For Once

For the first time in my life
I actually miss her

The person who I tried so hard to get away from
Fighting and biting madly
Like a wounded animal
I now look sadly back upon in reflection
I was afraid
But now I find that fear unfounded
And curse my stupidity
My callousness, my defeat

Dammit, how could I do that

I gave up something I didn't even have
I gave away something that could have been
And I never thought twice
Until now
The things I dislike about her
Only make me want her more
She's nothing
But I have never wanted more of it in my life

What is it that's making me now see
Making me now feel
The rough leather sensation
Biting my lip
Clenching my teeth
Closing my eyes
Fighting it back
Feeling it seep in, anyway
It must have been there all along
I guess I just didn't know
I guess I shoved it away
But how conscious was that?
How logical was that?
Automatically rejecting an Unhappy Ending
Like not even wanting to watch
A sad movie
That could turn out positive after all

But now I'm just fantasizing
Or was I before?