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"I am a fool, but I know I'm a fool and that makes me smarter than you." -Socrates

"Keep the pink monkey out of my apartment." -Robbie, "TimeScape"

"He's me. With magic." Ashley, about Robbie

"Oh, dear lord, tell me that wiz didn't just come onto me. Please tell me no." -*name kept private at request*

"Damn otters. Give 'em a flying guitar and they think they own the place." -Robbie, "TimeScape"

"I'm lost in your big castle thing, and your watch beetle is scary." -Pinghy, "TimeScape"

"General rule of thumb - never rip off a bunch of people who think a fun weekend is getting together and hitting each other with blunt objects." -Karnage, Seattle Marathon User's Group

"I understand John Malm is already pissed at me for this page. Fine. He's a businessman. I understand." -blackrose

"I didn't like him. He got stuck in my teeth." -Drusilla, "TimeScape"

"I love you on the subatomic level." -Robin Williams, Flubber

"Download some manners!" -Weebo, Flubber

"If we were interested in money, we wouldn't have become teachers." -Robin Williams, Flubber

"If he's got a stinkin' robot that FLIES, how come he's so psyched about a flying car?" -Mara, about Disney's Flubber

"Is it sacriligeous to beat up a priest with a mop?" -Hawkeye, M*A*S*H

"It's not faith, it's genetics." -Dude from Wing Commander

"Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead." -Zaiza, "TimeScape"

"It's not that I've decided to keep it, it's that I don't know how to get rid of it." -Derek, to Yarou

"Eating is an art. You are the paint. C'mere." -Mordon the Dragon, "TimeScape"

"The captain poked him in the chest with a finger. It wasn't a nice finger." -Unknown Story Excerpt

"This is where I shoot you. *sights with his gun* Dammit, stand still." -Slyth, assassin

"If the world thinks that you are crazy, and you think the same of the world, then who can say who is right?" -Unknown

"If practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, why practice?" -A realist

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." -Ozzy Osbourne

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." -Dave Barry

"Are these your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage." -The waitress, "Dinghy and Dweasel Get A Job"

"If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat." -Hugh Grant, director's cut version of "9 Months"

*speaking into the phone* "Hello, may I speak to Mrs. Elson. What? No. I don't understand. I take it you're foreign born. Damn. Um." *yells out into the waiting room* "Anybody here speak Polish?" -Mandy Patinkin, "Chicago Hope"

"There were a few things I was gonna do. Huh. I wonder what they were." -Derek

"That's so evil, it's funny." -Derek, about a Magic: the Gathering Card

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian becauseI hate plants." -A. Whitney Brown

"The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss." -Douglas Adams

"The only difference between graffiti and philosophy is the F Word..." -Unknown

"In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death." -A sign in Dweasel's Bedroom

"Personaly I can't speel for crap. I have the grammer of a toaster oven." -Jennifer "PacRat" Rodriguez

"Better to keep your mouth shut and have everyone think you a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." -Heath the Philosopher

"They say goldfish have no memories
I guess their lives are much like mine
And the little plastic castle
Is a suprise every time -Ani DiFranco, "Little Plastic Castle"

"Do not alter or distribute my art, lest I relocate your urethra." -C. Trotrman

"I am the only one on my side, and damned if those aren't the kind of odds I like." -Lord Dathius, "Episode III: Judgement"

"Wow. The last Seinfeld completely *bit*. An hour of my life was stolen from me. I can never get that back. My entire sense of decency has... huh? Oh, right. Picture. This is an experiment in coloring, with my character, Augustus. Gus is 6 feet, 6 inches tall, 220 pounds. And if he ever catches Jerry Seinfeld in the street, it's ON." -An artist talking about a drawing

"I have an ingrown hair problem." *screams* "My hair is touching my brain!" -Jason Woodall

"I got lost in Boston, lookin' for the Tea Party." -Limp Bizkit lyrics

"I don't know what it is with preachers and bad hair. They all sem to have it." -Michael Barbee

"I can go down to the dock and see a barnacle or a shell or something stuck to one of the piers and I'll just stand there staring at it, thinking: 'Wow. Life sucks for you slimy guys.'" -Mr. Goodheart, Biology Teacher

"No, we can't just observe life and how beautiful it is, can we? Let's kill it! Let's put it up on the wall!" -Ms. Davies, about hunters

"Is he trying to hotwire the tree?" *looks again* "Naaah . . ." -Ashley Mills

"Dude, don't have a garden burger!" -JP, talking to a vegetarian

"At night I can hear these voices . . . talking sh*t about all my choices . . ." -Staind lyrics

"She wanted me to destroy humanity. I think I'll start with you!" -Goliath, "Gargoyles"

"Stop screaming and tell me what's going on!" -Lord Dathius, Episode IV "Clan Wars"

"Reality killed the cat." -Genius, Episode IV "Clan Wars"

"I'm a very electric kinda guy. I just got static shock from petting a cat." -Derek

"Poison toothpaste is used by the CIA as a weapon for assassination." -Joey Green

"I hated school . . . I freaking hated it. The fact is that it revolved around something you didn't have access to. If you weren't on the football team, if you were in the band, you were a leper. When people say those were the best years of our lives, I want to scream." -Trent Reznor

"I used to play in a band called The Federal Duck. We didn't last long, but it was still fun. And I still think that The Italic Squirrels would be a great name for a band." -Dave Barry

"I remember seeing The Exorcist when I was eleven or twelve. It messed me up permanently because it was the most terrifying thing I could ever imagine. I couldn't discredit it like I could Alien. Because I'd been fed all this bullsh*t by Christianity that said yes, this could happen." -Trent Reznor

"He doesn't understand the concept of money . . . He just inherited three million dollars and he doesn't understand the concept of money." -Tom Cruise, "Rain Man"

"Now hurry up or you lose the other nostril." -Josh, to Nate

"Nice earring. She kinda missed." -Michael Barbee, about an eyebrow ring

"If you call it an old man's hat, I will beat you over the head with it." -Derek, to Briana

"The main character in Tomb Raider is pretty much Cindy Crawford meets Indiana Jones." -Mara

"Words mean nothing. Words are merely saliva and air. One you swallow and the other disappears." -Mr. Nugent, History Teacher

"Hey, how's it goin'? I'm Robbie Mills, a typical high school teen, unless you count the fact that when I get scared, hurt, or mad, I tend to turn into a big, mean demon-type creature." -Robbie, "TimeScape"

"Madness takes it's toll. Please have exact change." -Sephus, "TimeScape"

"I feel like Derek in Wonderland." -Derek, in the Hidden Realm

"I was going to join the Ku Klux Klan until I heard they were all Christians." -An Atheist

"What a busy city. A little while ago I almost got run over by a kid on a skateboard. I was going to make a remark about the kids these days until an old lady walking her dog almost ran me over as well. I decided to keep my mouth shut." -Marthoi, "War in the City"

"I don't know. I can't think of many blue foods that are good." -Michael Barbee

"Somebody named Korriana is watching for me. I have no idea who she is. Her @doing message is 'I'm in love!'. Help me." -Derek, "TimeScape"

"This is one of those times where I tell myself this can't possibly get any worse. This is one of those times where I'm wrong." -Derek

"The worst thing about being a depraved pirate is having to work with a bunch of depraved pirates." -Orlando the Axe, "Orlando the Axe"

"Closing time comes earlier to some than to others." -Jhad, bar bouncer

"If they move, kill them. In fact, kill one now to make sure the other understands." -Yawgmoth

"Turn on your tv to MTV now. A refridgerator is humping a stove." -Ashley Mills

"Ummm . . . my mom is repeatedly squeezing the curtains and yelling: 'Die die die.' This doesn't look good." -Ashley Mills

"You created your own downfall. You suck." -Josh, about Derek creating a Magic: the Gathering deck for someone else

"I'd like to thank my parents, because they've had a profound impact on my life. My mom, it turns out, gave birth to me, which it turns out was a big turning point in my career." -Weird Al Yanchovic

"Anyway, I was saying . . . Mom, no. I don't care about your shoes. Go away. I mean that he . . . would you just? Come on, Mom! OW! She hit me! What's your problem? *pauses* Oh. My shoes are untied." -Colin, on the phone

"This place is weird. Something smells really weird. I think that's the food. Something else smells really good. I think that's your girlfriend." -*name kept private at request*, to Jor

"I'm 39 and I'm saying 'Move cows!' in the middle of a river! Can you believe it?" -Billy Crystal, "City Slickers 2"

"Oh, my god, they've got a Mutalisk. Mutalisks are ugly SOBs, aren't there?" -Ashley Mills

"Describing the Magic: the Gathering card game is like describing . . . it's like describing . . . let's just say it's beyond description. It's got fun. It's got strategy. It's got big, gnarly monsters with razor-sharp teeth that go 'ngghhh'." -Richard Garfield

"Public Enemy is like the Bob Dylan of rap." -Host of "Versus"

"When news breaks, we give you the pieces." -Nifty News 50

"In all my years in Llanowar I never understood where trees fit in. They are revered by elves and watered on by dogs." -Mirri, "The Rath Cycle"

"The people at that Tournament were incredible. First game I play, the other guy goes first, takes one look at his hand and makes a noise halfway between a laugh and an owch. Then he wows. He turns around and taps a guy on the shoulder. 'Hey, look at this hand.' The other guy starts laughing. When my opponent turns around, he's grinning. 'Ready?' he asks, all nice and polite. The game was downhill from there." -Derek, about a Magic: the Gathering Tournament

"If that man makes it back here without killing himself, the other men or the chopper, I want him to have medal. Then I want him locked up." -Colonel Potter, M*A*S*H

"I used to take my anger out on other people. Now I save it for sports. When I play sports, I have a hit list." -Colin Glassman

"Here, take this. It's my lucky 4-leaf clover. Sorry if it's a little squished. I had it in my pocket when a jeep ran over me." -Radar, M*A*S*H

"I love Tomb Raider. Never before have I had such control over a woman." -Uncle Bill

"It's never until Thanksgiving that you realize just how annoying your relatives were." -*name kept private at request*

"We are starved for entertainment around here. We resort to pissing off werewolves." -Lavender, "TimeScape"

"Okay, who has my Fried Walrus?" *looks around suspiciously* "Just give me the walrus and no one gets hurt." -Robbie, "TimeScape"

"I swear I shall make a single's bar on this muck. Complete with an anthropomorphic Lizard sitting in one corner. 'Hey, Baby, what's your dbref number?'" -Talvin, "TimeScape"

"Actually, 'Xander is short for Alexander, who's my player's real bear. I was the big mutating lizard." -Baletori, "TimeScape"

"I trained to be an English Teacher. I had one kid in class who kept writing death threats and passing them up to me. I took out my red pen, corrected them and told him to write them over. I miss him." -Talvin, "TimeScape"

"Aloha, dude! Mind telling me what blood type you are?" -A Hawaiin Vampire

"Don't truck drivers have some strange condition that makes their butts all weird? You know, like orangatans. That's the thing I don't like about going to the zoo. You're standing there in front of the cage and then suddenly: 'Aw, man. Turn around.'" -Michael Barbee

"A patient of mine was having a problem with her neck, so while I was looking at it, I noticed a weird, horizontal scar running along the back of her neck. I ask what it was from, and she said it was from her face lift. I'm thinking: 'This is not her face.'" -Sharon Barbee

"Note to self: next time, breed son with thinner skull." -Sam, "Sam and Johnson"

"Oh, no. There's a cyberslug webring." -Derek

"In Austrailia, they have a rabbit problem. Yes, a rabbit problem. There are around 200 to 300 million rabbits there that are destroying all the vegetation. Before you open your mouth, yes. Rabbit Revolution." -Mr. Goodheart, Biology Teacher

"People of the mountain, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chains!" -Lahaime, vigilante, "Mercadian Masques"

"'Tis Augustus Spencer, 'Gusto' to his friends, decked out in his kickboxing gear. He's pretty good at it, considering no one will spar with him because he's friggin' *enormous.* 'Hi. I'm six and a half feet tall, 270 pounds. Let me kick you in the face.'" -An artist

"Stupid. You're supposed to be evil. Lose the mocha." -Falyxron, to Derek, "TimeScape"

"Game called on account of naked chick." -Bun-Bun the rabbit

"I think my mom's a little miffed about my priorities. The NRA is trying to allow anybody who wants a gun to be able to get one without a license or anything. The second she told me that, I commented that it would increase hunting." -Derek

"YOU MOSH LIKE A PHYREXIAN!" -Robbie, "TimeScape"

"In 4 years, there has been exactly one @toading, here. Their crime: they worked, and I do mean WORKED, to violate the right of privacy put in place by a p #ignore. *My* p #ignore, for the record. And they had to screw up three times before they went 'Ribbit'." -Talvin, "TimeScape"

"I stayed in a Microsoft-sanctioned hotel once. I opened a window and the whole place came crashing down aroung me." -Gerry, "Tapestries"

"My wife and I have been married for 6 years. To the best of my knowledge, I have been faithful to her." -M1KE HUNT

"I'm looking for the anime area. I followed the exits and ended up on friggin' Mars." -Baddock, "TimeScape"

*snarls at him* "I got the case solved! I got the motive which is money and the body which is dead!" -Gillespie, "In the Heat of the Night"

"Hey, and so you all know, I just bumped into God backstage, and he says: 'You're welcome.'" -Rosie O'Donnell, at an Awards Ceremony

"Okay, this a weird performance. It looks like a circus." -Mara, on Ricky Martin's Grammy Perfomance

"I'm a comic genius in my own mind. Too bad the voices in my head don't laugh." -Ashley Mills

"What? This from the guy who gets horny at the sight of a bagel?" -Dinghy, to Dweasel

"Oh, you poor, poor, sick person." -Robbie, "TimeScape"

"Have you seen the Nine Inch Nails video "Into the Void"? You learn WAY more than you needed to know about Trent Reznor." -Ashley

"I don't do pride. I do do revenge." -Lord Rangok, at a Starcraft Tournament

"A vegetable foaming at the mouth can never be a good sign." -Elliot Burkart

"Perhaps Henry suffered from thinking too much." -David J. Low

"The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night." -Otto Von Bismarck

"I sometimes turn into a chocolate zebra. It's an old war wound." -Vandal, "Tapestries"

"Have a seat. Pull up a ham." -Derek, at the TimeWarp Deli

"If you tried to take a leap in faith, you'd fall on your a**." -Chait, "TimeScape"

"People who hide out in Wal-Mart are hella sick, dude!" -Nate

"What? I'm gonna come over there and beat you, dude! Or, worse, I'll send Nate over there to break your couch!" -Ashley, on the phone

"It's very exciting to have a toilet." -Fred Savage

"Now! Let's give them a war cry like they never heard before! *screams and raises his knife* Shut up and touch the monkey!" -Colin, "Who's Line Is It Anyway?"

"Ugh. This book sucks. I've been reading it for ten minutes, and I have a headache already. You're laughing, I'm serious." -Ashley, on the phone

*pondering* "It must be hard to yell in French." -Aaron

"Tulsa Rush Hour? What's that? Both cars and a mule?" -Foxtrot X-Ray, "Chrome Circle"

"The answer to the question is the two cards Katabatic Winds and Warping Wurm. The ability is Phasing. The capital of France is Paris. The murderer of Laura Palmer was Leland Palmer. The secret to frisbee is backspin. Spock kills Kirk in 'Amok Time' and 'The Enterprise Incident'. The Godfather Part 2 is the only sequel to ever win the Academy Award(tm) for Best Picture. Randy Quaid is ugly, it's not your TV." -Ian Taylor

"No, having your hair like that doesn't make you look hot, just hairy." -Pixie, on the job

"I don't know about this idea of following in my father's footsteps. He has kinda big feet." -Frank Dollar

"Hey! I just used the word 'Booby' in a serious sentence!" -Torg, "Sluggy Freelance"

"Proving once again that controversy sells, Eminem is #1 at the charts once again." -Roshumba

"OKAY! Digest my bodily organs!" -Dweasel, "Dinghy and Dweasel Get A Job"

"I look like a drowned when I'm wet." *looks around* "No offense to any rats present." -Axiom, "Tapestries"

"I sincerely wish that I had something earth shatteringly profound to say for the new millennium but I don't. All I can say‹is stay young forever. I'm 31 years old and I still think action figures are cool. Especially those McFarlane figures, they rock. I think that Toy's 'R' Us is just about the coolest place on the planet. I have two young sons that I take, just so I don't look like a deviant when I go in there. My wife just divides my actual age by two to get my mental age equivalent. Actually, I think that by the time I am 50, I'll be able to divide by three." -Jantrix

"Here, have a used, slightly moist reputation." -Shahrazad, "Tapestries"

"I find rap kind of similar to blues, except instead of saying "baby," you gotta say "b*tch." -Frank

"I wonder if celebrities go to hell." -Frank

"I am so f***ing tired of all this s*** that I'm hearing on the radio. Radio SUCKS! The same f***ing songs, over and over! All the weak ones, all that disposable crap that isn't gonna matter in three months!" -Matt Pinfield, Limp Bizkit secret track

"On a recent study of the world's health care, France was ranked 1st, Italy was 2nd and the USA following close behind in . . . 37th place. *stares and starts talking real slowly* "Oh no . . . I'm so sad . . . I think I'm just going to have to go an cry all over our massive nuclear arsenal." -Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show"

"So, there are a bunch of plates that make of the earth's surface, and they're all floating on lava and molten rock, constantly shifting around. The one we're on is currently going north, so hey. We're all going to Alaska." -Jeff, Park Ranger

"For the next Interview With the Vampire Movie, who do you think would play a good vampire? I think Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails. He just looks the part." -Mandy, on MTV

"I liked the end of The Faculty. A naked evil chick wandering around." -Ashley

"Your World Famous Mp3's? Oh, give me a break. Which world would that be?" -Derek, to Nate

"Okay, I'm gonna say this a couple of times. There's too much rap on MTV. Why does MTV feel the need to play rap at all? Don't get me started on the shows either-- MTV Jams, what the hell? All rap show? Beat Suite? All rap show?" -arejayx

"Honesty, hard work and perserverance get you nowhere in life. It's all about kissin' a**." -Blink 182

"I'm fairly sure that at some time, this comic strip will be used against me in a court of law." -Creator of the Thin H Line

"You can find me by contacting your local conspiracy office and asking for Black Helicopter Squadron Gamma. I'll be operating Mind control device number 3." -Head of the Evil Atheist Conspiracy

"The next item on our Sell List is the ever-popular Unholy Water. Personally unblessed by Mr. Pope who lives next door, our unholy water repels angels, saints, preachers and god. Just carry a bottle with you, or bathe in it. WARNING: May attract vampires and werewolves in some areas - not for use in Sunnydale." -Security Chief of the EAC

"Surf? I can't even ride a skateboard!" -Frank

"This is a revolution, dammit! We're going to have to offend somebody!" -John Adams

"Hmmm, boy I hate it when someone comes in with 3 drones and just starts building sunkens colonies on your creep. That's when you gotta regulate and be like HEY B*TCH GET OFF MY CREEP." -EliTie, Starcraft Player

"Drag Queens are like . . . messed up clowns . . ." -That guy on the Real World

"I went paintballing once. I looked over a wall and got shot in the face. I crouch back down next to my partner and I can't see. I'm all: 'Damn.'" -Nate

"I'm Italian and I'm Jewish. Hey! A Godfather Rabbi!" -Colin

"Hey! What are you eating? Aah! No! Don't eat the deck!" -Nate, to the dog

"Ha! Chicks? In Newport? No way. The only chicks in Newport are Tourists!" -Colin

"Ow. My head hurts. I had to study for days just for my permit test. I don't ever want to learn again." -Colin

"Hey, check it out. Goth Fortune Cookie." -Flaky, "Sluggy Freelance"

"Face to face with the horrors of a supernatually powerful kitten of evil, only the solidarity of our heroes will save the day. The die is cast. Together they will stand. Divided they will fall. *pauses* Those poor, poor bastards." -Bun-Bun, "Sluggy Freelance"

"I've had a sudden change of heart. Your acting is so horrible, I've decided to shoot myself." -Mike, "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

"Bungee jumping. I've always meant to do that. 'Course, I intensely don't want to, so I haven't gotten around to it." -Doyle, "Angel"

"Pam? Stop glowing. Stop it right now." -Harry the Handsome Executive

"Cigarettes are the only product that, when used as directed, kill you." -www.bigtobacco.com

"Carlo recently improved the sound effects in Unreal. So a gun "Bang" sound in a reverb zone now sounds more like "Baaaannnggg", instead of "Bang Ba Bang Ba Bank Ba Bang" (A Technical Term)." -Unreal FAQ

"So you're Chuck D, right? Where are Chucks A, B and C?" -Ben Stein, "Turn Ben Stein On"

*said with a French Accent* "So you have lost her. Big deal. I have lost her, too, but I will get over it because I am--" *scoffs and waves a hand* "--shallow and self-centered." -Max, "The Money Pit"

"Halt, you fiend! My religion says that it is a sin to kill a critter on a . . . *pauses* Damn. What day is today?" -Father Williams, playing Starcraft

"Be well . . . oh, and get a good lawyer." -Talvin, to Don_Lapacio (Head of the mob on TimeScape)

"Wanna know how we they get ugly people out of the gene pool? They draw straws. I lost. I have to marry you." -Frank, to Derek

"Games that simulate friendly dinosaurs and flying carpets are not going to grip you as much as those that simulate being chased with a flamethrower. But when your virtual body goes up like an overdone marshmallow and you hear a bloodcurdling wail (different sound than when a rocket hits you: attention to detail), you can stop, catch your breath and have a sip of iced tea before you tap the regenerate button. It's only a game." -The Makers of Teragraphics, on Marathon Infinity

"These are the sort of games I love. See someone get double life and live 4 extra seconds." -Möbius, Marathon Player

"There's no second place prize in a gun fight." -A Member of a Swat Team

"Rule Number 1 of driving: everyone in the world wants to go faster than you." -Michael Barbee

"Okay folks. Let's try this again, I know I missed the last meeting, I apologize, beat me with wiffle bats if you so desire." -Marthoi, "War in the City"

"You ask tooooo many questions. We must burn you at the steak....er stake." -Robbie, "TimeScape"

"I'll heal your wounds,
I'll set you free,
I'm Jesus Christ on Ecstacy." -NIN lyrics, "Suck"

"Next season we're going to do a small spinoff from the X-Files, called the "Lone Gunman," and starring specifically them. It's going to be a show that's more comedic than it is dramatic. These guys are wonderful together. It's kind of like "Mission Impossible" on laughing gas." -Chris Carter, about the next X-Files Season

"Did you know that the bible tells you not to 'discover your father's skirt?' Oh, that sounds bad." -Derek, reading Deuteronomy, Chapter 22

*looks at the final cut of the We're In This Together Video* "Trent, you do realize what this implies, don't you? This video hints that somewhere out there, 500 men are naked." -The Director of the "We're In This Together" Video

"If you put a slug in a dress, it's still a slug." -Derek

"To crime, and other such sources of entertainment." -Miles Bennet, lawyer

"I've got so many characters on right now, I don't even remember my own name." -Erin, "TimeScape"

"For my last birthday, my wife got me a Ouija Board. That's a weird gift to get for your husband. 'Here honey! Now you can talk to all the people in hell!'" -Jim Carrey

"So I like to dance naked, in front of my pets . . ." -Bloodhound Gang lyrics, "Mope"

*bites a peach and blinks as it crunches* "Wow. Scientists have finally crossed a peach with a brick." -Derek

*laughs maniacly* "I am a god! You can't kill me! I am . . . dead." -Dinghy, playing Unreal Tournament

*tiny voice* "My hair shrunk in the wash . . . wait . . . no, just my head." -Derek, imitating Carli

*yells and waves at a car that just cut him off* "What?!? How could you not see this bus? This bus is 12 feet wide and 40 feet long! How could you not see this bus? Stevie Wonder could see this bus!" -A bus driver

"Oh, and by they way, I've been told this comic grows on people like evil mold." -Maritza Campos, creator of "College Roomies From Hell"

"Why is that the evil crowd always cheers the loudest?" -The Announcer for the Royal Joust

"Now you see that the forces of evil shall always triumph over good, because good is dumb." -Dark Helmet, "Spaceballs"

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