTOMER:  "It crashed, that's what went wrong!" 
 HELPLINE:  "What were you doing?"
 CUSTOMER:  "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the
 accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. 
 It worked for a while, and then it crashed
 -- and now it won't even start up!" 
 HELPLINE:  "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility 
 if you misuse the product."
 CUSTOMER:  "Misuse it?  I was just following this damned 
 manual of yours.  It said to make the car
 go to put the transmission in 'D' and press 
 the accelerator pedal.  That's exactly what 
 I did --now the damn thing's crashed."
 HELPLINE:  "Did you read the entire operator's manual 
 before operating the car sir?"
 CUSTOMER:  "What?  Of course I did!  I told you I did 
 EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't 
 work!"
 HELPLINE:  "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you 
 wouldn't crash?"
 CUSTOMER:  "How do you do THAT?"
 HELPLINE:  "You said you read the entire manual, sir. 
 It's on page 14.  The pedal next to the 
 accelerator."
 CUSTOMER:  "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and 
 read this manual you know."
 HELPLINE:  "Of course not.  What do you expect us to do 
 about it?"
 CUSTOMER:  "I want you to send me one of the latest
 versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!" 
 *********************************************************** 
 HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
 CUSTOMER:  "Hi!  I just bought my first car, and I chose
 your car because it has automatic transmission, 
 cruise control, power steering, power brakes,
 and power door locks." 
 HELPLINE:  "Thanks for buying our car.  How can I help you?" 
 CUSTOMER:  "How do I work it?"
 HELPLINE:  "Do you know how to drive?" 
 CUSTOMER:  "Do I know how to what?" 
 HELPLINE:  "Do you know how to DRIVE?" 
 CUSTOMER:  "I'm not a technical person!  I just want to go 
 places in my car!"
 
 From: Aviv

Wil Stark, wstark04 (at) pobox _dot_com

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