So, your crush on the bass player from Vibrating Sandbox has finally
 died a whimpering death and you're wondering where to go from here.
 All the sinister dudes are either dating a series of interchangeable
 high-school riot girls in baby doll dresses and an overdose of manic
 panic, or permanently shacked up with some bitter old lady who pays
 all the bills.  Which will it be, a wifely prison or a humiliating one
 night stand?  Into this void of potential mates comes a man you may not
 have considered before, a man of substance, quietude and stability, a
 cerebral creature with a culture all his own.  In short, a geek.
 
 
 Why Geek Dudes Rule
 
     They are generally available.
 
     Other women will tend not to steal them.
 
     They can fix things.
 
     Your parents will love them.
 
     They're smart.
 
 
 Where The Geek Dude Lurks
 
 While they are often into alternative music, geek dudes tend not to go
 to shows too often.  Instead you'll find them hanging out with their
 friends, discussing the latest hardware revolution or perfecting their
 Bill Gates impressions.  You know how some people wear t-shirts with
 their favorite bands on them, thus showing that they went to certain
 shows?  Well, geek dudes wear t-shirts with the logos of different
 software companies on them, thus showing that they are up on the
 latest, um, releases.  A small, though convivial, rivalry may be
 detected here amongst the geek dudes.  Try wearing one yourself and see
 if he strikes up a conversation.
 
 Of course the best way to meet a geek dude is through the Internet.
 All geeks harbor a secret fantasy about meeting some girl in
 cyberspace, carrying on an e-mail romance in which he has the chance
 to combine an activity he is comfortable with, computing, with one he
 is very uncomfortable with, socializing.  To many geek dudes,
 cyberdating is just an advanced form of some kind of video game, but
 they are frustrated by a lack of players.  Their lack is your strength.
 
 
 Imprinting
 
 You might notice that these men harbor some strange ideas about how
 the world works and some particularly strange ideas about women.  There
 is a reason for this.  Because they've had limited interpersonal
 experience, geek dudes must look elsewhere for behavior models.
 Lacking a real world social milieu, geeks often go through a
 transference stage with such narratives, and try to model their
 interactions on them.  Thus, certain media images and themes come to
 have an overly cathected, metaphorized reality to them, while the rest
 of us view such programming as mere entertainment.  Case in point, our
 next topic...
 
 
 The Trek factor
 
 If you're not up on your Star Trek, you can forget about getting or
 keeping a geek dude.  And I'm not just talking vintage-era Captain Kirk
 and Spock either.  You've got to be up on your The Next Generation,
 your Deep Space Nine, your Babylon 5.  Armed with your own knowledge of
 Federation policies, you can better gauge when and how to act.  The
 sexual politics of Star Trek are pretty blunt: the men run the
 technology and the ship, and the women are caretakers (a doctor and a
 counselor).  Note the sexual tensions on the bridge of the Enterprise:
 the women, in skin tight uniforms, and with luxuriant, flowing hair.
 The men, often balding, and sporting some sort of permanently attached
 computer auxiliary.  This world metaphorizes the fantasies of the geek
 dude, who sees himself in the geeky-but-heroic male officers and who
 secretly desires a sexy, smart, Deanna or Bev to come along and
 deferentially accept him for who he is.  If you are willing to accept
 that this is his starting point for reality, you are ready for a geek
 relationship.
 
 
 Once You've Nabbed Him
 
 Of course, catching that geek guy is only half the battle.  Keeping him
 by your side is another story altogether.  I was privileged to speak
 with Miss Victoria Maat, who not only got herself a geek guy but was
 also clever enough to marry him just a few short months ago.  She
 interrupted her newlywed bliss to give us a few tips on the care and
 feeding of a geek man:
 
 Geeks are sensitive and caring lovers and husbands.  If you can hang
 with the techno-lifestyle, they make the best mates.  They are the most
 attractive people, not flashy or hunky, but the kind who get cuter and
 more alluring over time (I told you she was a newlywed).  Definitely
 give geeks a chance.
 
 
 Geek Cuisine
 
 Geeks tend towards packaged, junk foods since they prefer to work and
 think and aren't all that into cooking for themselves.  Make sure that
 your geek understands that you are not merely a replicator, and
 provide him with home cooked food.  A batch of chocolate chip cookies
 will let him know that you love him.  You do have to monitor your geek
 for weight gain; however, remember that most of their days are spent
 sitting and staring at a monitor.
 
 
 Geek Lifestyle
 
 The geek dude has long work habits and tends to bring his work home
 with him.  He seems permanently connected to his hard disk.  You must
 at least appear interested in his work.  Generally, a solid
 understanding of the computer is a must; if you cannot master this,
 you should at least be able to talk the talk.  Remember most geeks are
 anal and they get stressed about details which appear insignificant.
 Be understanding, put on your best Deanna Troi face (see above) and
 empathize.
 
 To relax, geeks love to play the latest computer games.  Let him play
 Myst or Chuck Yeager's Air Combat for hours if he wants to.  Act
 concerned if he's stuck or has just been ambushed by three MiGs.  My
 geek loves to try to help people on the Internet who say that they are
 stuck in Myst.  He comes up with clever riddles instead of directing
 them point blank.  Geeks also like to go to sci-fi and Japanese
 animated movies, again, a basically harmless vent for your man.
 
 
 Geek Buddies
 
 Many geeks extend their work friendships into what they jokingly refer
 to as RL (Real Life, also known as "that big room with the ceiling
 that is sometimes blue and sometimes black with little lights").  The
 greatest thing about your geek's buddies is that you can feel secure
 in setting them up with your girlfriends.  They may feel awkward
 around females at first, so don't overwhelm them.  In time they will
 come out of their shell and realize that you are into the same things
 they are.
 
 
 Post-It Note
 
 I thank Victoria for the above advice.  I must say that when she read
 my draft of the piece, before writing her section, she asked her
 husband which one he thought she was more like, Deanna or Beverly.
 Howard, the devil, immediately replied that he had always thought
 Victoria was actually most like Ensign Ro Laren, a cute character with
 a slight authority problem who is always had trouble (this is fairly
 apt).  This exchange is interesting for several reasons:
 
     Howard had already thought about who she was most like.
 
     He could summon up characters from seasons past with ease.
 
     Victoria actually knew who he meant.
 
     Folks, I think this marriage will last.
 
 
 One Last Thing
 
 Because they have been so abused and ignored by society, many geeks
 have gone underground.  You may actually know some and just haven't
 noticed them.  They often feel resentful, and misunderstood, and it is
 important to realize this as you grow closer to them.  Don't ever try
 to force the issue, or make crazy demands that he choose between his
 computer and you.  Remember, his computer has been there for him his
 whole life; you are a new interloper he hasn't quite grasped yet.
 
 Geek dudes thrive on mystery and love challenges and intellectual
 puzzles.  Don't you consider yourself one?  Wouldn't you like a little
 intellectual stimulation or your own?  We thought so.
 

Wil Stark, wstark04 (at) pobox _dot_com

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