An Updated Bill of Rights for the Modern Era
It has come to my attention that the first ten amendments of the US Constitution are no longer consistent with how we, the People of the United States, run our society. As such, I offer the following corrected versions of several of the amendments:
- First Amendment
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, except south of the Mason-Dixon line, where those who have not accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior are damned; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press, except when that freedom of expression threatens the business model of large congressional campaign donors; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances, as long as they can afford a laywer.
- Second Amendment
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed, except in districts where an anti-gun stance will assist in the re-election of lawmakers
- Fourth Amendment
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized. This Amendment is Void in Arizona, and also in any case where we might be afraid of the possibility of terrorism, including anything having anything to do with a computer or an airplane.
- Fifth Amendment
No person shall be held to answer for any capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger, or when that person isn’t an American, or where somebody somewhere thinks that person might have been connected to terrorism; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law, except in cases where somebody somewhere thinks that the person might have been connected to terrorism or something we’ve chosen to call terrorism; nor shall private property of large congressional campaign donors be taken for public use, without just compensation.
- Sixth Amendment
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, except in cases where somebody somewhere believes that the accused might have something to do with terrorism, by an impartial jury of the State and district where in the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defense.
- Eighth Amendment
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted, except in a country where Jack Bauer saved the world in a fictional narrative by the application of such methods.
- Ninth Amendment
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by large congressional campaign donors.
- Tenth Amendment
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to large corporate congressional campaign donors.