My Stories

2a1. Dinghy and Dweasel

"A fool and his money are soon partying." -Dweasel da Weasel, "Uprise"

"Are these your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage." -The waitress, "Dinghy and Dweasel Get A Job"

"Eagles are highly overrated. Weasels fly just as eagles do, only weasels don't get sucked into jet engines." -Dweasel da Weasel, "Uprise"

"OKAY! Digest my bodily organs!" -Dweasel, "Dinghy and Dweasel Get A Job"

"Some people make things happen, some people watch things happen, and some people wonder, 'What happened?'" -Dweasel, "Uprise"

"Grammar? Who needs grammar?" -Dinghy da Otter

"'Normal' is only a setting on your dryer." -Dweasel, "Uprise"

"What? This from the guy who gets horny at the sight of a bagel?" -Dinghy, to Dweasel

"Oh! I'm sorry, was that YOUR thermo-nuclear detonator?" -Dweasel da Weasel

"I am the essence of overconfidence! I am speculation, adventure; the spirit of pursuit; the stag howling for its winsome yet anonymous mate. I am the love call of evolution; the perfume and color of the flowers as they offer their pollen to the gentle buzz of the bees. I am sex itself, gentlemen. I am life. I am appetite!" -Dweasel, quoting Hawkeye Pierce

2a2. Sonic Stories

"Well, that just about takes the cake, platter and tablecoth." -Jakkon the Fox

"Just forget it. All I am is roadkill on the road of life." -Colin the Hedgehog

"So you're named Pounce? What, you a cat or somethin'?" -Derek J. Echidna

"Maybe he's constipated." -Colin the Hedgehog

"I love you! Just thought I'd embarrass you outright!" -Cher Echidna

"Practice makes perfect, so be careful what you practice." -Jakkon the Fox

"Age is just a number . . ." -Chaos, "Evil Returns"

"If you're happy and you know it, clank your chains! " -Jakkon, "Undercover"

2a3. Happy Hamsters in Hell

"There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, don't we all?" -Steve Monak, on human psychology

"Anger is never without reason, but seldom with a good one." -Steve Monak, on human psychology

"You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track." -Jim the Redneck, "Happy Hamsters in Hell"

"Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure." -Steve Monak, on human psychology

"Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics." -Steve Monak, on human psychology

"Good judgement comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgement." -Steve Monak, on human psychology

"Hi! Welcome to Hell, where you don't chew the gum, the gum chews you!" -A hamster taskmaster, "Happy Hamsters in Hell"

2a4. Dome Wars

"There's no chance that's going to hit me. Oh, sh*t." -Marchaka, "Dome Wars"

"Crap, crap, crap." -Marchaka, "Dome Wars"

"That was stupid. That was just . . . stupid. I mean, I've seen stupid, but that was . . . wow. Just . . . wow. That was STUPID." -Marchaka, upon shooting himself accidently

"Let's try to look at this from a positive point of view. You piss me off." -Dweasel, "Dome Wars"

"Well, if you had been where I was aiming, it would have been I good shot." -Marchaka, "Dome Wars"

"Cupid's gonna kick Hitler's butt!" -Nziz, on Cyborg names

"Worship the floating skittles!" -Nziz, on Antigravity

"Screw your skittles." -Dweasel, on Nziz's ships (that looked like skittles)

2a5. The Warcraft Alliance

"I am the only one on my side, and damned if those aren't the kind of odds I like." -Lord Dathius, "Episode III: Judgement"

"Stop screaming and tell me what's going on!" -Lord Dathius, Episode IV "Clan Wars"

"Reality killed the cat." -Genius, Episode IV "Clan Wars"

"Actually, I refer to it as being 'vertically challenged.' " -Tad'allowmar the Dwarf, Episode V "Public Relations"

2a6. Others

"Everybody makes mistakes. Just some are a lot stupider than others." -Louis Davidson, "Myself"

"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor." -Dave the Wino, "His Life"

"Little human, if you continue this, you shall discover that the term 'heat of battle' is usually a metaphor . . ." -R'chaka the Dragon, "Day of the Dragons"

"To err is human, to forgive....$5.00" -Father Williams, "Hell in the Church"

"The lord works in mysterious ways. Unfortunately, so does the IRS." -Father Williams, "Hell in the Church"

"If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Check it again." -Overseer Masaask, "Irradication"

"Evil is "live" spelled backwards." -A Mage, "Vengeance"

"The worst thing about being a depraved pirate is having to work with a bunch of depraved pirates." -Orlando the Axe, "Orlando the Axe"

"Note to self: next time, breed son with thinner skull." -Sam, "Sam and Johnson"

"What good is a really bad reputation if no one knows about it?" -Kelly, "Weekend at Kelly's"

2b. Published Books

"A marksman is one who shoots first, and whatever he hits, he calls the target." -Dafydd the Archer, "The Dragon Knight"

"Dirty married bachelor!" -Toni, "The Cactus Flower"

"The Pfhor are slightly distracted. I've been introducing them to the magic of orbital bombardment." -Durandal, "Marathon 2"

"Let's hope this world's secrets are hidden in its bowels." -Durandal, "Marathon 2"

"Gods, give me patience and give it to me NOW." -Diana Tregarde, "Jinx High"

"There is no such thing as evil, only misguided good." -The Archpriest, "Oathbound"

"In all my years in Llanowar I never understood where trees fit in. They are revered by elves and watered on by dogs." -Mirri, "The Rath Cycle"

"The guard is dead. He tasted awful." -Brighttooth, "The Enemy of My Enemy"

"Irrevocable commitment to any religion is not only intellectual suicide; it is positive unfaith because it closes the mind to any new vision of the world. Faith is, above all, open-ness . . . an act of trust in the unseen." -Alan Watts, "The Book"

"No relation." -Aahz, "Another Fine Myth"

"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way." -Huckleberry Fin, "Huck Finn"

2c. Other People's Stories

"The captain poked him in the chest with a finger. It wasn't a nice finger." -Unknown Story Excerpt

"Soon the incantation was done and with the men only inches away, it really couldn't be much closer. They crashed into the magical wall, one after the other. They were puzzled at first, and it was like watching cavemen figure out a toaster. They poked it, prodded it, knocked on it. For the moment, Jack was forgotten." -Quote from Modern Magics

"Even though the griffins seemed to be several fathoms away, they still moved more swiftly than I, and in a moment I was plucked adroitly from the hillside and in the air. Obviously, I did not continue with the motion of drawing my sword, because I have heard that death by slamming into the ground is quite unpleasant." -Quote from The Rune Blade

"Time is Evil, Nature is a whore, Reality is master, Infinite, Evermore..." -From the Book of Geonega Chapter 13, Section 9

"People of the mountain, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chains!" -Lahaime, vigilante, "Mercadian Masques"

"So here is my completed masterpiece! What do you honestly think?" -Bert

*stares* "Bert, that's a crotch. A really, really big crotch." -Torg

"My world is a crotch!" -Bert

"The only natural resources in Russia are ice and vodka." -Scott, at Cisco

"I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either." -Mr. Nugent, History Teacher

"Don't sniff that!" -Chemistry Professor

"If you didn't have problems, you wouldn't need people around to help solve them. Conversely, if you didn't have people around, maybe you wouldn't have problems." -Mr. O 'Conner, Math Teacher

"The trouble with people is their trouble with people." -Kathy Hadden, Vice Principal

"It'll feel good when it stops hurting." -Mr. Muelrath, English Teacher

"Enjoy life . . . This is not a rehearsal." -Mr. Stadum, Drama Teacher

"Hey, that's nature. You don't like it, die." -Mr. Stadum, to Katie Peters

"Sit down, shut up and smile." -Mrs. Brown

"That . . . was not in the script." -Mr. Stadum, Drama Teacher

"Maybe we should call each other once a week and rule his life." -Mrs. Peterson on the phone, about Mr. Klug

"I'm not giving you any more class pencils for the test. You have stolen 138 from me this year. I had 144 when I started. Now I have 6." -Mr. Goodhart, Biology Teacher

"I can go down to the dock and see a barnacle or a shell or something stuck to one of the piers and I'll just stand there staring at it, thinking: 'Wow. Life sucks for you slimy guys.'" -Mr. Goodheart, Biology Teacher

"No, we can't just observe life and how beautiful it is, can we? Let's kill it! Let's put it up on the wall!" -Ms. Davies, about hunters

"Words mean nothing. Words are merely saliva and air. One you swallow and the other disappears." -Mr. Nugent, History Teacher

"In Austrailia, they have a rabbit problem. Yes, a rabbit problem. There are around 200 to 300 million rabbits there that are destroying all the vegetation. Before you open your mouth, yes. Rabbit Revolution." -Mr. Goodheart, Biology Teacher

"The cheese is not jalepeno cheese. The milk is not jalepeno milk." -Michael Barbee

"Yes! Maturity comes through!" -Marc, running around waving his arms after winning a badminton match against Derek

"I think we both won the game. Only I had more points." -Marc, after a badminton game

"Ooh, something stinks. Where's that dog?" -Grandpa Del

"Anything is better with mayonnaise." -Michael Barbee

"Sharon, thank you for having a birthday and giving us an excuse to eat cake." -Aunt Kathy

"I don't know what it is with preachers and bad hair. They all sem to have it." -Michael Barbee

"I don't know. I can't think of many blue foods that are good." -Michael Barbee

"I love Tomb Raider. Never before have I had such control over a woman." -Uncle Bill

"I love Tomb Raider. Never before have I had such control over a woman." -Uncle Bill

"Nice earring. She kinda missed." -Michael Barbee, about an eyebrow ring

"In screenplays, you always need something that makes you laugh and something that blows up." -Michael Barbee, on writing a movie

"Let me get this straight. Dreyers beat Hagen-Das in a taste test because Dreyers is cheaper ? Oh, it 'tastes expensive.'" -Uncle Marc

"Serving should not be the hardest part of the game." -Michael Barbee, playing badminton

"It is the 22nd of June, Tuesday, the year 19 . . . whatever . . ." -Michael Barbee

"Don't truck drivers have some strange condition that makes their butts all weird? You know, like orangatans. That's the thing I don't like about going to the zoo. You're standing there in front of the cage and then suddenly: 'Aw, man. Turn around.'" -Michael Barbee

"A patient of mine was having a problem with her neck, so while I was looking at it, I noticed a weird, horizontal scar running along the back of her neck. I ask what it was from, and she said it was from her face lift. I'm thinking: 'This is not her face.'" -Sharon Barbee

"Rule Number 1 of driving: everyone wants to go faster than you." -Michael Barbee

Mara

"Yay for pots." -Mara Barbee

"They're HUGGING. Rappers don't DO that." -Mara

"The main character in Tomb Raider is pretty much Cindy Crawford meets Indiana Jones." -Mara

"Well, today was a complete waste of immortality." -Marlynn

"Every day you're alive, you're risking your life. What does it matter where?" -Marlynn

"Everybody needs a good obsession. It keeps life interesting." -Marlynn

"Everybody learns something about life after living that long; what they learn is different for everyone." -Marlynn, on immortals

"Okay, this a weird performance. It looks like a circus." -Mara, on Ricky Martin's Grammy Perfomance

"[This picture is a] Christmas present for my brother; it's one of his characters, Falyxron. I'm pretty sure he got that name by placing his head on the keyboard and rolling it side-to-side." -Mara

Me

"This is to Lady Wolfette, who bookmarked my guestbook instead of my page." -Derek James B.

"What? Bubba has nothing to do with this!" -Derek James B. (very audibly, at a school counsel) (Sound File)

"Let me introduce you to someone. This is Mr. Step. He goes up, he goes down. He doesn't go through." -Derek, to James

"I'm getting another wisdom tooth. I'm smart, but I'm sore." -Derek

"I'm slippery. In wrestling, you have to be prepared for slippery opponents." -Coach Derek, to James

"Kill me. Just kill me. Any time you're ready. Ow." -Derek James B. (Sound File)

"This is a note to Dinghy. Just so you know, the burping cult that Dweasel joined is over." -Derek

"Congratulations. You just won the idiot award." -Derek James B.

"May cows rain from the sky on your head!" -Derek

"Well, our band name now isn't so bad. Originally I wanted it to be The Mighty Snowmen of Doom." *shrugs* -Derek

"Did you see the guestbook? It loves when people sign it!" -Derek James B.

"It's a fact that the people who snore the loudest will fall asleep first." -Derek, at a sleepover

"Oatmeal Barbie, now you can eat her, too!" -Derek, elaborating on his last name

"The miracles of modern technology have brought us . . . the nerf bagel." -Derek

"That would have been a killer shot if it had made it over the net." -Derek, playing badminton

"I'm going to wake up precisely at 8:30 tomorrow. So's Mara, in the next room. I set my watch." -Derek

"Yeah, Colin, I wet my shirt." -Derek

*incredulously* "Drain the lizard?!?!? Oh, that has gotta be the WORST motto . . ." -Derek, on a Sobe Elixir commercial

"If it says mini, that means it's not big." -Derek

"Look at that! She's got cow eyes, I swear!" -Derek, watching the "Kiss Me" music video

"Isn't it a great color combination? I think I'll call it . . . 'Barf on a Bad Day.'" -Derek, looking down at his puke orange colored pants, bright blue shirt and army color shoes

"Did you know that some of the chemicals in cigarettes are arsenic, hydrogen cyanide, a chemical they use to kill fleas and clean toilets? Not that you're interested." -Derek, to Brujah

"Okay, I usually understand the fluttery language, but WHAT?" -Derek, to Drac

"It's not that I've decided to keep it, it's that I don't know how to get rid of it." -Derek, to Yarou

"There were a few things I was gonna do. Huh. I wonder what they were." -Derek

"That's so evil, it's funny." -Derek, about a Magic: the Gathering Card

"I'm a very electric kinda guy. I just got static shock from petting a cat." -Derek

"The people at that Tournament were incredible. First game I play, the other guy goes first, takes one look at his hand and makes a noise halfway between a laugh and an owch. Then he wows. He turns around and taps a guy on the shoulder. 'Hey, look at this hand.' The other guy starts laughing. When my opponent turns around, he's grinning. 'Ready?' he asks, all nice and polite. The game was downhill from there." -Derek, about a Magic: the Gathering Tournament

"If you call it an old man's hat, I will beat you over the head with it." -Derek, to Briana

"I feel like Derek in Wonderland." -Derek, in the Hidden Realm (this started an idea for a new story)

"This is one of those times where I tell myself this can't possibly get any worse. This is one of those times where I'm wrong." -Derek

"I think my mom's a little miffed about my priorities. The NRA is trying to allow anybody who wants a gun to be able to get one without a license or anything. The second she told me that, I commented that it would increase hunting." -Derek

"Have a seat. Pull up a ham." -Derek, at the TimeWarp Deli

"Oh, no. There's a cyberslug webring." -Derek

"Your World Famous Mp3's? Oh, give me a break. Which world would that be?" -Derek, to Nate Season

"Did you know that the bible tells you not to 'discover your father's skirt?' Oh, that sounds bad." -Derek, reading Deuteronomy, Chapter 22

"If you put a slug in a dress, it's still a slug." -Derek

*bites a peach and blinks as it crunches* "Wow. Scientists have finally crossed a peach with a brick." -Derek

*tiny voice* "My hair shrunk in the wash . . . wait . . . no, just my head." -Derek, imitating Carli

"I have a very computer-literate friend who knows how to program and is afraid of internet fraud and hackers. He set his computer so whenever Netscape pops up a window asking if he wants to accept a cookie, it plays a sound file from Limp Bizkit's 'Nookie.' (I did it all for the nookie, so you can take that cookie, and stick it up your yeah!)" -Derek

"My cousin, the camel anti-christ." -Derek, at Thanksgiving

"Fortune Cookies are like Edible Astronomy . . ." -Derek

"Macho people should all go out to some remote spot in the desert and kill each other." -Derek

"You are the only person I know that flushes the toilet and laughs." -Derek, to Sharon

"It amuses me that men with orders to shoot people can be called a 'peace-keeping' force." -Derek, watching the news

"Do something for the camera. Anything, come on. Ah! Not that, you crazy ***hole!" -Derek

Josh

"There's no such thing as a small whale!" -Josh, protesting a science video in class

"May you suffer the death of a thousand penguins!" -Josh Hogstrom

"Crabs are basically just big insects." -Josh Hogstrom

"So, let me get this straight. On the other end of this line, you're nekkid?" -Josh Hogstrom

"Looks like you, only fuzzier." -Josh Hogstrom

"I leave things disconnected. It's my style." -Josh the Artist

"No! My kidney stone!" -Josh Hogstrom

"Now hurry up or you lose the other nostril." -Josh, to Nate

"You created your own downfall. You suck." -Josh, about Derek creating a Magic: the Gathering deck for someone else

*laughs maniacly* "I am a god! You can't kill me! I am . . . dead." -Dinghy, playing Unreal Tournament

"It's bad if you find bloodstains on your karate clothes. It's really bad if you don't know who's blood it is." -Josh

"Give me a hug, I'm contagious!" -Josh

Nate

"Capital M . . . P . . . ummm . . . capital 3 . . ." -Nate Klug

"People who hide out in Wal-Mart are hella sick, dude!" -Nate

"I went paintballing once. I looked over a wall and got shot in the face. I crouch back down next to my partner and I can't see. I'm all: 'Damn.'" -Nate

"Hey! What are you eating? Aah! No! Don't eat the deck!" -Nate, to the dog

Colin

"Anyway, I was saying . . . Mom, no. I don't care about your shoes. Go away. I mean that he . . . would you just? Come on, Mom! OW! She hit me! What's your problem? *pauses* Oh. My shoes are untied." -Colin, on the phone

"I used to take my anger out on other people. Now I save it for sports. When I play sports, I have a hit list." -Colin Glassman

"I'm Italian and I'm Jewish. Hey! A Godfather Rabbi!" -Colin

"Ha! Chicks? In Newport? No way. The only chicks in Newport are Tourists!" -Colin

"Ow. My head hurts. I had to study for days just for my permit test. i don't ever want to learn again." -Colin

"Yeah, my first concert was a George Throughgood Concert. The second he started he started playing 'Bad to the Bone,' everybody started having an orgasm. It was damn weird." -Colin Glassman

Garet

"If you are wondering what that last message was about, I will tell you I was sniffing an ink pen. Ooo, I can't talk right now, the ink is calling me." -Garet Marchington (Psycho the Rat)

Frank

"Arcada is a nice place, as long as you don't meet anyone." -Frank Dollar

"I'm not prejudice, I just hate everybody." -Frank Dollar, quoting W.C. Fields

"I hope we didn't have any homework, because I didn't do any." -Frank Dollar

"I don't know about this idea of following in my father's footsteps. He has kinda big feet." -Frank Dollar

"I find rap kind of similar to blues, except instead of saying "baby," you gotta say "b*tch." -Frank

"I wonder if celebrities go to hell." -Frank

"Surf? I can't even ride a skateboard!" -Frank

"Wanna know how we they get ugly people out of the gene pool? They draw straws. I lost. I have to marry you." -Frank, to Derek

"If I had a gun in the first grade, I probably would have gotten the crap beaten out of me." -Frank, commenting on Derek's Writing on School Violence

Ashley

"You can't go wrong with a band named fuzzbubble." -Ashley Mills

"He's me. With magic." Ashley, about Robbie

"Is he trying to hotwire the tree?" *looks again* "Naaah . . ." -Ashley Mills

"Turn on your tv to MTV now. A refridgerator is humping a stove." -Ashley Mills

"Ummm . . . my mom is repeatedly squeezing the curtains and yelling: 'Die die die.' This doesn't look good." -Ashley Mills

"Oh, my god, they've got a Mutalisk. Mutalisks are ugly SOBs, aren't there?" -Ashley Mills

*holds up 20 pieces of licorice and grins evilly* "It's gonna be a good day . . ." -Ashley Mills

"New, Rabid Barbie! Realistic Foaming Action!" -Ashley Mills, elaborating on Derek's last name

"I'm a comic genius in my own mind. Too bad the voices in my head don't laugh." -Ashley Mills

"Have you seen the Nine Inch Nails video "Into the Void"? You learn WAY more than you needed to know about Trent Reznor." -Ashley Mills

"What? I'm gonna come over there and beat you, dude! Or, worse, I'll send Nate over there to break your couch!" -Ashley, on the phone

"Ugh. This book sucks. I've been reading it for ten minutes, and I have a headache already. You're laughing, I'm serious." -Ashley, on the phone

"I liked the end of The Faculty. A naked evil chick wandering around." -Ashley

"See, you have dinner at a pretty much set time. I have dinner whenever they feed me." -Ashley

"Reggae's cool, but it kinda pisses me off. Every song is either about weed or God. I've never been a really big fan of either." -Ashley, at the Reggae Festival

Chris

"Yeah, last night I was at work at the pool. The snack shack was locked, and they didn't give us the key. I guess they don't trust us. So we had to break in." -Chris

Others

"This is the sacred Greenguy. If you are not nice, he will slobber all over you." -Matt H.

"B.F.F does NOT stand for Big Fat Furry!" -Wendy Marie Brace

"AAAAAAAWHADDAYAMEANI'MEDGY!?!?!" -Lady Wolfette

"Happy Birthday, FyreStreak! Do you like your cake extra crispy?" -R'chaka the Dragon

"I love you too, match breath." -FyreStreak, to R'chaka

"What do you get if you cross an iceberg with the Titanic? Halfway." -Moana Zulpilip

"If I put a bomb in the school, I'd put it in the meatloaf. *nods firmly* I don't like meatloaf." -Maria Van Gelder

"Spritegiveme! No . . ." -Darren Garner

"She died! And she got it RIGHT! Standing ovation!" -Momo, on mIRC

"Ever heard of Lorraina Bobbit? You've never seen me on a true suger-high. Be afraid." -Lady Wolfette

"BazFaz? BAZFAZ? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU WROTE THAT??!?!?!? NOW, THANKS TO YOU AND YOUR BAZFAZ, THEY'RE AFTER ME!!!!!!! YES, YOU KNOW WHO THEY ARE! THANKS A LOT LITTLE MR. HOTSIE TOTSIE!!!!!! Thank you for your time. -Matt (This was an actual E-Mail to me)

"He doesn't trust you. He's smart." -Antanacio Chavez

"Don't argue with me. I'm right. Always." -Carli Kaufman

"I'm nice for an axe murderer." -Mandy Lloyd

"I have an ingrown hair problem." *screams* "My hair is touching my brain!" -Jason Woodall

*pondering* "It must be hard to yell in French." -Aaron

"Dude, don't have a garden burger!" -JT, talking to a vegetarian

"You're a freak, honey." -Briana, to her boyfriend

"And the movie totally didn't make sense. Gavvin and I look at each other and say: 'We're gonna have to see this sober.'" -Briana

"I go to school with some of the most apathetic people in the world." -Kori

"Don't call me Grandpa, dammit! I'll choke you with your spleen!" -Erik Allo

"It is as it seems
as it seems not to be
not to be as it seems
for that's all it may be" -Chelsea Whittaker, "Two Faced Coin"

"Things will get better, or so I've been told." -Wendy

"What? You can't do that! Don't even think about it! I know where you live, I'm there!" -Allison, at Carli's house

6a1. Our Laws

"The more you have to go to the bathroom, the further away it is." -Frank's Law

"It's always Nate's fault." -Josh's Law

"Whatever it is, I didn't do it." -Nate's Law

"If they do something odd, I do not know them." -Derek's Law

"If it blows up, I want it." -Garet's Law

"If you don't headbang, you lose half the fun of the concert." -Colin's Law

"The military always has more fancy toys than you know about." -Chris's Law

"If it's illegal and fun, I've done it." -Dweasel's Law

"If it contains fish, I've eaten it." -Dinghy's Law

"If it comes back, we'll hit it again." -Jason's Law

"Gimme the bird." -A thug, "Animaniacs"

"Sorry, we can't. This is a children's show." -Yakko Warner, "Animaniacs"

"Mr. Penguin . . . his quack is law . . ." -The Narrator

"Penguins don't quack!" -Nate Klug

"Yes, they do." -The Narrator

"Yeah, our band name. At first, we thought, hey! Cool! We're the BareNaked Ladies! Because back when you're 18, you like anything with naked in it." -Guy from BareNaked Ladies

*raises hand* "I still like naked stuff . . ." -Other Guy from BareNaked Ladies

"Keeping up foreign relations? You know? Giving him the bird?" -Maverick, "Hot Shots"

"You know? The finger?" *shows her the finger* -Goose, "Hot Shots"

"Yes, Goose. I know the finger." -Charlie, "Hot Shots"

*lowers middle finger* "Oh. Sorry. Hate it when it does that." -Goose, "Hot Shots"

"Say, do you suppose that MIG-17 is friendly?" -Bomb Bro 1

*watches a missle fly past* "I guess not." -Bomb Bro 2

"Mr. 'O Conner! Derek's being schitzophrenic again!" -Josselyn Vadnais

"Objection, your honor! We are not!" -Derek

"Two stupid people don't make a smart one." -Vanessa Cardona

"If you stir 'em up just right, it does!" -Chris Faurot

"What time is it?" -Derek

"Um . . . 9:39 pm . . ." -Mara

"Hamster time." -Derek

"Frank, help us with this math problem!" -Amy Harmeson

"I already gave you a hint!" -Frank Dollar

"'NO' isn't a hint!" -Amy Harmeson

"Don't forget, I live in New Zealand, where sheep outnumber people 4 to 1." -Moana Zulpilip

"YES! Sheep revolution!" -Derek

"Was that the solo?" -Derek, playing guitar

"No, it was puke." -Marc, playing guitar

"Well, it sounded professional." -Derek, playing guitar

"It twiddled right over." -Michael Barbee, playing badminton

"Is twiddling legal?" -Mara Barbee, playing badminton

"If it twiddles, it twiddles." -Derek, playing badminton

"You have two dogs with their attention riveted on you. What did you do to deserve that?" -Sharon Barbee

"I ate a carrot." -Derek

"You have to brush and floss your teeth, because the no one else is going to do it for you." -Grandma Pat

"I thought the government was supposed to do that." -Michael Barbee

"Hurry, up, Josh. . . the MUCK just looped . . . my immortaility is wearing off . . . my armor is going out of style . . . you have grandkids!" -Derek, waiting for Josh

"Alright I'm done!" -Josh

"So according to the religion, when you die, you wait for God to call on you. The graveyard is like a waiting room, except you get eaten by worms." -Crystal Lloyd

"That would suck!" -Derek

"I am under my power!" -Arch-Mage Derek, "TimeScape"

"Would that be abuse of power, or just plain weird?" -Nechlore Shade, "TimeScape"

"I call it food for freedom, sir." -Corporal Klinger, "M*A*S*H"

"I call it death by salami. Get out of my office." -Colonel Potter, "M*A*S*H"

"There's a man in your pocket." -Derek, KGEP Newscaster

"Yeah . . . so?" -Josh, KGEP Newscaster

"Why?" -Derek, KGEP Newscaster

"All trolls are big." -Sinasilver, "TimeScape"

"Except for the little ones." -Derek, "TimeScape"

*looks at the movie* "More killing and violence, eh?" -Michael Barbee

"Please. It's 'natural selection.'" -Derek

"sorry for not capitalizing, but i'm in a hurry." -Derek, "TimeScape"

"Well Thats Your Problem. I Still Capitalize, Even If I'm In A Hurry." -Robbie, "TimeScape"

"But You Suck." -Derek, "TimeScape"

"I liked 'Eyes Wide Shut.' And Nicole Kidman's dress was SO pretty!" -Jeannette

"When she was wearing it..." -Derek

"Being a creature of ice, I take double damage from fire . . . triple damage in wereform if the fire effect is delivered by a silver object." -Sansuki, "TimeScape"

"Like what? A flaming spoon?" -Derek, "TimeScape"(Sound File)

"Champagne, sir?" -A Waiter

"Is it free?" -Pee Wee Herman

*irritably* "Why didn't you just chain all the furniture to my body during my nap?" -The Warthog Captain, Unknown Story

"Because then I would have to arrest you for impersonating an office, sir." -Moonstalker, Unknown Story

"What's gronk?" -Derek, "TimeScape"

"GRONK! is a power of existence... wheresoever exists curry, there will be GRONK!.... It lives in your socks, and looks at the pictures in your wallet, ruffle your hair, and then combs it over again.. It makes your food taste better. GRONK! its self tastes sometimes of tomato, and other times of fish. It makes your shoes more shiney, and your ears more pointy... GRONK is allmighty" -Kyyr, "TimeScape"

"That place freaks me out." -Robbie, "TimeScape"

"Whyzat?" -Derek, "TimeScape"

"All the glowing stuff." -Robbie, "TimeScape"

"You don't like glowing stuff?" -Derek, "TimeScape"

"Not if it's part of the natural landscape." -Robbie, "TimeScape"

"Your goal in life right now is to learn." -Sharon Barbee

"Aww. Not to eat trail mix?" -Derek

"Ummmm . . . no . . ." -Sharon Barbee

"You could shoot us both and not feel a thing." -Raina, "The Lunatic Cafe"

"No, I'd feel something." -Anita Blake, "The Lunatic Cafe"

"What?" -Raina, "The Lunatic Cafe"

"Safer." -Anita Blake, "The Lunatic Cafe"

"Did you know that Ulysses S. Grant was pulled over for speeding on a horse?" -Mara Barbee

"Define . . . 'pulled over' . . ." -Derek

"Hey, look, a wooden tree." -Chris Faurot

"I did not just hear you say that. I didn't." -Nate Klug

"Hmm. Chox. It sounds like a breakfast cereal. No offense intended." -Derek, "TimeScape"

"Offense taken." -Robbie, "TimeScape"

"Why are you going into Atick's House in demon form?" -Robbie, "TimeScape"

"So I can eat him if he wakes up." -Derek, "TimeScape"

"Do you remember when I first met you?" -Briana

"No." -Derek

"You were laughing at me because of how wide I opened my mouth when I talked." -Briana

*laughs but stops when he sees the expression on her face* "Oh. You were serious." -Derek

"Mr. Hayne, can I spend the class period having Emily teach me pickup lines in French?" -Adrienne Cooper

"Every line in French is a pickup line . . ." -Mr. Hayne, English Teacher

*grins happily* "Okay, I'm done now!" -Ashley, playing Magic: the Gathering

*listens to the phone, then looks at Ashley* "He says he's gonna kill you double, now." -Josh, about Derek

"So how's Jason getting here?" -Derek

"Colin's taking him." -Josh

"Does he know it yet?" -Derek

"Not . . . entirely. . ." -Josh

"The cat's shedding." -Crystal

"Well, cats do that." -Derek

"Yeah, but it's a toy cat." -Crystal

"So what were the people like there?" -Derek

"Some were serious. Some weren't. One guy was on crack." -Nate

"Dykowski! Look out for that face-hugger!" *gapes* "Uffa! Did I say face hugger?" -Torg, "Definitely Not Aliens"

"Command, we need a proctologist in here now!" -Riff, "Definitely Not Aliens"

"Did you see what he was working on? Obviously alien technology." -Definitely not Mulder

"Oh, he's just trying to invent a new coffee maker or something." -Definitely not Scully

*looks down* "Um, that 'coffee maker' is grabbing your butt." -Definitely not Mulder

*to the robot* "I'll have a double mocha latte." -Definitely not Scully

"Well, I succeeded in summoning Satan into my computer." -Riff

"How do you know it was Satan, and not a lesser demon?" -Torg

"He installed Windows 95 on my system." -Riff

"But you have a Mac!" -Torg

"I know. Got any Holy Water lying around here?" -Riff

"This is not a sex MUCK, so you know." -Maryanne, "FurryFaire"

"They actually have those?" -GuestRabbit, "FurryFaire"

"Cool!" -Dweasel, "FurryFaire"

"Lara, are you alright?" -Falshingham, "Possession"

*gasps and sits up* "Certainly. I always vomit when I'm happy." -Lara Croft, "Possession"

"So what happened then?" -Multani, "TimeScape"

"Well, then the Pheldagrif flew after me like a Mack Truck after a squirrel." -Derek, "TimeScape"

"Come away with me, Jonathan. I know you've always wanted me. And I've always wanted you. Now we can be together . . ." -Lucy, "Dracula, Dead and Loving It"

"But Lucy . . . I'm engaged to Mina . . . and you're dead." -Jonathan, "Dracula, Dead and Loving It"

"Now she's truly dead." -Jonathan, "Dracula, Dead and Loving It"

"No." -Professor Van Helsen, "Dracula, Dead and Loving It"

"She's alive?" -Jonathan, "Dracula, Dead and Loving It"

"She is Nosfaratu." -Professor Van Helsen, "Dracula, Dead and Loving It"

"She's Italian?" -Jonathan, "Dracula, Dead and Loving It"

*watching something on Muhammed Ali* "Ugh. I refuse to call somebody who's that big-headed 'An American Hero.'" -Derek

"Yeah, well. He's a lot less cocky now that he has brain damage." -Michael Barbee

"Hey, finally. A big description. Good job." -Derek, "TimeScape"

"Thanks. That's not usually the response I get. It's usually: 'Hey, who's the numbnut in the girl's clothes?'" -Ricky_C, "TimeScape"

"Please watch your language." -Shirely Scofield

"Screw you. That's spelled with an S." -M1KE HUNT

"What was that?" -Derek, on the phone

"Me. I just dropped the phone into the trash can." -Ashley, on the phone

"Who's that guy?" -William

"Prince Jeffery." -A bodyguard

"Yeah? Prince of what?" -William

"England." -A bodyguard

"So, what sort of paranormal thing shall we investigate today?" -Definitely Not Scully

"How about the backseat of a car?" -Definitely Not Mulder

"Okay, tapping four, casting this, altering my mana sources, casting that . . . okay. *looks up at him* Draw 356 cards." -Guy at a Magic: the Gathering Tournament

*looks at his 60 card deck* "Ummm . . . what?" -Nate at a Magic: the Gathering Tournament

"Um, why did Talvin just hug me, fall down and disconnect?" -Derek, "TimeScape"

"Because he had to leave. And if I had to hug you, I'd probably fall down, too." -Robbie, "TimeScape"

"Don't you know that it is against the law to bribe an officer?" -A cop, "The Swift hand of Justice"

"It wasn't a bribe. It was a request." -Angela Preston, "The Swift Hand of Justice"

*sighs* "What am I going to do with you?" -A cop, "The Swift hand of Justice"

"Well, I could make some suggestions, but you might consider them bribes too." -Angela Preston, "The Swift Hand of Justice"

"Family?" -Narrator, "Interview With the Creator"

"I live with my parents and my sister." -Artist, "Interview With the Creator"

"Girlfriend?" -Narrator, "Interview With the Creator"

"Pushy one, aren't you?" -Artist, "Interview With the Creator"

"Hey, I think I found the alien we shot simultaneously with the rocket launchers." -Heplar, "Marathon Firestorm"

"Where?" -Jingles, "Marathon Firestorm"

*points to the ceiling* "See that green goo?" -Heplar, "Marathon Firestorm"

"Hey! Get out! Now!" -Nate, on the phone

"What was that about?" -Derek, on the phone

"The dog was in the bathroom." -Nate, on the phone

"Well, that was rude. You should have waited your turn." -Derek, on the phone

"Yeah, well, you know. I'm impatient." -Nate, on the phone

"Whatcha reading?" -Derek

"A book called 'Ship of Magic.'" -Josh

"Cool. What's it about?" *pauses* "Please don't say --" -Derek

". . . a ship of magic." -Josh,

"Face to face with a demon that big, and you poke it in the eye?" -Mr. SqueekyBobo

"I couldn't resist! It was just too much eyeball!" -Reakk

"So how far you gotten on your World History Report on Astrophysics?" -Emily

"Umm . . . not very far. I have three pages so far." -Derek

"Oh, that's still good! More than I've done." -Emily

"Well . . . not really . . . all I've done so far is describe how much black holes remind me of toilets." -Derek

"Violence is not the answer!" -Derek, at a Starcraft Tournament

*stares* "You just brutally destroyed my city." -Ashley, at a Starcraft Tournament

"What can I say? I'm not the answer." -Derek, at a Starcraft Tournament

"Know what? I think the guys who made Bleu Cheese were dyslexic." -Derek Barbee

"Weren't they French?" -Mara Barbee

"Oh, like that explains everything." -Derek Barbee

"Well, they're all left-handed, anyway." -Michael Barbee

"Oh, you're no fun anymore." -Derek

"I never was." -Joe

*looks surprised* "Really? That must suck." -Derek

"Whoa, she was hot!" -Nate

"Dude, she almost killed you!" -Ashley

"Yeah, I got Donovan's recent CD a little while ago." -Michael

"He's still alive?" -Aunt Kathy

"One would hope." -Mara

"What's it called?" -Aunt Kathy

"I don't know, but it has a big eyeball on the front cover." -Derek

"Hmm. He's still on drugs, I see." -Aunt Kathy

"I was thinking, what if I got cloned?" -Ashley

³Don't talk like that. No. Just don't." -Derek

"Did you know that the Church considered it a mortal sin to look at one's naked body for around 200 years?" -Derek

"Really? That must suck. I can just picture a 201 year old man going: 'Woo hoo!'" -Nate

*looks at the photo of him* "I don't know. You look like a cross between Arnold Schwarzanegger, Robert DeNiro and Jim Carrey." -A friend of Briana's

"What?!?!?" -Derek

"Either that or Piglet from Winnie the Pooh." -A friend of Briana's

"So how old were you when you saw your first rated R movie? 9?" -Derek

"Ha! Younger than that!" -Colin

"Yeah, my grandparents go to church. I look at it as a chance to do some reasearch as theology. Well, that's putting it politely. I actually look at it as a chance to go: HAHAHAHAHAHA! *pauses* Oh, wait, that will probably offend somebody." -Ashley, on the phone

"That's alright. My page already offends 13% of the American population." -Derek, on the phone

"Would you feel bad if I cut myself while using your knife?" -Jenny Ryan

"No." -Chris Cane

"What if I got blood on your nice shoes?" -Jenny Ryan

"Oh, then hell, yes." -Chris Cane

"Welcome to the Dimension of Pain . . ." -A Demon, "Sluggy Freelance"

"Thanks! Can I use your restroom?" -Torg, "Sluggy Freelance"

"Nope." -A Demon, "Sluggy Freelance"

"Don't you guys think that Courtney Love will be rather hurt when she sees this video?" -Kurt Loder, to Marilyn Manson and Trent Reznor (about the Starsuckers Music Video)

"I certainly hope so." -Marilyn Manson

". . . and it's a sort of . . . um . . . who am I talking to now?" -Derek, on the phone

"Me." -Briana's boyfriend, on the phone

"Oh. Okay." -Derek, on the phone

*calls to Briana in a different room* "Hey, he laughs cool. He sounds like me." -Briana's boyfriend, on the phone

"Hell, yeah. People with funny laughs, unite." -Derek, on the phone

"I've been meeting a lot of people from Canada lately. I don't know why." -Dweasel, "Tapestries"

"Heh he. We're taking over." -MAui, "Tapestries"

*screams but then stops and considers* "Oh, well. I've always wanted to learn French." -Dweasel, "Tapestries"

"You are so less attractive when I'm sober." -Anna, "The Money Pit"

"Thank goodness it's not that often." -Walter, "The Money Pit"

"Stupid Nate. Gave me Broccoli Disease." -Colin

"That's Bronchitis." -Derek

"Frank! Do you realize that you, me and Aaron are here at this party with around ten girls?" -Derek, at Carli's party

"Whoa! Hey, Carli! Can we play Twister?" -Frank, at Carli's Party

"Hey! Do you have an Invisible Purse also?" -Xylis, "Tapestries"

"Now there's a question you don't hear every day." -Dweasel, "Tapestries"

"Oh, yes. Wonderfully handy little thing." -Lyssl, "Tapestries"

". . . when you can find it." -Dweasel, "Tapestries"

"Thank you, Satan." -Tan, "DominiaMUD"

"You're welcome." -Falyxron,"DominiaMUD"

"Why won't you come to the dance?" -Jeanette

"Eh. Formal dances just really aren't my thing. I don't usually go to --" -Derek

*interrupts* "If you come, I'll dance with you." -Jeanette

*opens his mouth, and then shuts it* "Well . . ." -Derek

"Ha! I knew that'd get you to think about it!" -Jeanette

*glowers* "That was a cheap shot." -Derek

"You will perish like all those before you. Your time will come. Pray that it does not come soon!" -Zombie of an Osai Vulture, "DominiaMUD"

*says bluntly* "I don't pray. I'm an athiest." -Falyxron, "DominiaMUD"

"Quiet! You'll ruin the whole 'Prophet' thing!" -Zombie of an Osai Vulture, "DominiaMUD"

"How about some rear defenses, Squee?" -Gerrard, "Planeshift"

"You think dis easy, yeah? You think just 'cause Squee save your butt hundred thousand million times before, he save you now?" -Squee, "Planeshift"

"Yes, Squee! Exactly! The tail gunner's job is to save our butts!" *shuts his mouth and watches as Squee blows up an enemy ship* "Nice shooting, Squee." -Gerrard, "Planeshift"

"Dat's another two hundred butts you owe Squee." -Squee, "Planeshift"

"Bob Dylan, who has released over 43 albums, and has written over 500 songs, and is still on the road today." -Jennifer Lopez, on the Academy Awards

"I want to be like that, someday." -Derek, watching the TV

"You just don't want to look like him." -Dad, watching the TV

"They actually make cheese from sheep's milk?" -Mara

"Sheep have udders?" -Derek

"Most mammals do." -Mara

"Sheep have furry ones." -Dad

"That's disgusting." -Mara

"Farmers who milk sheep don't have to wear gloves to keep their hands warm." -Dad

"I'd like the class's attention for a moment. Last Wednesday, several of you did something they were not supposed to, which may have serious consequences. I'd first like to give the people a chance to admit their guilt before I have to act on it." -Mr. Flor, at Cisco

*jokingly raises his hand* "Umm . . . I ate some of your cookies that were hiding over there in the corner of the room." -Derek, at Cisco

*stares blankly at him* "Those were over there because they had ants all over them." -Mr. Flor, at Cisco

*blinks, then shrugs* "Oh. Well. They tasted alright to me." -Derek, at Cisco

"You've been talking in your sleep again, honey. Who's Al?" -A guy on a commercial

"Our financer." -A lady on a commercial

"Not any more." -A guy on a commercial

"Shadow, half your team just mugged me outside your base." -Jingles!, playing Unreal Tournament

*watches as they all die and respawn* "Unfortunately for my team . . ." -Shadow, playing Unreal Tournament

"From which side of the family do you get your contempt for humanity?" -Cinder, "DominiaMUD"

*points* "Um . . . that side?" -Sargoth, "DominiaMUD"

*feels arms wrap around him suddenly from behind* "Umm . . . Lacey, right?" -Derek, at a party

"Ooo! How'd you know it was me?" -Lacey, at a party

"You're one of the few people here that actually smell good." -Derek, at a party

"You can make your future anything you want it to be. The world is your oyster." -Sharon

*bluntly* "I don't like oysters." -Derek

"Um. Okay. What would you like the world to be?" -Sharon

*thinks about it* "A hot dog. I like hot dogs." -Derek

"Okay, then. The world is your hot dog." -Sharon

"What does it mean when a girl wants you to go meet her in Berkely?" -Ashley

"Good things, my friend. Good things." -Derek

"Did anybody else go to Europe this summer?" -Mr. Flor, at Cisco

"Yeah, I did. My family I went to Ireland, but we left when things started blowing up." -Keenan, at Cisco

"Yeah, I can't swim. I'm afraid of water." -Chris Faurot

"Dude, you're a lifeguard!" -A coworker

"I would kill to have a guy like you." -Wendy

*blinks* "I'm incredibly flattered. I am also incredibly frightened." -Derek

"Since when do you have time to play video games?" -Bun-Bun, "Sluggy Freelance"

"My girlfriend is chemically paralyzed." -Torg, "Sluggy Freelance"

"I don't think you did a bad thing. It might have been good for you. Gave you a new angle on things." -Allison

"I have gotten so many new angles in the past five months that I'm starting to look like a Picasso painting." -Derek

"So how can we convince Sara's Mom to let her stay the night with the rest of us?" -Derek

"Hm. Tell her that there will be adults there? My mom or my dad?" -Nate

"Eh. I don't think that'll cut it. Her mom still doesn't know you or your parents." -Derek

"Ummmm . . . tell her I'm a Christian!" -Nate

"Dude, you're a dirty Christian." -Derek

"So?" -Nate

"You drive hella slow." -Jason

"I drive the speed limit." -Derek

"Aren't there laws against that?" -Jason

TimeScape

8a1. War in the City

"I know! We could call it FEEB! Federation for the Extermination of Evil Ba . . . nah . . ." -Marthoi, "War in the City"

"Don't worry, you're expendable." -Id, "War in the City"

"There's no such thing as a shy water buffalo." -Marthoi, "War in the City"

"What a busy city. A little while ago I almost got run over by a kid on a skateboard. I was going to make a remark about the kids these days until an old lady walking her dog almost ran me over as well. I decided to keep my mouth shut." -Marthoi, "War in the City"

"Okay folks. Let's try this again, I know I missed the last meeting, I apologize, beat me with wiffle bats if you so desire." -Marthoi, "War in the City"

8a2. Normal TimeScape Quotes

"Who's Bubba Manatee?" -Zed_Omega, "TimeScape"

"When you think of severed heads, think of my face." -Kyyr, "TimeScape"

"Confuscious say never touch horny vampiress ball." -Brujah, "TimeScape"

"I am NOT God. I am much cuter." -Mamoru, "TimeScape"

"Glitches give it character." -Morpheus the programmer, "TimeScape"

"I can get a sugar rush off apples . . ." -Saimira, "TimeScape"

"I've changed. That's a good thing . . . I think . . ." -Nechlore Shade, "TimeScape"

"I have been poked with a Timewarp Spork. I am unsure what that entails." -Kyyr, "TimeScape"

"I've got magic pockets!" -Dinghy the Otter, "TimeScape"

"Anybody seen my hockey stick?" -Dinghy the Otter, 5 seconds later

"If you dont believe in god, or the Devil, how do you explain Pauly Shore?" -Sachiko_Moon, "TimeScape"

"Jars of Clay, an old cd I found, its actully good, if you get past the whole 'blah blah blah jesus' parts..." *stops* "I wonder if I'm going to hell for saying that. Ah, well. All the fun people are in hell." -Brujah, "TimeScape"

"Apathy will be the death of humanity, but who cares?" -Shetani, "TimeScape"

"Somebody named Korriana is watching for me. I have no idea who she is. Her @doing message is 'I'm in love!'. Help me." -Derek, "TimeScape"

"Oh, dear lord, tell me that wiz didn't just come onto me. Please tell me no." -*name kept private at request*

"I'm sexy. Shoot me." -Tera, "TimeScape"

"Don't encourage the furries, Derek." -Nechlore_Shade, "TimeScape"

"He only falls down ONCE, dammit!" -Zerg_Queen, "TimeScape"

"Keep the pink monkey out of my apartment." -Robbie, "TimeScape"

"I'm 3 feet tall and you're 12! That's like a Rottweiler doing a chihuahua!" -Dinghy, to Zerg_Queen

"What's with the permanent grin?" -Xelloss, "TimeScape"

"Damn otters. Give 'em a flying guitar and they think they own the place." -Robbie, "TimeScape"

"I'm lost in your big castle thing, and your watch beetle is scary." -Pinghy, "TimeScape"

"I didn't like him. He got stuck in my teeth." -Drusilla, "TimeScape"

"Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead." -Zaiza, "TimeScape"

"Eating is an art. You are the paint. C'mere." -Mordon the Dragon, "TimeScape"

"Hey, how's it goin'? I'm Robbie Mills, a typical high school teen, unless you count the fact that when I get scared, hurt, or mad, I tend to turn into a big, mean demon-type creature." -Robbie, "TimeScape"

"Madness takes it's toll. Please have exact change." -Sephus, "TimeScape"

"We are starved for entertainment around here. We resort to pissing off werewolves." -Lavender, "TimeScape"

"Okay, who has my Fried Walrus?" *looks around suspiciously* "Just give me the walrus and no one gets hurt." -Robbie, "TimeScape"

"I swear I shall make a single's bar on this muck. Complete with an anthropomorphic Lizard sitting in one corner. 'Hey, Baby, what's your dbref number?'" -Talvin, "TimeScape"

"Actually, 'Xander is short for Alexander, who's my player's real bear. I was the big mutating lizard." -Baletori, "TimeScape"

"I trained to be an English Teacher. I had one kid in class who kept writing death threats and passing them up to me. I took out my red pen, corrected them and told him to write them over. I miss him." -Talvin, "TimeScape"

"Stupid. You're supposed to be evil. Lose the mocha." -Falyxron, to Derek, "TimeScape"

"YOU MOSH LIKE A PHYREXIAN!" -Robbie, "TimeScape"

"In 4 years, there has been exactly one @toading, here. Their crime: they worked, and I do mean WORKED, to violate the right of privacy put in place by a p #ignore. *My* p #ignore, for the record. And they had to screw up three times before they went 'Ribbit'." -Talvin, "TimeScape"

"Oh, you poor, poor, sick person." -Robbie, "TimeScape"

"If you tried to take a leap in faith, you'd fall on your ***." -Chait, "TimeScape"

"Be well . . . oh, and get a good lawyer." -Talvin, to Don_Lapacio (Head of the mob on TimeScape)

"You ask tooooo many questions. We must burn you at the steak....er stake." -Robbie, "TimeScape"

"I've got so many characters on right now, I don't even remember my own name." -Erin, "TimeScape"

"Well . . . uh . . . you fight like a cow!" -Biyomon, "TimeScape"

"I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant." -Kiana, "TimeScape"

Tapestries

"Don't start on me, you grammer nazi." -Tiger-Kat, "Tapestries"

"You spelled grammar wrong." -Dweasel, "Tapestries"

"I stayed in a Microsoft-sanctioned hotel once. I opened a window and the whole place came crashing down aroung me." -Gerry, "Tapestries"

"I sometimes turn into a chocolate zebra. It's an old war wound." -Vandal, "Tapestries"

"I look like a drowned when I'm wet." *looks around* "No offense to any rats present." -Axiom, "Tapestries"

"Here, have a used, slightly moist reputation." -Shahrazad, "Tapestries"

"Well . . . not everyone can be cheery and happy all the time . . . sometimes it's really good just to spit in someone's eye." -MAui, "Tapestries"

"I was a mink, before it was cool." -Dietrich's button, "Tapestries"

"We don't have 911 around here... you'll have to choose to recover." -Kavi, "Tapestries"

"Well, I'm a ghost. Go ahead and pinch me: I'm real." -KnightMyst, "Tapestries"

DominiaMUD

"4 out of the 5 voices in my head tell me: 'Eat the chocolate.'" -Listy, "DominiaMUD"

"I am Pez, dispenser of Truth, Justice and Sweet Candy." -Pez, "DominiaMUD"

"The King of the Potato people, previously your ruler, is now a sizzling plate of hash browns." -A news update, "DominiaMUD"

"Sort of a grovelling, whining, worm style of thing." -Deathblade, about Hood, "DominiaMUD"

"Where are we going, and why are we in this handbasket?" -Stray, "DominiaMUD"

"Ugh. I need coffee. But I don't like coffee." -Rousdower, "DominiaMUD"

"Aren't warcries supposed to make people cower in fear of their enemies or be afraid of them? Yet in battle they look like some crazy mofo running around screaming like a banshee?" -Demacles, "DominiaMUD"

"Crap, man. You have a tattoo and you don't even know how to spell it?" -Falyxron, "DominiaMUD"

"Be creative: invent a perversion." -Billy, "DominiaMUD"

"Farewell to all . . . and to all a low bus fare." -Nigel, "DominiaMUD"

"When life gives you lemons, chuck 'em at someone. It'll make you feel better." -Absence, "DominiaMUD"

"Maybe it's like moving to Canada. Something you can choose to do, and appeals to everyone, but only a select few are dumb enough to actually do it." -Firestorm, "DominiaMUD"

"Tarra we love you, even though we don't really know why." -Amugaba, "DominiaMUD"

Other MUCKs and MUDs

"Please. We prefer 'The Hippie Republic.' " -Dinghy da Otter, "Dark Future"

"Medival cargo pants? You gotta be kidding." -Derek, being a guest on Twilight MUCK

"You dropped your pocket." -A guy on drugs

"You're still up? It's midnight! That's it, I'm gonna personally turn you into a pumpkin now." -A Mother

"If I don't get connected to the 'net soon, I'm gonna start twitching." -An addicted person

"Suicide Hotline...please hold." -An Unemployed Secretary

"These pills can't be habit forming; I've been taking them for years." -A patient

"The light at the end of the tunnel could turn out to be the headlight of an oncoming train." -A pessimist

"A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip." -A government official

"Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed." -An optimist

"The way to a man's heart is through his fly." -A T-Shirt

"Anything dropped in the bathroom falls in the toilet." -A man with bad luck

"Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver." -A married woman

"If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it." -A pessimist

"Thou canst not kill that wich doth not live. But you can blast it into chunky kibble!" -A Starcraft Player

"Sith? That's the title for a big ominous bad guy? Come on! It sounds like a dyslexic trying to curse!" -A Star Wars Fan

"It was an unidentified flying knicknack." -An announcer

"All those british bands: Cake, Korn . . . hey, you know what Cake and Korn is back to back? Korncake!" -A Radio DJ

"If practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, why practice?" -A realist

"Wow. The last Seinfeld completely *bit*. An hour of my life was stolen from me. I can never get that back. My entire sense of decency has... huh? Oh, right. Picture. This is an experiment in coloring, with my character, Augustus. Gus is 6 feet, 6 inches tall, 220 pounds. And if he ever catches Jerry Seinfeld in the street, it's ON." -An artist talking about a drawing

"I was going to join the Ku Klux Klan until I heard they were all Christians." -An Athiest

"Aloha, dude! Mind telling me what blood type you are?" -A Hawaiin Vampire

"'Tis Augustus Spencer, 'Gusto' to his friends, decked out in his kickboxing gear. He's pretty good at it, considering no one will spar with him because he's friggin' *enormous.* 'Hi. I'm six and a half feet tall, 270 pounds. Let me kick you in the face.'" -An artist

*yells and waves at a car that just cut him off* "What?!? How could you not see this bus? This bus is 12 feet wide and 40 feet long! How could you not see this bus? Stevie Wonder could see this bus!" -A bus driver

"Ok well this is me! Wow! Ooooo Ahhhhhh! I'm pretty much just your everyday 19-year-old. I've got blue eyes, blond hair. I'm 5'10", and so thin that there must be a whole family of sticks in my family tree somewhere. " -An artist on Yerf

"The world isn't any worse than it ever was. It's just that the news coverage is better." -A realist

"Dude, you woke up his sleeping beef." -A Magic: the Gathering player

"Today's date is 9\9\99. They say that this might cause software problems. The Y2K bug calls this day 'Mini Me'." -A person on Yerf

"There was a petition this week to make the mosquito Louisiana's state bird." -A News Station

"Bram Stoker's Dracula--the novel, not the movies--has always struck me as the penultimate love story: boy meets girl, boy eats girl, boy gets lumber shoved through his chest cavity by girl's friends." -A Critic

"Okay, now tilt your head just a bit to the left . . . open your mouth a little more . . . so, do you have a boyfriend?" -A Dentist

"If you don't want to be criticized, don't do anything, be anything, or say anything." -A poster

"I got lost in Boston, lookin' for the Tea Party." -Limp Bizkit lyrics

"At night I can hear these voices . . . talking sh*t about all my choices . . ." -Staind lyrics

"Ya gotta dip . . . ya gotta doodle, ya gotta . . . shave grandma's poodle . . . 'cause grandma would do the same for yoooouuu . . ." -Adam Sandler lyrics, "Respect to the Grandmas"

"The future just ain't what it used to be." -Green Day lyrics

"Honesty's a virtue that can hurt you." -Eve 6 lyrics

"It's sickening how comforting the privacy of the mind can be." -Eve 6 lyrics

"Happy Campers, go poop in their pampers, as the mountain, becomes a fountain . . ." -PUSA lyrics, "Volcano"

"Burn in Heaven." -Sarah McLachlan lyrics

"Every time I'm along I wonder why." -Brittany Spears lyrics

"The more you live, the sooner you will die." -Smashmouth lyrics

"Got you searching for, the thin line between entertainment and war." -Rage Against the Machine lyrics

"Another lesson learned and failed." -Green Day lyrics

"Time to clean some house, be a man or a mouse, waste those who make it tough to get around. Put the tape on erase, rearrange your face, we always liked Picasso anyways." -DEVO lyrics

"Given the true intellecual and emotional compatibility are at the very least difficult, if not impossible to come by. We could always opt for the more temporal gratification: sheer physical attraction. That wouldn't make you a shallow person . . . would it?" -Lyle Lovett LyricsReturn of the Great White Dope"

"I'll heal your wounds,
I'll set you free,
I'm Jesus Christ on Ecstacy." -NIN lyrics, "Suck"

"So I like to dance naked, in front of my pets . . ." -Bloodhound Gang lyrics, "Mope"

"Drunk driving is what I like to do, I like drunk driving with you." -Sublime lyrics, "Drunk Driving" (Taken from Rock Wisdom, a cool music quotes site)

"I'm so sick and tired of being admired, that I wish that I would just die or get fired." -Eminem lyrics, "The Way I Am"

"Teeter-tottering between brilliance and insanity . . ." -Bloodhound Gang lyrics, "The Inevitable Return of the Great White Dope"

"I just keep on running faster, chasing the happily ever after . . ." -Lyle Lovett lyrics, "Her First Mistake"

"I'm so lonely that I don't even want to be with myself anymore." -Dido lyrics

"From now to infinity, let icons be bygones . . ." -Linkin Park lyrics, "High Voltage"

"No, having your hair like that doesn't make you look hot, just hairy." -Pixie, on the job

"What? You don't drink coffee? Oh, you will." -Kathy, Boss #2

"Vote for the woman with angels coming out of her ears, vote Serra in 2000." -Magic: the Gathering Elections 2000

"You want to vote for Phyrexians? Just go visit their plane! Like they're gonna bring prosperity to the States. They don't even know what a hamburger is!" -Magic: the Gathering Elections 2000

"Vote for Volrath (But who cares, I'm rigging it right now!!!)" -Magic: the Gathering Elections 2000

"With Yawgmoth, you know exactly what you're getting in your candidate: cybernetic implants and brand new spines for everyone. " -Magic: the Gathering Elections 2000

"Open the door, then walk through." -Garfield

"Places to go and people to be." -Shapeshifter's Motto

"Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it." -Heath the Philospher

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day." -Retracted Version of Famous Quote

"If at first you don't succeed, eradicate all evidence that you tried." -Government Motto

"You can't eat your friends and have them too." -Dragon Wisdom

"You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses." -Ziggy

"Some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue." -Unknown

"I plan on living forever. So far, so good." -Drake the Immortal

"Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason." -Doonsbury

"First there was nothing. Then God said: "Let there be light!" Then, there was still nothing, but at least you could see it." -Jehovah 5:11

"Huh. Well I'll be dipped." -Steel Dragon

"The plot thins . . ." -Crow, Book Critic

"I am Lord Culex, creature of chaos, fear me! Please." -Lord Culex

"You're still up? It's midnight! That's it, I'm gonna personally turn

"This is a war: you fight, you learn. You Live or Die. And death isn't much of a second place prize." -Hal_X, in a Warcraft Tournament

"Luke . . . Luke . . . Use the MOUSE, Luke." -Obi Wan Gates

"Ummm, Trouble with grammar have I! Yes!" -Yoda

"Always remember that you're just as unique as everyone else." -Unknown

"Watch for falling cows." -Earthworm Jim

"Nice jail. Looks strong." -Houdini

"What are you, sick or something?" -Marilyn Manson

"Okay, ha ha, guys. Very funny. You can open the cage now." -Fred Savage

"Read the entire 4-issue story before deciding whether or not you like what we're doing, okay?" -Ken Penders, in an actual E-mail to me

"You can tell alot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans." -Ronald Reagan

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." -Charles Schultz

"The right to be heard does not include the right to be taken seriously." -Hubert Humphrey

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible." -Walt Disney

"A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic." -Joseph Stalin

"If a cluttered desk signs a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?" -Albert Einstein

"Yesterday a guy cut me off in traffic. I said unto him, Be fruitful and multiply, but not in those words." -Woody Allen

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have all died." -Erma Bombeck

"Your 'reality' sir, is nothing but lies and balderdash, and I'm delighted to say that I have no grasp of it, whatsoever!" -John Siemer

"The best things in life are censored." -Woody Allen

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" -Steven Wright

"The other day a woman came up to me and said, 'Didn't I see you on television?" I said, 'I don't know. You can't see out the other way.'" -Emo Phillips

"For those who believe, no explanation is necessary. For those who do not, no explanation will suffice." -David Blaine, magician

"There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?" -Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate

"It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue." -Voltaire

"If you have to tell people you're famous - you aren't." -Jim Carrey, in an interview

"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous." -Brian W. Kernighan

"The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrongly, without commenting." -Albert Einstein

"Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with." -Emma Frances

"Bare feet magnetize sharp objects so that they always point upward from the floor - especially in the dark." -Jeff Foxworthy, from a routine

"Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls . . . if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee." -Alexander Graham Bell

"You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word." -Al Capone

"If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door." -Paul Beatty

"Go jump a cactus." -Mercedes Lackey

Your freedom to swing your fist ends at my nose." -Mercedes Lackey on terrorism

"It's my wife's birthday. A friend told me to go get some slinky langerie for her. What is THAT? Underwear that walks down the stairs?" -Bill Engval

"He dropped a few bricks. I'm sure he thought they were hints." -Mercedes Lackey

"He was about as subtle as a billboard." -Mercedes Lackey

"You know before there was Reynolds Wrap, before there was refrigerators, before there was freezers, before there was seasonings, a pork chop might kill ya. That's right, one chop. But times have changed. That's right. Now we got freezers, we got Saran Wraps, we got Reynolds Wraps, now a pork chop is your friend. That's right, if you're starving a pork chop will save your life. Hell, I'll eat a pig's butt if they cook it right!" -Chris Rock

"Too much food in America, man. We got so much food in America, we're allergic to food . . . allergic to food. Hungry people ain't allergic to sh*t. Do you think anybody in Ruwanda has got a freakin' lactose intolerance?" -Chris Rock

"It is sometimes necessary to play the fool to avoid being decieved by cunning men." -La Rochefoucauld

"The first draught a man drinks should be for thirst. The second, for nourishment. The third, for pleasure. The fourth, for madness." -Creator of Alcoholics Annonymous

"Fools rush in, where angels dare to tread." -The Pope

"Man is the only creature endowed with the power of laughter; is he not the only one that deserves to be laughed at?" -Greville

"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain." -Carol Leifer

"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place." -Johnny Carson

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache." -Jack Mayberry

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." -Elayne Boosler

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" -John Mendoza

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." -Jeff Stilson

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." -Rita Mae Brown

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner. -Lynda Montgomery

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject." -Winston Churchill

"Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener. " -Brad Littlejohn

"Love, n.: 'Here's my heart, here's a sledgehammer ... go for it.'" -Michael Kellen

"When I look down, I miss all the good stuff. And when I look up, I just trip over things." -Ani DiFranco

"To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up."

-Ogden Nash, "A Word to Husbands"

"Today, everybody is trying so hard to 'keep it real.' That puts me to sleep. I say, Let's keep it unreal. Powerman 5000: keepin' it unreal!" -Spider, Powerman 5000

"I am a fool, but I know I'm a fool and that makes me smarter than you." -Socrates

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." -Ozzy Osbourne

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." -Dave Barry

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian becauseI hate plants." -A. Whitney Brown

"The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss." -Douglas Adams

"The only difference between graffiti and philosophy is the F Word..." -Unknown

"Do not alter or distribute my art, lest I relocate your urethra." -C. Trotrman

"Poison toothpaste is used by the CIA as a weapon for assassination." -Joey Green

"I hated school . . . I freaking hated it. The fact is that it revolved around something you didn't have access to. If you weren't on the football team, if you were in the band, you were a leper. When people say those were the best years of our lives, I want to scream." -Trent Reznor

"I used to play in a band called The Federal Duck. We didn't last long, but it was still fun. And I still think that The Italic Squirrels would be a great name for a band." -Dave Barry

"Don't eat no red meat, no, don't eat no green meat, okay? What're you talking about? If you're one of the chosen few people on this earth that are lucky enough to get your hands on a steak, bite the sh*t out if it." -Chris Rock

"I remember seeing The Exorcist when I was eleven or twelve. It messed me up permanently because it was the most terrifying thing I could ever imagine. I couldn't discredit it like I could Alien. Because I'd been fed all this bullsh*t by Christianity that said yes, this could happen." -Trent Reznor

"Describing the Magic: the Gathering card game is like describing . . . it's like describing . . . let's just say it's beyond description. It's got fun. It's got strategy. It's got big, gnarly monsters with razor-sharp teeth that go 'ngghhh'." -Richard Garfield

"Boo me if ya want, you know I'm right!" -Chris Rock

"Hey, and so you all know, I just bumped into God backstage, and he says: 'You're welcome.'" -Rosie O'Donnell, at an Awards Ceremony

"Hey, what's up? This is Fred Durst of Limp BIzkit, the worst band on the planet." -Fred Durst, on Live 105

"You would throw up if you saw me nude." -Howard Stern

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them . . . well, I have others." -Groucho Marx

"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better . . . while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more." -Woody Allen

"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized." -Fred Allen

"A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing." -Joey Adams

"Never let a sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing." -Isaac Asimov

"What is snoring? Medically, it is when air has trouble getting past the uvula, which is a part of your body that sounds like a dirty word but is actually not." -Dave Barry

"Be normal, and the crowd will accept you. Be deranged, and they will make you their leader." -Christopher Titus

"It's always a terrible thing when you have to kill a friend or a relative, because they're the devil." -Steven Wright

"Gee, you're good at whining when you lose. It must happen a lot." -Lord Schlongor, at a Warcraft Tournament

"You just did a very brave thing. Stupid. But brave." -Some Army Commander

"May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits!" -Garfield

"When a fail-safe system fails, it fails by failing to be fail-safe." -Bob, on mechanics

"Two's a company, three's an orgy." -Somebody who read The Kama Sutra

"Before you met any handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads." -The Fairy Godmother

"If you don't care where you are, you're not lost." -Mr. Apathy

"You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step in it." -Earthworm Jim

"The lack of money is the root of all evil." -Retracted version of old quote

"If something can go wrong, it will." -Herbert's Law

"Infants speak many languages before they find one that grown-ups can understand." -Creator of "Baby Genius's"

"Even with a nightcap, a wolf looks nothing like a grandmother." -Mr. Reality

"If you whine about it, it might feel better." -Samantha Boaz, in volleyball practice

"Bingo, all better. Everybody in love, or at least in bed." -Diana Tregarde, Romance Novel Writer

"Wait, there is no lateral area of a sphere." -Michelle Hall, Geometry Genius

"There's always a bigger fish." -Qui-Gon Jin (sorry if I misspelled his name)

"Nothing says 'I'm here to destroy you' like a dragon." -Theslin

"I had a storybook love once. Unfortunately, it was a Stephen King storybook." -J. C. Duffy

"Program (Pro'-gram) n. A magic spell cast over a computer, causing it to turn one's input into error messages." -Bob's Big Book Of Computer Stuff

"On the eighth day God created cats and was promptly ignored." -From Dane-Dame@rocketmail.com 's .signature.

"General rule of thumb - never rip off a bunch of people who think a fun weekend is getting together and hitting each other with blunt objects." -Karnage, Seattle Marathon User's Group

"I understand John Malm is already pissed at me for this page. Fine. He's a businessman. I understand." -blackrose

"If the world thinks that you are crazy, and you think the same of the world, then who can say who is right?" -Unknown

"In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death." -A sign in Dweasel's Bedroom

"Personaly I can't speel for crap. I have the grammer of a toaster oven." -Jennifer "PacRat" Rodriguez

"Better to keep your mouth shut and have everyone think you a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." -Heath the Philosopher

"They say goldfish have no memories
I guess their lives are much like mine
And the little plastic castle
Is a suprise every time -Ani DiFranco, "Little Plastic Castle"

"Closing time comes earlier to some than to others." -Jhad, bar bouncer

"If they move, kill them. In fact, kill one now to make sure the other understands." -Yawgmoth

"This place is weird. Something smells really weird. I think that's the food. Something else smells really good. I think that's your girlfriend." -*name kept private at request*, to Jor

"Public Enemy is like the Bob Dylan of rap." -Host of "Versus"

"When news breaks, we give you the pieces." -Nifty News 50

"It's never until Thanksgiving that you realize just how annoying your relatives were." -*name kept private at request*

"Game called on account of naked chick." -Bun-Bun the rabbit

"My wife and I have been married for 6 years. To the best of my knowledge, I have been faithful to her." -M1KE HUNT

"I don't do pride. I do do revenge." -Lord Rangok, at a Starcraft Tournament

"A vegetable foaming at the mouth can never be a good sign." -Elliot Burkart

"Perhaps Henry suffered from thinking too much." -David J. Low

"The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night." -Otto Von Bismarck

"I don't think anyone can honestly credit a player with telepathy or precognition, which leaves out the first option." -David J. Low

"Tulsa Rush Hour? What's that? Both cars and a mule?" -Foxtrot X-Ray, "Chrome Circle"

"The answer to the question is the two cards Katabatic Winds and Warping Wurm. The ability is Phasing. The capital of France is Paris. The murderer of Laura Palmer was Leland Palmer. The secret to frisbee is backspin. Spock kills Kirk in 'Amok Time' and 'The Enterprise Incident'. The Godfather Part 2 is the only sequel to ever win the Academy Award(tm) for Best Picture. Randy Quaid is ugly, it's not your TV." -Ian Taylor

"Proving once again that controversy sells, Eminem is #1 at the charts once again." -Roshumba

"I sincerely wish that I had something earth shatteringly profound to say for the new millennium but I don't. All I can say‹is stay young forever. I'm 31 years old and I still think action figures are cool. Especially those McFarlane figures, they rock. I think that Toy's 'R' Us is just about the coolest place on the planet. I have two young sons that I take, just so I don't look like a deviant when I go in there. My wife just divides my actual age by two to get my mental age equivalent. Actually, I think that by the time I am 50, I'll be able to divide by three." -Jantrix

"I am so f***ing tired of all this s*** that I'm hearing on the radio. Radio SUCKS! The same f***ing songs, over and over! All the weak ones, all that disposable crap that isn't gonna matter in three months!" -Matt Pinfield, Limp Bizkit secret track

"So, there are a bunch of plates that make of the earth's surface, and they're all floating on lava and molten rock, constantly shifting around. The one we're on is currently going north, so hey. We're all going to Alaska." -Jeff, Park Ranger

"For the next Interview With the Vampire Movie, who do you think would play a good vampire? I think Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails. He just looks the part." -Mandy Moore, on MTV

"Okay, I'm gonna say this a couple of times. There's too much rap on MTV. Why does MTV feel the need to play rap at all? Don't get me started on the shows either-- MTV Jams, what the hell? All rap show? Beat Suite? All rap show?" -arejayx

"Honesty, hard work and perserverance get you nowhere in life. It's all about kissin' a**." -Blink 182

"I'm fairly sure that at some time, this comic strip will be used against me in a court of law." -Creator of the Thin H Line

"You can find me by contacting your local conspiracy office and asking for Black Helicopter Squadron Gamma. I'll be operating Mind control device number 3." -Head of the Evil Athiest Conspiracy

"The next item on our Sell List is the ever-popular Unholy Water. Personally unblessed by Mr. Pope who lives next door, our unholy water repels angels, saints, preachers and god. Just carry a bottle with you, or bathe in it. WARNING: May attract vampires and werewolves in some areas - not for use in Sunnydale." -Security Chief of the EAC

"This is a revolution, dammit! We're going to have to offend somebody!" -John Adams

"Hmmm, boy I hate it when someone comes in with 3 drones and just starts building sunkens colonies on your creep. That's when you gotta regulate and be like HEY B*TCH GET OFF MY CREEP." -EliTie, Starcraft Player

"Drag Queens are like . . . messed up clowns . . ." -That guy on the Real World

"Pam? Stop glowing. Stop it right now." -Harry the Handsome Executive

"Cigarettes are the only product that, when used as directed, kill you." -www.bigtobacco.com

"Carlo recently improved the sound effects in Unreal. So a gun "Bang" sound in a reverb zone now sounds more like "Baaaannnggg", instead of "Bang Ba Bang Ba Bank Ba Bang" (A Technical Term)." -Unreal FAQ

"Halt, you fiend! My religion says that it is a sin to kill a critter on a . . . *pauses* Damn. What day is today?" -Father Williams, playing Starcraft

"Games that simulate friendly dinosaurs and flying carpets are not going to grip you as much as those that simulate being chased with a flamethrower. But when your virtual body goes up like an overdone marshmallow and you hear a bloodcurdling wail (different sound than when a rocket hits you: attention to detail), you can stop, catch your breath and have a sip of iced tea before you tap the regenerate button. It's only a game." -The Makers of Teragraphics, on Marathon Infinity

"These are the sort of games I love. See someone get double life and live 4 extra seconds." -Möbius, Marathon Player

"There's no second place prize in a gun fight." -A Member of a Swat Team

"Next season we're going to do a small spinoff from the X-Files, called the "Lone Gunman," and starring specifically them. It's going to be a show that's more comedic than it is dramatic. These guys are wonderful together. It's kind of like "Mission Impossible" on laughing gas." -Chris Carter, about the next X-Files Season

*looks at the final cut of the We're In This Together Video* "Trent, you do realize what this implies, don't you? This video hints that somewhere out there, 500 men are naked." -The Director of the "We're In This Together" Video

"To crime, and other such sources of entertainment." -Miles Bennet, lawyer

"For my last birthday, my wife got me a Ouija Board. That's a weird gift to get for your husband. 'Here, honey! Now you can talk to all the people in hell!'" -Jim Carrey

"Oh, and by they way, I've been told this comic grows on people like evil mold." -Maritza Campos, creator of "College Roomies From Hell"

"Why is that the evil crowd always cheers the loudest?" -The Announcer for the Royal Joust

"Adult, noun: A person who has stopped growing, except in the middle." -The Cynic's Dictionary

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up." -Phyllis Diller

"We recorded a song called "Bad Day" for the last record and that's been in our repertoire forever. The label pretty much put a gun to our head and said, 'That song is going on the record.'" -Carl Bell, from Fuel

"If you only knew the power of the technovulture . . ." -Bob, werevulture

"Isn't the world ugly enough the way it is? Put some clothes on, Roger!" -Mike, "College Roomies From Hell"

"What is the chief end of man? To get rich. In what way? Dishonestly if we can; honestly if we must." -Mark Twain

"Now, I don't know what the butt that means, but extraneous commentary by cartoonists should include at least one quote from a philosopher." -Tatsuya Ishida

"I'm a deeply spiritual bad***. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go save the universe and conquer some supermodels. " -Tatsuya Ishida

"Little Known Fact #4: Sock puppets CAN be inhaled. I am not responsible for this. I'm not. Really." -Lyosha

"So here's Erin. She's and awesome guitar player. Sorta like my dad, only she's a girl." -Twap

"Sometimes we just need to pause and remember what life is about. The was a great loss recently in the entertainment world. Larry La Prise, the Detroit native who wrote the song "The Hokey Pokey," died last week at age 83. It was especially difficult for the family to keep him in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and . . . well, you know the rest . . ." -An E-Mail we recieved

"K'z'k is the main bad-guy in not one, but two story arcs. K'z'k made the world tremble before him. Now he's back, and he's well . . . a bug. But, he's an evil, evil, nasty, bad, scary, bug. But he's NOT a dead bug. Yet." -Pete, cartoonist

"The only thing preventing her from breaking into stardom is the fact that she's dead." -Pete, cartoonist

"Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after its tour of Communist China. The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill!" -Another E-Mail we recieved

"Here to sing a song older than she is . . . it's Britney Spears." -VMA Announcer

"Get your own MTV.com E-Mail Address! Nothing says "hip" like an MTV.com e-mail address. Now you can be one of the cool kids!" -An actual serious ad on MTV.com

"Oooooo optimism is my friend . . . hehe." -Another artist on Yerf

"Well, slap a rubber girdle on granny and spank her sideways, cuz I am shocked." -Squee Rat

"I'm gonna remember that next time ya try and 'jack my Nintendo." -Reagan

"Here I be. The real undertow. Laugh, cry, vomit, whatever floats your boat. I dun care." -undertow

"Good friends know about your love life. Really good friends could blackmail you with it." -Zalandris

"The worst thing in the world would be to wake up and find that you were the person you hate most on the earth and that you had VD." -Unknown

"Whenever I am asked what kind of writing is the most lucrative, I have to say ransom notes." -Literary agent H.N. Swanson

"I'm old? Why you little whipper-snapper, I can take you with one denture behind my back!" -Shayne

"No, I'm not all right! I'm old! I'm too young to be old!" -David

*points at the TV* "I used to stalk this girl. Oh, and don't you hate it when you're stalking somebody, and they change their phone number on ya? You call up one day and are like: 'Oo, maybe I need to quit this.'" -Chris Rock

"Rapper Ol' Dirty Bastard was arrested this week. How many times have I said that one? Maybe we should just keep this que card." -Newscaster from SNL

"The goblins are in charge of maintenance? Why not just set it on fire now and call it a day?" -Whip Tongue, Viashino Technician

"Happy Easter, everyone! Or, for those who don't celebrate it, Happy April 15th!" -Pete

"Exploding slugs in my lyrical 12 gauge of love . . ." -Rich, in a poem

"My dislikes are Boy Bands, Small Children, Hospitals, and Gangsta Rap." -DarkKitten

"Relationship is a four letter word, three times over." -Michael Jantze

"How can you thank a man for giving you what's already yours?" -Malcolm X, "The Ballot or the Bullet"

"Show of hands, how many vegetarians we got here?" *looks around* "What's the matter? Don't got the strength to lift your hands?" -JJ

"I've got so much makeup on right now that I look like a man in drag." -Kristen Dunst

"Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work." -Al Capp

"Unauthorized redistribution of this image would be both undesirable and unwise. Please do not force me to excercise my legal right to have your *** kicked." -A copyright on a picture by J. Willard

"It was one of those classic stories, y'know. Boy meets me, boy becomes infatuated with me, boy realizes I take up space, boy runs like hell." -HardcoreKitty

"Who wants to play a game that involves running around with lawn chairs in the middle of the night?" -Brog

"A woman who cannot be ugly is not beautiful." -Kaul Kraus

"I think I totally missed the point of that This Is Your Brain On Drugs commercial. I was just turned on by the sight of a beautiful girl in a tank top, smashing things in a kitchen with a frying pan." -Ace Williams

"Every 'why' question can be answered by a phrase using the word 'idiot'." -Psydereal

"Forks are the adolescent stage between teaspoons and tablespoons. -Oakling

"If a celebrity has a nervous breakdown in the woods and no one is around, would it still make headlines?" -Tatsuya Ishida, about Mariah Carey

"In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that, in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning." -A research specialist

"First I was sad, now I'm angry. Whoever you are, wherever you are, you'd better pray to whatever god you believe in that we never find you." -Silas Zee, on the destruction of the WTC

"Hmm . . . I'm noticing a direct connection between the lowness of my shirt top and the friendliness of the people around me . . ." -Erika

"Hey, you sizzling piece-o-mansteak, wanna go out with me to a movie on Saturday night?" -Arlo, on asking a guy out

"My roommate is a cool guy (except sometimes when he's drunk - then I want to perform medical experiments on him)." -Dragoon

"The squeaking wheel doesn't always get the grease. Sometimes it gets replaced." -Vic Gold

"In summary, I'm this odd chick named Steph who's orignally from Minooka, IL and likes to call herself a furry artist, an aspiring graphic artist, a raver, a tomboy, a bisexual, a feline, and a bunch of other things simply for the convenience of being labelled. I'm generally friendly, open-minded, and somewhere between introverted and extroverted, I like to have fun above everything, and I occasionally have strange mood swings that scare my friends away. *pauses* So, like . . . hi." -Jaguarundi's Bio

"The sun can break darkness
But darkness can't break light" -Alias, "Darkness Scattered"

"El Nino. That's espanol for... 'The Nino.'" -Erika, on Spanish

"Do not go where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Sometimes I get distracted by the beauty of Sonja's face when I'm zoomed in to snipe. This can be a fatal hormonal error." -SmilingNali, playing Unreal Tournament

"This a note to the people who vandalized my car: Y'know . . . my car is over 12 years old now. Smashing its windshield was like beating up an old lady. Sheesh." -Josh (a different one)

"Whoever invented fair fighting did not know how to fight." -nds

"Woman and God are intoxicants enough without the hard stuff. Of course, Woman and God are usually the reason we resort to the hard stuff." -Tatsuya Ishida

"You idiots! Never listen to me while I'm ranting!" -SailorWolf02

"You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who made people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea." -Jack Handey

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