An Updated Bill of Rights for the Modern Era

Posted on June 2nd, 2010 — permalink

It has come to my attention that the first ten amendments of the US Constitution are no longer consistent with how we, the People of the United States, run our society. As such, I offer the following corrected versions of several of the amendments:

First Amendment

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, except south of the Mason-Dixon line, where those who have not accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior are damned; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press, except when that freedom of expression threatens the business model of large congressional campaign donors; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances, as long as they can afford a laywer.

Second Amendment

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed, except in districts where an anti-gun stance will assist in the re-election of lawmakers

Fourth Amendment

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized. This Amendment is Void in Arizona, and also in any case where we might be afraid of the possibility of terrorism, including anything having anything to do with a computer or an airplane.

Fifth Amendment

No person shall be held to answer for any capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger, or when that person isn’t an American, or where somebody somewhere thinks that person might have been connected to terrorism; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law, except in cases where somebody somewhere thinks that the person might have been connected to terrorism or something we’ve chosen to call terrorism; nor shall private property of large congressional campaign donors be taken for public use, without just compensation.

Sixth Amendment

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, except in cases where somebody somewhere believes that the accused might have something to do with terrorism, by an impartial jury of the State and district where in the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defense.

Eighth Amendment

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted, except in a country where Jack Bauer saved the world in a fictional narrative by the application of such methods.

Ninth Amendment

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by large congressional campaign donors.

Tenth Amendment

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to large corporate congressional campaign donors.

3 Responses to “An Updated Bill of Rights for the Modern Era”

  1. Mary Says:

    I think most of those “except terrorists” clauses should read “except terrorists or sex offenders.” Not that I like sex offenders (or terrorists) but I’m not sure I’m comfortable with the registries and the policies that require them to be held indefinitely (on “mental health” grounds) after their sentence is up, etc.

    Also, I think the second ammendement ought really to read, “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed, nor shall the right of said duly sworn militia to use those arms for national defense in time of need be infringed.” In other words, I think it’d be in keeping with the spirit of the original wording, if people could own their own guns, but the army could borrow them whenever they want. I have a feeling that wouldn’t be a popular idea, though…

  2. Nancy Knop Says:

    Oh, this is food for thought. Some of the new words are so sneaky that you almost should put them in another color, or in italics, otherwise many will believe they have always been there.

    Also, I agree with Mary.

  3. Cody Relihan Says:

    Hi nice small post the following, was just wondering if i could quote some of it inside a post im performing (I will credit and hyperlink back again the following!). Drop me a message if thats not ok. it is possible to quote any of my stuff as extended as you hyperlink back again to it :) Also excellent template you use the following would you thoughts telling me wherever you got it :D . Sorry for my english :)